Welp. The time has come. I no longer have any motivation to blog. It's been fun, for sure, but I'm busy being an adult and I have so much other social media going on right now that this sort of seems arbitrary. I'm not deleting this thing mainly so that I can go back and read stuff, but I don't think I'm going to be posting anything more.
Thank you for reading, and I'm always available on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and whatever else.
Julia
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
BAKAAAAAAAA!!
I have never fangirled so hard for so long in my entire life.
Anime Expo was amazing! ALL the cosplay! ALL the famous people! ALL the.. Actually, not ALL the costumes. Three out of my four costumes made it to the actual show floor at the convention, but my Sasuke costume had some unfortunate technical issues and will have to wait for the next convention.
Everything else actually managed to work out, sewing and all.
For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter of Facebook, here are some lovely pictures for you:
Anime Expo was amazing! ALL the cosplay! ALL the famous people! ALL the.. Actually, not ALL the costumes. Three out of my four costumes made it to the actual show floor at the convention, but my Sasuke costume had some unfortunate technical issues and will have to wait for the next convention.
Everything else actually managed to work out, sewing and all.
For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter of Facebook, here are some lovely pictures for you:
Little Sister from Bioshock
Serah from Final Fantasy XIII
Pin-up Venom (genderbend) from Spiderman
Along with rocking some fun costumes all weekend, I also met every person that I wanted to meet. And I accomplished my con mission. I met JESSICA NIGRI AH
Nigri, please.
Also, my true cosplay idol, Yaya Han
My favorite Sourcefed host, Meg Turney!
Sexy Monica Lee (and my boyfriend in his Gambit costume)
And the super sexy when she is not dressed up like Dragon Ball Z, VampyBitMe
ALL the famous copslayers!! Weeeeee! Also, I did a ton of picture taking, so as I find those, I'll be adding them to this blog.
AX showed me that I'm going to have to step up my cosplay game in the future in order to really make jaws drop. Some of the costumes that I saw were legitimately works of art and incredible engineering. I cannot even fathom the amont of time that some of the props, armor, wings, wigs, and clothing elements took to make.
Also, there were a ton of harajuku and ganguro girls, which I loved. Japanese street fashion has always been fascinating to me and has been an underlying inspiration to me with my own everyday outfits and things, so I definitely lost my shit over some of the non-costume outfits that I saw. SO cute and over the top. (if you don't know, harajuku is essentially the result of homosexuality, focus on children, and cartoons being dominant influences in Japanese pop culture, with tons of over-the-top, colorful outfits, especially modernized Victorian-style dresses and ridiculous accessories, and ganguro is the same sort of ridiculous outfits, but with a distinctive combination of darkened skin and white make up with lightened hair)
My absolute favorite were the hardcore cosplays with characters from obscure 90's series. Ah, my inner nerd thrived so much being surrounded by over 100,000 of my nerdy people. Needless to say, I will be returning next year.
As of right now, I seriously need a nap. More pictures may or may not come soon!
Julia
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Cosplay Woes: Actually Sewing
I should really be sewing right now. Like, seriously, I need to finish up a few things and then return the sewing machine to my parents' house so that my antisocial little sister can have the love of her life back and so that my mother will stop texting me incessantly telling me how terrible of a person I am for taking the machine for a few weeks. Not like this sewing machine was purchased for ME on MY birthday several years ago in order for ME to use it to create MY costumes. Oh no, now that my sister has shown a slight interest in "cosplay" (she exclusively cosplays Homestuck, which I personally don't think counts because t-shirts are not that elaborate or time consuming, but whatever) apperantly, MY sewing machine is no longer mine.
ANYWAY. Sewing. That thing I should be doing because I'm getting on a plane for LA tomorrow to go to Anime Expo and totally only have two out of my four costumes completed. Oops. I'm am such a pro at procrastination. I have done the dishes, cleaned several rooms of my house, and done three loads of laundry, but alas, have not done my last little bit of sewing.
This is probably because I keep getting stuck. For one of my costumes, I am very much in over my head. I know very little about the technicalities of sewing and am having a lot of trouble staying focused on a particularly difficult costume because I keep getting confused about structure and stitching and fitting pieces together, and I'm scared that if I continue, I will irreparably fuck something up.
This is why I should probably use patterns instead of just sketching a few things, taking measurements, and just going for it. I mean, it's worked out pretty well so far, but I know that in future endeavors, i should probably start doing more prep work and less winging it.
The thing is, I sort of feel like a slightly drunk amateur pilot on their second solo flight. Like, I kind of know what I'm doing, but I probably should not be operating this machinery, let alone relying upon my own abilities right now. The other thing is, I am too poor and short on time for any sort of commissions to be done, so I'm a bit stuck doing things myself or just not doing them at all.
So far, my Little Sister (Bioshock) dress is just killing me. Sleeves are hard! I am terrible at making gathers and things, and I have been attempting cap sleeves for the past two hours to no avail. I'll get right back in that the second that I can regain enough patience and zen to sit back down at the sewing table. My Sasuke costume was fairly simple because it's all wide shapes and straight lines, but this cutesy little half-Victorian night gown thing is going to be the death of me. The best part is, once I complete this bitch of a dress, I'm going to shred bits and pieces of it and cover it in dirt and fake blood, because Little Sister needs that zombie swag.
I am so lost and overwhelmed. I know I have to work very quickly and efficiently in order to get everything done, and tonight will likely be a long night. I am great at planning and gathering materials, even make up and accessories. But the actual sewing, man.... I am terrible at this. It's a better in time sort of thing, so I suppose the only thing to do now is try to finish up and get everything looking mostly adequate for public wear, then continue to make at least one of my own costumes for each con I go to so that I can be a more self-sufficient cosplayer and I won't have to rely on commissioned work so much. I suppose it's time to go back to the coffee and sewing machine so that I can manage to get some semblance of sleep tonight.
