Quick life update before I start trying to get deep and thoughtful:
My job at the tanning salon is turning around, and I am apparently much better at it than I thought. I'm still looking for other jobs, but right now I know that I can rely on the tanning job for at least a bit of an income until I find something else. Also, I'm starting to prepare for Electric Forest and Anime Expo. For Electric, all I really need to do is set some money aside. For Anime Expo, I am sewing two of my own costumes and hoping all the elements that I ordered make it to me on time and intact. Aside from that, life is starting to fall into a groove again, which is nice.
So.
In preparation for both of these events, Technicolor Boy has been freaking out about things being unprepared and things not getting here on time and this and that, and I keep offering financial help, and he keeps refusing. It's getting to the point now where if I don't step in and do some executive fixing of things despite his refusal, I may end up getting screwed along with him. I'm half way tempted to just override his preparations and prepare completely on my own, for the both of us. I am only thinking about this because he continually refuses any help I offer and accepts only the help he asks for.
Needless to say, this is incredibly frustrating. I feel that his behavior is unmitigated and selfish, however, very human and justifiable. I see this same pattern in many other people, including myself, and it makes me think: to help or not to help? To be a good person or not to be a good person? To be controlling and make sure things happen, or to leave control to others and watch things fall apart?
I've always had a problem with thinking interpersonally, namely because I'm so used to being surrounded by idiots that it's instinctive for me to want to do everything myself just to ensure that it gets done. However, everyone that I deal with on a daily basis is my age or older and I can't just treat them like children because that's terribly disrespectful, so I find myself stepping back and letting people do things their way, only for their way of doing things to be proven unsuccessful, even catastrophic at times.
I am at a loss as to where to find the balance in my personal universe.
When do I step in? Do I need to save the day, or is it more valuable to let people learn from a mistake? When do I cut my losses and let shit hit the fan? What if another person's shortcomings affect me? What do I fucking do?
I am in no way implying that I am some faultless expert at life, because I am definitely one of the most headstrong, stubborn, I-can-do-it-myself-back-the-fuck-off people ever. But I try to be helpful to others, especially when they are obviously struggling. When it comes to simple things that I could easily fix, I don't when to fix things and when to just let them be broken. Ugh.
My problem is that I am not a gambler. It is very hard for me to take a chance on anything, especially other people, because I like to take actions only when I can be sure of the outcome. I know that I need to give more credit to the people around me, but I feel like every time I put my full faith into someone else, they choose that time to prove my assumptions of their capabilities incorrect and totally don't deliver.
Conversely, I find often that when I take control of a situation in spite of others being there, it breeds resentment because I end up finding out later that my stepping in was unnecessary. I just don't know what to do.
I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly, but I don't want everyone to hate me for being obnoxious and micromanaging. I cannot find the balance I seek, and I fear that it will have dire consequences if I don't start balancing shit out really soon. The bottom line is, I have a week until the two biggest events of my summer, and I am prepared, but my boyfriend is not. We have one week to get his shit together, or else I will end up screwed right along with him.
How far do I let things crumble before I make a command decision and just take over?
Julia
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