See you at AX? I think my personal con mission will be to touch one of Jessica Nigri's tits...
Julia
ANYWAY. Sewing. That thing I should be doing because I'm getting on a plane for LA tomorrow to go to Anime Expo and totally only have two out of my four costumes completed. Oops. I'm am such a pro at procrastination. I have done the dishes, cleaned several rooms of my house, and done three loads of laundry, but alas, have not done my last little bit of sewing.
This is probably because I keep getting stuck. For one of my costumes, I am very much in over my head. I know very little about the technicalities of sewing and am having a lot of trouble staying focused on a particularly difficult costume because I keep getting confused about structure and stitching and fitting pieces together, and I'm scared that if I continue, I will irreparably fuck something up.
This is why I should probably use patterns instead of just sketching a few things, taking measurements, and just going for it. I mean, it's worked out pretty well so far, but I know that in future endeavors, i should probably start doing more prep work and less winging it.
The thing is, I sort of feel like a slightly drunk amateur pilot on their second solo flight. Like, I kind of know what I'm doing, but I probably should not be operating this machinery, let alone relying upon my own abilities right now. The other thing is, I am too poor and short on time for any sort of commissions to be done, so I'm a bit stuck doing things myself or just not doing them at all.
So far, my Little Sister (Bioshock) dress is just killing me. Sleeves are hard! I am terrible at making gathers and things, and I have been attempting cap sleeves for the past two hours to no avail. I'll get right back in that the second that I can regain enough patience and zen to sit back down at the sewing table. My Sasuke costume was fairly simple because it's all wide shapes and straight lines, but this cutesy little half-Victorian night gown thing is going to be the death of me. The best part is, once I complete this bitch of a dress, I'm going to shred bits and pieces of it and cover it in dirt and fake blood, because Little Sister needs that zombie swag.
I am so lost and overwhelmed. I know I have to work very quickly and efficiently in order to get everything done, and tonight will likely be a long night. I am great at planning and gathering materials, even make up and accessories. But the actual sewing, man.... I am terrible at this. It's a better in time sort of thing, so I suppose the only thing to do now is try to finish up and get everything looking mostly adequate for public wear, then continue to make at least one of my own costumes for each con I go to so that I can be a more self-sufficient cosplayer and I won't have to rely on commissioned work so much. I suppose it's time to go back to the coffee and sewing machine so that I can manage to get some semblance of sleep tonight.
See you at AX? I think my personal con mission will be to touch one of Jessica Nigri's tits...
Julia
Friday, June 21, 2013
Cosplay Woes: Sexism
I have been working my ass off all afternoon slaving away over my sewing machine making a Sasuke (Naruto Shippuden version) costume for Anime Expo. I am doing a gender-bent version of evil Sasuke, which I was planning on using his regular costume for, and then adding a few female elements. Apparently, being feminine is not enough, and according to several people that I have talked to, if I want to get any kind of attention at all, then I am going to half to cut my carefully crafted costume into a bra and some booty shorts.
Don't get me wrong, I own the slut thing and I know how great it is as a tool for attention, HOWEVER: this is Anime Expo. Jessica Nigri, Yaya Han, and Meg Turney will be there, among every other hot, famous female cosplayer in America. It would be infantile to aim to be the center of attention at a con that size with a guest list that titillating.
I was going to use Anime Expo as a chance to show that I can do really awesome cosplay costumes without having to pull the slut card all the time. I mean, it's fun to be promiscuous, but I feel like I'll get more recognition at a huge con for having a well-made, intriguing costume, because I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone and their grandmother are going to be running around in itty-bitty costumes. I only dress like a slut when I know I'll be a minority, but I just don't see the point for something like Anime Expo.
I am honestly a little offended. It's really nice to hear that I have to show bare skin in order to be considered pretty or worth while. I understand that sex sells and dressing up to show off is going to grab a few second glances, but there's more to me than that...
Now I feel like all of my hard work, designing, and conceptualizing are completely undermined and I should just trash it all and slutify everything. It's not like I was planning on actually wearing an accurate costume for once, or that I wanted to be complimented for something other than "looking so hot" by a nerdy boy. God damn. Fuck it, where's my bombshell bra?
Julia
Don't get me wrong, I own the slut thing and I know how great it is as a tool for attention, HOWEVER: this is Anime Expo. Jessica Nigri, Yaya Han, and Meg Turney will be there, among every other hot, famous female cosplayer in America. It would be infantile to aim to be the center of attention at a con that size with a guest list that titillating.
I was going to use Anime Expo as a chance to show that I can do really awesome cosplay costumes without having to pull the slut card all the time. I mean, it's fun to be promiscuous, but I feel like I'll get more recognition at a huge con for having a well-made, intriguing costume, because I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone and their grandmother are going to be running around in itty-bitty costumes. I only dress like a slut when I know I'll be a minority, but I just don't see the point for something like Anime Expo.
I am honestly a little offended. It's really nice to hear that I have to show bare skin in order to be considered pretty or worth while. I understand that sex sells and dressing up to show off is going to grab a few second glances, but there's more to me than that...
Now I feel like all of my hard work, designing, and conceptualizing are completely undermined and I should just trash it all and slutify everything. It's not like I was planning on actually wearing an accurate costume for once, or that I wanted to be complimented for something other than "looking so hot" by a nerdy boy. God damn. Fuck it, where's my bombshell bra?
Julia
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Imbalance in the Universe
Quick life update before I start trying to get deep and thoughtful:
My job at the tanning salon is turning around, and I am apparently much better at it than I thought. I'm still looking for other jobs, but right now I know that I can rely on the tanning job for at least a bit of an income until I find something else. Also, I'm starting to prepare for Electric Forest and Anime Expo. For Electric, all I really need to do is set some money aside. For Anime Expo, I am sewing two of my own costumes and hoping all the elements that I ordered make it to me on time and intact. Aside from that, life is starting to fall into a groove again, which is nice.
So.
In preparation for both of these events, Technicolor Boy has been freaking out about things being unprepared and things not getting here on time and this and that, and I keep offering financial help, and he keeps refusing. It's getting to the point now where if I don't step in and do some executive fixing of things despite his refusal, I may end up getting screwed along with him. I'm half way tempted to just override his preparations and prepare completely on my own, for the both of us. I am only thinking about this because he continually refuses any help I offer and accepts only the help he asks for.
Needless to say, this is incredibly frustrating. I feel that his behavior is unmitigated and selfish, however, very human and justifiable. I see this same pattern in many other people, including myself, and it makes me think: to help or not to help? To be a good person or not to be a good person? To be controlling and make sure things happen, or to leave control to others and watch things fall apart?
I've always had a problem with thinking interpersonally, namely because I'm so used to being surrounded by idiots that it's instinctive for me to want to do everything myself just to ensure that it gets done. However, everyone that I deal with on a daily basis is my age or older and I can't just treat them like children because that's terribly disrespectful, so I find myself stepping back and letting people do things their way, only for their way of doing things to be proven unsuccessful, even catastrophic at times.
I am at a loss as to where to find the balance in my personal universe.
When do I step in? Do I need to save the day, or is it more valuable to let people learn from a mistake? When do I cut my losses and let shit hit the fan? What if another person's shortcomings affect me? What do I fucking do?
I am in no way implying that I am some faultless expert at life, because I am definitely one of the most headstrong, stubborn, I-can-do-it-myself-back-the-fuck-off people ever. But I try to be helpful to others, especially when they are obviously struggling. When it comes to simple things that I could easily fix, I don't when to fix things and when to just let them be broken. Ugh.
My problem is that I am not a gambler. It is very hard for me to take a chance on anything, especially other people, because I like to take actions only when I can be sure of the outcome. I know that I need to give more credit to the people around me, but I feel like every time I put my full faith into someone else, they choose that time to prove my assumptions of their capabilities incorrect and totally don't deliver.
Conversely, I find often that when I take control of a situation in spite of others being there, it breeds resentment because I end up finding out later that my stepping in was unnecessary. I just don't know what to do.
I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly, but I don't want everyone to hate me for being obnoxious and micromanaging. I cannot find the balance I seek, and I fear that it will have dire consequences if I don't start balancing shit out really soon. The bottom line is, I have a week until the two biggest events of my summer, and I am prepared, but my boyfriend is not. We have one week to get his shit together, or else I will end up screwed right along with him.
How far do I let things crumble before I make a command decision and just take over?
Julia
My job at the tanning salon is turning around, and I am apparently much better at it than I thought. I'm still looking for other jobs, but right now I know that I can rely on the tanning job for at least a bit of an income until I find something else. Also, I'm starting to prepare for Electric Forest and Anime Expo. For Electric, all I really need to do is set some money aside. For Anime Expo, I am sewing two of my own costumes and hoping all the elements that I ordered make it to me on time and intact. Aside from that, life is starting to fall into a groove again, which is nice.
So.
In preparation for both of these events, Technicolor Boy has been freaking out about things being unprepared and things not getting here on time and this and that, and I keep offering financial help, and he keeps refusing. It's getting to the point now where if I don't step in and do some executive fixing of things despite his refusal, I may end up getting screwed along with him. I'm half way tempted to just override his preparations and prepare completely on my own, for the both of us. I am only thinking about this because he continually refuses any help I offer and accepts only the help he asks for.
Needless to say, this is incredibly frustrating. I feel that his behavior is unmitigated and selfish, however, very human and justifiable. I see this same pattern in many other people, including myself, and it makes me think: to help or not to help? To be a good person or not to be a good person? To be controlling and make sure things happen, or to leave control to others and watch things fall apart?
I've always had a problem with thinking interpersonally, namely because I'm so used to being surrounded by idiots that it's instinctive for me to want to do everything myself just to ensure that it gets done. However, everyone that I deal with on a daily basis is my age or older and I can't just treat them like children because that's terribly disrespectful, so I find myself stepping back and letting people do things their way, only for their way of doing things to be proven unsuccessful, even catastrophic at times.
I am at a loss as to where to find the balance in my personal universe.
When do I step in? Do I need to save the day, or is it more valuable to let people learn from a mistake? When do I cut my losses and let shit hit the fan? What if another person's shortcomings affect me? What do I fucking do?
I am in no way implying that I am some faultless expert at life, because I am definitely one of the most headstrong, stubborn, I-can-do-it-myself-back-the-fuck-off people ever. But I try to be helpful to others, especially when they are obviously struggling. When it comes to simple things that I could easily fix, I don't when to fix things and when to just let them be broken. Ugh.
My problem is that I am not a gambler. It is very hard for me to take a chance on anything, especially other people, because I like to take actions only when I can be sure of the outcome. I know that I need to give more credit to the people around me, but I feel like every time I put my full faith into someone else, they choose that time to prove my assumptions of their capabilities incorrect and totally don't deliver.
Conversely, I find often that when I take control of a situation in spite of others being there, it breeds resentment because I end up finding out later that my stepping in was unnecessary. I just don't know what to do.
I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly, but I don't want everyone to hate me for being obnoxious and micromanaging. I cannot find the balance I seek, and I fear that it will have dire consequences if I don't start balancing shit out really soon. The bottom line is, I have a week until the two biggest events of my summer, and I am prepared, but my boyfriend is not. We have one week to get his shit together, or else I will end up screwed right along with him.
How far do I let things crumble before I make a command decision and just take over?
Julia
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Excuse Me?
This tanning salon job is getting ridiculous. I have to have my hair and make up done every day just to be deemed acceptable. I have to be tan, but apparently, bed tanning isn't enough, so my manager made me do a cocktail, which is where you tan in a high pressure bed (strong UVA light, lower UVB, delivers color into the deeper part of the skin) and then go straight into a spray tan
Not only that, but I got reprimanded yesterday for not having my nails done.
I am now orange and have a gaudy manicure.
The sales part of this is fun. The numbers and money and all that is fun. My coworkers (not management) are fun.
The extra bullshit, such as getting 20 leads a day, getting called onto shifts constantly despite having shit to do, and having to tan constantly? NOT FUCKING OKAY.
This job is great money and experience, but I honestly hate it. I am adequate, but I don't feel passionate and I dread picking up my phone whenever a manager calls me. I need the money, but I'm so stressed now that my ulcer, which hasn't given me any problems since before graduation, is acting up again. I need the money, but the stress is what I was trying to avoid.
Advice please?
Julia
Not only that, but I got reprimanded yesterday for not having my nails done.
I am now orange and have a gaudy manicure.
The sales part of this is fun. The numbers and money and all that is fun. My coworkers (not management) are fun.
The extra bullshit, such as getting 20 leads a day, getting called onto shifts constantly despite having shit to do, and having to tan constantly? NOT FUCKING OKAY.
This job is great money and experience, but I honestly hate it. I am adequate, but I don't feel passionate and I dread picking up my phone whenever a manager calls me. I need the money, but I'm so stressed now that my ulcer, which hasn't given me any problems since before graduation, is acting up again. I need the money, but the stress is what I was trying to avoid.
Advice please?
Julia
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Comic Con and Tanning
SO. Big few days lately.
This past weekend was Denver Motherfucking Comic Con! It was glorious! Absolute nerd heaven. I even got to stare at George Takei, whose gay babies I would love to have, from like twenty feet away and just drooled over his amazing witty Asian gayness. I love him.
Of course, I cosplayed. I chose to do X-23 from the X-men, who is a female clone of Wolverine. Basically she was engineered to have the same ademantium coated bones and claws, though she only has two claws that sprout from the knuckles of each hand, the other two come out of each foot. She also was made to not have a conscience so that she would be a more effective assassin. She is supposed to be about fourteen, scarily skinny, and super pale due to her lack of socialization/freedom/time in sunlight.
Here are a few pictures. One is with a few dudes who were decked out in "tactical assault" gear, but were really just airsoft players who took the whole camo thing really seriously. They were nice guys. The other picture is of me with my boyfriend, who was dressed up as Gambit, also from the X-men. X-23 and Gambit fought together on the X-Force team, which had its own subseries. Just Google X-23.
Anyway, pictures. I don't know how big Blogger will make these, but you can always click to expand:
I made a bunch of new cosplay buddies due to being semi-scantily clad and having an accurate costume. I ended up getting stuck in a lot of places because people would just surround me, or me and a buddy, or me and a group of people, and take billions of photos. I honestly couldn't make it more than twenty feet at a time without someone stopping me for a picture. It was a little ridiculous, honestly.
The entire weekend was a huge confidence boost. It was enormously flattering to have people photographing me all weekend and to know that I had the most accurate and well-made costume. There were a few other girls who did X-23 as well, but they all either had shittily-done costumes or just had the wrong body type. This one girl, who is used to dominating cons because she has amazing costumes, did X-23 on Sunday and actually fleed and hid in the exhibition hall after I ran into her. I am usually in awe of the work she does because she has infintiely more sewing talent than I, but her costume just didn't measure up to mine. I felt bad for stealing her thunder, but one simply cannot be tall, curvy, tan, have tiny tinfoil claws, and pull off an X-23. It just doesn't look convincing and was an iffy choice on her part.
The convention was an awesome break from working and having to hide my nerdiness. I now get to return to the real world and conceal my geeky hobbies and such.
I spent the entirety of last week doing hardcore corporate training for my new job, which is at a fancy-ish tanning salon. It's a little insane. I can be superficial at times, for sure, but making a career out of it is like a whole new level of aesthetic obsession. I now have to wear gobs of make up to work and straighten my hair constantly, along with always having to have my nails done, and of course, I have to be tan in order to fit in.
Not that conformity has always been a priority, but I'm in sales, and in order to sell products, I have to use (or at least look like I use) what I'm selling.
I am not a tanner. I have always been flourescently pale and have loved rocking my porcelain complexion, but now, in order to make decent money, I have to sacrifice my skin. I have an newly-developed expertise regarding UV tanning, UV-free tanning, and tanning products, but in order to truly be convincing, I really have to be tan so that I can provide a goal/example to every new customer. It's all business, I suppose.
So, today, I lay in a tanning bed for the first time in my life. It was absolutely terrifying. It was horrendously bright, even with my eye protector thingies on and with my eyes squeezed shut the whole time. It was hot and I could feel my skin absorbing the UV lights, even though I figured out how to get the bed fans going, and I really just couldn't find a way to relax. It was truly scary, lying naked in a lit-up bed feeling like I was getting baked alive into some Hannibal-style human cupcake.
I don't even know if the excruciating seven minutes in the highest pressure bed in the salon was worth it. I don't look very dark, just freckled all to fuck. I feel like a toasted marshmallow.
I suppose bed tanning is not for everyone, but I'm going to try it once or twice more this week before I swear off of it forever. I'm going to give lower pressure beds a chance because I know that I'll need a base tan before I go to that outdoor music festival at the end of June to avoid lobster burns. As it stands, I'll probably just stick to spray tanning 90% of the time anyway, because I don't want to have permanently screwed-up skin, and I'm already a prime candidate for cancer after two benign tumors.
I just wish I could leave my skin alone AND still be okay. I feel like bed tanning once or twice a month will probably be an okay compromise. I can still build a believable color with spray tans and keep myself from looking too Snookified by DHA tanners by bed tanning every so often.
Sigh. I want to be pretty and I want to be financially secure, I just don't want to be tan. Oh well, girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do and the opportunities for advancement with this tanning company are too amazing to pass up, not to mention this is a sales position where I can sell things that I would actually buy. I feel like with this job, I can still maintain a basic level of integrity and actually be proud of my work.
Upcoming plans: rave in a few weeks, Electric Forest music festival in Michigan, Anime Expo Convention in LA, and a possible trip to Rochester (ugggghhhhh noooooo) to see family.
Hope your summers have all been blissful so far!
Julia
This past weekend was Denver Motherfucking Comic Con! It was glorious! Absolute nerd heaven. I even got to stare at George Takei, whose gay babies I would love to have, from like twenty feet away and just drooled over his amazing witty Asian gayness. I love him.
Of course, I cosplayed. I chose to do X-23 from the X-men, who is a female clone of Wolverine. Basically she was engineered to have the same ademantium coated bones and claws, though she only has two claws that sprout from the knuckles of each hand, the other two come out of each foot. She also was made to not have a conscience so that she would be a more effective assassin. She is supposed to be about fourteen, scarily skinny, and super pale due to her lack of socialization/freedom/time in sunlight.
Here are a few pictures. One is with a few dudes who were decked out in "tactical assault" gear, but were really just airsoft players who took the whole camo thing really seriously. They were nice guys. The other picture is of me with my boyfriend, who was dressed up as Gambit, also from the X-men. X-23 and Gambit fought together on the X-Force team, which had its own subseries. Just Google X-23.
Anyway, pictures. I don't know how big Blogger will make these, but you can always click to expand:
I made a bunch of new cosplay buddies due to being semi-scantily clad and having an accurate costume. I ended up getting stuck in a lot of places because people would just surround me, or me and a buddy, or me and a group of people, and take billions of photos. I honestly couldn't make it more than twenty feet at a time without someone stopping me for a picture. It was a little ridiculous, honestly.
The entire weekend was a huge confidence boost. It was enormously flattering to have people photographing me all weekend and to know that I had the most accurate and well-made costume. There were a few other girls who did X-23 as well, but they all either had shittily-done costumes or just had the wrong body type. This one girl, who is used to dominating cons because she has amazing costumes, did X-23 on Sunday and actually fleed and hid in the exhibition hall after I ran into her. I am usually in awe of the work she does because she has infintiely more sewing talent than I, but her costume just didn't measure up to mine. I felt bad for stealing her thunder, but one simply cannot be tall, curvy, tan, have tiny tinfoil claws, and pull off an X-23. It just doesn't look convincing and was an iffy choice on her part.
The convention was an awesome break from working and having to hide my nerdiness. I now get to return to the real world and conceal my geeky hobbies and such.
I spent the entirety of last week doing hardcore corporate training for my new job, which is at a fancy-ish tanning salon. It's a little insane. I can be superficial at times, for sure, but making a career out of it is like a whole new level of aesthetic obsession. I now have to wear gobs of make up to work and straighten my hair constantly, along with always having to have my nails done, and of course, I have to be tan in order to fit in.
Not that conformity has always been a priority, but I'm in sales, and in order to sell products, I have to use (or at least look like I use) what I'm selling.
I am not a tanner. I have always been flourescently pale and have loved rocking my porcelain complexion, but now, in order to make decent money, I have to sacrifice my skin. I have an newly-developed expertise regarding UV tanning, UV-free tanning, and tanning products, but in order to truly be convincing, I really have to be tan so that I can provide a goal/example to every new customer. It's all business, I suppose.
So, today, I lay in a tanning bed for the first time in my life. It was absolutely terrifying. It was horrendously bright, even with my eye protector thingies on and with my eyes squeezed shut the whole time. It was hot and I could feel my skin absorbing the UV lights, even though I figured out how to get the bed fans going, and I really just couldn't find a way to relax. It was truly scary, lying naked in a lit-up bed feeling like I was getting baked alive into some Hannibal-style human cupcake.
I don't even know if the excruciating seven minutes in the highest pressure bed in the salon was worth it. I don't look very dark, just freckled all to fuck. I feel like a toasted marshmallow.
I suppose bed tanning is not for everyone, but I'm going to try it once or twice more this week before I swear off of it forever. I'm going to give lower pressure beds a chance because I know that I'll need a base tan before I go to that outdoor music festival at the end of June to avoid lobster burns. As it stands, I'll probably just stick to spray tanning 90% of the time anyway, because I don't want to have permanently screwed-up skin, and I'm already a prime candidate for cancer after two benign tumors.
I just wish I could leave my skin alone AND still be okay. I feel like bed tanning once or twice a month will probably be an okay compromise. I can still build a believable color with spray tans and keep myself from looking too Snookified by DHA tanners by bed tanning every so often.
Sigh. I want to be pretty and I want to be financially secure, I just don't want to be tan. Oh well, girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do and the opportunities for advancement with this tanning company are too amazing to pass up, not to mention this is a sales position where I can sell things that I would actually buy. I feel like with this job, I can still maintain a basic level of integrity and actually be proud of my work.
Upcoming plans: rave in a few weeks, Electric Forest music festival in Michigan, Anime Expo Convention in LA, and a possible trip to Rochester (ugggghhhhh noooooo) to see family.
Hope your summers have all been blissful so far!
Julia
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Woah No No No No Nope Uh-uh No
One of the many (many many many) things that I put up with within my relationship with my boyfriend is that his immediate family is very dramatic.
Now, my family, while being the picture of dysfunction, is actually quite stable and productive. While we rarely talk to each other, we also rarely have loud confrontations. My immediate family is not great at communicating, but tends to rely upon each other for advice and such when absolutely necessary and functions like a mostly well-oiled machine, getting shit done and tolerating each other.
My darling Technicolor Boy, however, comes from a family of crazy. Granted, everyone's family is delightfully crazy in their own special ways, but when it comes to Technicolor Boy's family, it's like, hard core soap opera crazy. It is a diagnostic psychologist's dream, a veritable cornucopia of behavioral and emotional disorders.
Side note: in case anyone from this family actually ends up reading this at some point, bear in mind that I can think what I'd like and that you and only you can identify yourselves as the subjects of this post. You are not being publicly humiliated. I am simply airing out my frustrations, which is healthy and constructive, and if you doubt a single observation that I make, perhaps you ought to look critically and clinically at yourselves and maybe actually seek help. Not to be insulting or anything, I truly respect you all as individuals. I just have to point this shit out...
I, frankly, derive a small amount of enjoyment from observing the dynamics of the family and from assessing each individual's personality flaws. It should be noted that I am so NOT an expert and am so NOT trying to out anyone here. I am just morbidly fascinated and I feel like I can apply my fairly developed psychological knowledge to analyzing each of their personalities.
They are all such textbook cases:
Dad - Family patriarch and bacon-bringer. Having mid-life crisis due to recent death of his mother. Feels lost and unneeded, trying to decide what he truly wants in life. Tends to sit back and let everyone do their thing. Would recommend humanistic psychological help to aid in attaining self actualization in lieu of his mother's death and recognition of his own advancing age.
Mom - Family matriarch. Far more sympathetic to the 'needs' of her children, is always looking to buy something for them or give them money because the tend to ignore her otherwise. Slight alcoholic, enjoys making drunken late-night phone calls to her children because she feels lonely and obsolete now that they only seem to need her for money. Would recommend volunteering in order to feel needed along with art therapy or some sort of expressive hobby to engage emotional releases in a healthy and constructive way.
Eldest son - Strayed from the family in order to pursue a career as an artist. Is amazingly talented and his career is finally picking up speed, however, he tends to use his blooming career as leverage during arguments in order to make his siblings feel under accomplished and stupid. This is likely due to feelings of personal shame and fear of weakness and being useless. Flouts his ego as a defense mechanism in order to avoid feeling that he, like some of his siblings, is going nowhere in life. Does not associate closely with the rest of the family. Has one child, who is very cute and well taken care of by his girlfriend, who is not the child's legitimate mother.
Eldest daughter - Borderline personality disorder at its finest, she is a volatile combination of utter charm, extremely low self-esteem, and complete lust for attention. She derives her self-worth based upon the attention that she is receiving at any given point, probably due to feeling that attention was drawn away from her as a child due to the births of her younger siblings and that she will be forgotten or lost because her parents no longer focused on only her. Acts manically when she feels wanted and praised, becomes a pathological liar during manic stages to keep the attention high going, to the point where she begins to believe her own stories and has created almost an alternate persona for social situations. Likes it when things go her way, selfish and highly manipulative tendencies, likes to guilt-trip as a way to gain ends while simultaneously garnering sympathy for herself as a victim, which feeds her ever starving ego. During depressive stages, she is self-destructive, viciously mean, and spreads her suffering to others as a coping mechanism. Tends to resort to histrionics when she feels desperately unnoticed. Has exhibited episodes of Munchausen syndrome and Munchausen's by proxy. Would recommend SSRI antidepressants, lithium as a mood stabilizer, cognitive therapy to restructure her thoughts concerning herself, a hobby or intense job to fill her time and provide her some purpose, and complete avoidance of any psychoanalytic therapy as it would likely trigger a manic episode (super liar mode).
Youngest daughter - A flawless case of unmitigated major depression, sharing many of the same low self-esteem issues as her older sister. Seeks self worth and affirmation through the approval of peers, which leads to crime and lack of work or productivity. Tends to conform. Has a history of abusive boyfriends likely due to craving male affection at any cost and feeling as though she deserves the abuse, along with a fear of losing one who 'truly loves' her. Has one child (aka an automatic unconditional love machine which feeds her need to be affirmed as needed/wanted), who is not well taken care of, and another on the way who was fathered by an abusive boyfriend. Would recommend intense cognitive therapy blended with humanistic techniques to promote own self worth so that she stops seeking approval from all the wrong places.
Youngest son (my boyfriend) - Intensely shy and easily overwhelmed. Avoids all confrontation of emotion due to significant depression. Has low self-worth and occasional depressive episodes, but self regulates by distracting himself by working, hobbies, and trying to constantly be surrounded by friends (and not alone with his thoughts). Gets discouraged very easily due to intense feelings of inadequacy in comparison to his older brother and father. Seeks happiness through purpose and success, deeply craves acceptance. Acts aloof and apathetic as a defense mechanism to mask deeper feelings of craving love and wanting to be needed. Would recommend psychoanalytic therapy to decipher roots of his inadequacy issues and to soften defensive behavior; prime candidate for hypnosis.
And scene. I am not a psychologist, but I think I want to be.
The moral of the story is, with all of the depressive personalities thrown together in one household, especially when the strong personalities belonging to the two eldest siblings rear their ugly sides, there is a constant flow of drama. It fluctuates depending on who's in whose house (please enjoy that brief moment of accurate grammar) and even as one who does their best to stay as far the fuck out of everything that I can, I cannot help but become completely exhausted by it all, even as an observer.
The issue now is that as I get closer and closer with my boyfriend, his family is beginning to lump me into their shenanigans, just as every significant boyfriend/spouse has gotten roped in. I have been able to successfully and deftly handle everything that they've thrown at me so far, but I fear bigger things on the horizon. The main thing is that the mother, whom I like and respect very much, likes me a lot due to the fact that I am educated, financially independent, and pay attention to her emotions when she expresses them to me instead of writing them off as theatrics.
I just don't want either of the daughters to isolate me as threat to them in the attention department (subconsciously; consciously, they'd likely find a personal flaw to capitalize upon or emphasize) and then victimize and/or villainize me as a response. I really like everyone in the family--at least, none of them have given me a reason to dislike them yet--and I don't want to be smeared, or have my boyfriend punished for being associated with me.
On the other side of that coin, I really, really, REALLY do not want any of their drama to spill into my life any more than the few times it has. I have my own life to live and unless my boyfriend decides to become my fiance (which is extremely unlikely and will stay that way, thank you very much), they really have no business drawing me into the toxic black hole of drama that they have cultivated for themselves.
My recently adopted response to any sort of drama that has even flicked a slimy tendril in my direction has been to ignore it and move rapidly onward with my life. I have shit to do!! Unfortunately, the eldest daughter, whom my boyfriend is on very sour terms with, has decided that she wants to date one of our roommates. From what I can tell so far, they've been contacting each other for a while behind my boyfriend's back. I personally don't care. If my roommate wants to stick his dick in crazy, he can go for it. She is nice and I like her, but I know what she will do the second she feels like we aren't paying enough attention to her. I know for a fact that my boyfriend is very not okay with one of his good friends trying to date his sibling whom he love/hates. I can predict a shit storm coming our way because of all of this.
Nope. I am not dealing with this. Nope nope nope. No.
Julia
Now, my family, while being the picture of dysfunction, is actually quite stable and productive. While we rarely talk to each other, we also rarely have loud confrontations. My immediate family is not great at communicating, but tends to rely upon each other for advice and such when absolutely necessary and functions like a mostly well-oiled machine, getting shit done and tolerating each other.
My darling Technicolor Boy, however, comes from a family of crazy. Granted, everyone's family is delightfully crazy in their own special ways, but when it comes to Technicolor Boy's family, it's like, hard core soap opera crazy. It is a diagnostic psychologist's dream, a veritable cornucopia of behavioral and emotional disorders.
Side note: in case anyone from this family actually ends up reading this at some point, bear in mind that I can think what I'd like and that you and only you can identify yourselves as the subjects of this post. You are not being publicly humiliated. I am simply airing out my frustrations, which is healthy and constructive, and if you doubt a single observation that I make, perhaps you ought to look critically and clinically at yourselves and maybe actually seek help. Not to be insulting or anything, I truly respect you all as individuals. I just have to point this shit out...
I, frankly, derive a small amount of enjoyment from observing the dynamics of the family and from assessing each individual's personality flaws. It should be noted that I am so NOT an expert and am so NOT trying to out anyone here. I am just morbidly fascinated and I feel like I can apply my fairly developed psychological knowledge to analyzing each of their personalities.
They are all such textbook cases:
Dad - Family patriarch and bacon-bringer. Having mid-life crisis due to recent death of his mother. Feels lost and unneeded, trying to decide what he truly wants in life. Tends to sit back and let everyone do their thing. Would recommend humanistic psychological help to aid in attaining self actualization in lieu of his mother's death and recognition of his own advancing age.
Mom - Family matriarch. Far more sympathetic to the 'needs' of her children, is always looking to buy something for them or give them money because the tend to ignore her otherwise. Slight alcoholic, enjoys making drunken late-night phone calls to her children because she feels lonely and obsolete now that they only seem to need her for money. Would recommend volunteering in order to feel needed along with art therapy or some sort of expressive hobby to engage emotional releases in a healthy and constructive way.
Eldest son - Strayed from the family in order to pursue a career as an artist. Is amazingly talented and his career is finally picking up speed, however, he tends to use his blooming career as leverage during arguments in order to make his siblings feel under accomplished and stupid. This is likely due to feelings of personal shame and fear of weakness and being useless. Flouts his ego as a defense mechanism in order to avoid feeling that he, like some of his siblings, is going nowhere in life. Does not associate closely with the rest of the family. Has one child, who is very cute and well taken care of by his girlfriend, who is not the child's legitimate mother.
Eldest daughter - Borderline personality disorder at its finest, she is a volatile combination of utter charm, extremely low self-esteem, and complete lust for attention. She derives her self-worth based upon the attention that she is receiving at any given point, probably due to feeling that attention was drawn away from her as a child due to the births of her younger siblings and that she will be forgotten or lost because her parents no longer focused on only her. Acts manically when she feels wanted and praised, becomes a pathological liar during manic stages to keep the attention high going, to the point where she begins to believe her own stories and has created almost an alternate persona for social situations. Likes it when things go her way, selfish and highly manipulative tendencies, likes to guilt-trip as a way to gain ends while simultaneously garnering sympathy for herself as a victim, which feeds her ever starving ego. During depressive stages, she is self-destructive, viciously mean, and spreads her suffering to others as a coping mechanism. Tends to resort to histrionics when she feels desperately unnoticed. Has exhibited episodes of Munchausen syndrome and Munchausen's by proxy. Would recommend SSRI antidepressants, lithium as a mood stabilizer, cognitive therapy to restructure her thoughts concerning herself, a hobby or intense job to fill her time and provide her some purpose, and complete avoidance of any psychoanalytic therapy as it would likely trigger a manic episode (super liar mode).
Youngest daughter - A flawless case of unmitigated major depression, sharing many of the same low self-esteem issues as her older sister. Seeks self worth and affirmation through the approval of peers, which leads to crime and lack of work or productivity. Tends to conform. Has a history of abusive boyfriends likely due to craving male affection at any cost and feeling as though she deserves the abuse, along with a fear of losing one who 'truly loves' her. Has one child (aka an automatic unconditional love machine which feeds her need to be affirmed as needed/wanted), who is not well taken care of, and another on the way who was fathered by an abusive boyfriend. Would recommend intense cognitive therapy blended with humanistic techniques to promote own self worth so that she stops seeking approval from all the wrong places.
Youngest son (my boyfriend) - Intensely shy and easily overwhelmed. Avoids all confrontation of emotion due to significant depression. Has low self-worth and occasional depressive episodes, but self regulates by distracting himself by working, hobbies, and trying to constantly be surrounded by friends (and not alone with his thoughts). Gets discouraged very easily due to intense feelings of inadequacy in comparison to his older brother and father. Seeks happiness through purpose and success, deeply craves acceptance. Acts aloof and apathetic as a defense mechanism to mask deeper feelings of craving love and wanting to be needed. Would recommend psychoanalytic therapy to decipher roots of his inadequacy issues and to soften defensive behavior; prime candidate for hypnosis.
And scene. I am not a psychologist, but I think I want to be.
The moral of the story is, with all of the depressive personalities thrown together in one household, especially when the strong personalities belonging to the two eldest siblings rear their ugly sides, there is a constant flow of drama. It fluctuates depending on who's in whose house (please enjoy that brief moment of accurate grammar) and even as one who does their best to stay as far the fuck out of everything that I can, I cannot help but become completely exhausted by it all, even as an observer.
The issue now is that as I get closer and closer with my boyfriend, his family is beginning to lump me into their shenanigans, just as every significant boyfriend/spouse has gotten roped in. I have been able to successfully and deftly handle everything that they've thrown at me so far, but I fear bigger things on the horizon. The main thing is that the mother, whom I like and respect very much, likes me a lot due to the fact that I am educated, financially independent, and pay attention to her emotions when she expresses them to me instead of writing them off as theatrics.
I just don't want either of the daughters to isolate me as threat to them in the attention department (subconsciously; consciously, they'd likely find a personal flaw to capitalize upon or emphasize) and then victimize and/or villainize me as a response. I really like everyone in the family--at least, none of them have given me a reason to dislike them yet--and I don't want to be smeared, or have my boyfriend punished for being associated with me.
On the other side of that coin, I really, really, REALLY do not want any of their drama to spill into my life any more than the few times it has. I have my own life to live and unless my boyfriend decides to become my fiance (which is extremely unlikely and will stay that way, thank you very much), they really have no business drawing me into the toxic black hole of drama that they have cultivated for themselves.
My recently adopted response to any sort of drama that has even flicked a slimy tendril in my direction has been to ignore it and move rapidly onward with my life. I have shit to do!! Unfortunately, the eldest daughter, whom my boyfriend is on very sour terms with, has decided that she wants to date one of our roommates. From what I can tell so far, they've been contacting each other for a while behind my boyfriend's back. I personally don't care. If my roommate wants to stick his dick in crazy, he can go for it. She is nice and I like her, but I know what she will do the second she feels like we aren't paying enough attention to her. I know for a fact that my boyfriend is very not okay with one of his good friends trying to date his sibling whom he love/hates. I can predict a shit storm coming our way because of all of this.
Nope. I am not dealing with this. Nope nope nope. No.
Julia
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Dear Phoenix,
YOU LEAVE ME SO MANY COMMENTS AND THEY ALL HAVE STUFF I SHOULD REPLY TO SO HERE
I didn't know you went to Berkeley! That's exciting. I was only there for a debate competition, I never applied, though I wish I had because the campus and surrounding city are gorgeous. It's hard to keep up on actually this blog! Well, now, maybe not so much, but until yesterday, I literally had about a bazillion other things that needed to get done every day. Don't join a monastery, those are creepy. Too chanty. No, I have not watched any of the new Venture Bros. because my boyfriend decided to stop downloading them and I don't like the show enough to do it of my own accord, though it is quite funny. Again, never abandoned this blog, just was preoccupied... Constantly. Candle light yoga is actually much less relaxing than one might think, it's a super hard workout, the candles are just nice for the final meditation part. It's a nice way to end one's day. Do you like Nietzsche, or do you "like" Nietzsche? Because I have read way too many of his books and have also read several theses on how his ideas relate to stuff so if you're going to want to talk Nietzsche with me, prepare yourself for legit Nietzsche, not just "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, shit that's deep!" Because I take my Nietzsche very seriously... Although I still to this day cannot remember for the life of me how to actually spell his name correctly; I always mix up the i-e order at the beginning. You have a lovely summer too! I may or may not start on that vlog once I can find a filming apparatus. The one I had in mind is no longer available and I have no video editing skills. Anyway. There.
Julia
I didn't know you went to Berkeley! That's exciting. I was only there for a debate competition, I never applied, though I wish I had because the campus and surrounding city are gorgeous. It's hard to keep up on actually this blog! Well, now, maybe not so much, but until yesterday, I literally had about a bazillion other things that needed to get done every day. Don't join a monastery, those are creepy. Too chanty. No, I have not watched any of the new Venture Bros. because my boyfriend decided to stop downloading them and I don't like the show enough to do it of my own accord, though it is quite funny. Again, never abandoned this blog, just was preoccupied... Constantly. Candle light yoga is actually much less relaxing than one might think, it's a super hard workout, the candles are just nice for the final meditation part. It's a nice way to end one's day. Do you like Nietzsche, or do you "like" Nietzsche? Because I have read way too many of his books and have also read several theses on how his ideas relate to stuff so if you're going to want to talk Nietzsche with me, prepare yourself for legit Nietzsche, not just "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, shit that's deep!" Because I take my Nietzsche very seriously... Although I still to this day cannot remember for the life of me how to actually spell his name correctly; I always mix up the i-e order at the beginning. You have a lovely summer too! I may or may not start on that vlog once I can find a filming apparatus. The one I had in mind is no longer available and I have no video editing skills. Anyway. There.
Julia
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