Short side thought:

For my Harvard application essay, they didn't give an actual prompt, so I asked my mom (the Harvard grad) what I should write about, and she suggested the evacuation from bootcamp due to the fire this summer. Btw, if you want to reread that lovely ordeal, you can find it here. Her advice to me was that my essay should be emotional, evocative, and compelling. I've got it all banged out and I'm going to edit the fuck out of it, along with my Stanford essays, tomorrow.

That's not the point!
The point is that I have much more vivid memories of that 36 hours than I thought I did. There are little smells and sounds that I keep reliving. It's very unnerving and it's making me realize how fucking traumatic the whole experience was. In the moment, I sort of shut my brain down and went into leader-mode. I was keeping my cadets calm and functional, and nothing else mattered but their safety and my accountability. Looking back, I was kind of a bad ass, barking orders with a bleeding pharynx because the air was so fucked up by the smoke and all.

Sigh. I still can't process that day.



Julia

The Next Three Weeks

I am entering the most stressful three weeks probably ever.
Thanksgiving break is officially over, and in between now and the beginning of Christmas break, I face some majorly stress-inducing events:
-submission of college applications
-semester finals
-did I mention college applications?

HOLY SHIT JESUS. Seriously, you guys, I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into by applying to three prestigious-as-fuck schools along with two other slightly-less-but-still-pretty-impressive schools. It will be a miracle if I can get these applications in completed and on time, let alone get actually accepted anywhere.

My college applications are making me crazy!

The supplements are extensive and I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough. Gah! I am so scared to be rejected by every out-of-state school that I am applying to, but looking at my life and achievements objectively, it's a serious possibility that I may end up having to stay in Colorado for my undergraduate education.

I dream so big :/

The best part is that due to the weird and convoluted requirements of the GHS program that I am in, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CREDITS TO EVEN GRADUATE RIGHT NOW.
Cue the freaking out.
I am missing an entire language credit and math credit. So, amongst keeping my head above water when it comes to homework, getting my college essays and such looking fab, and just not failing my classes, I'll have to complete two entire credits.
In three weeks.

On top of everything, my personal health is still shittastic as ever and if it weren't for all the vicodin that I keep getting prescribed, I'd probably be unable to actually function, let alone, like, succeed, and stuff.

I am very glad that I have a boyfriend whom I can cuddle and fuck and then cuddle again because if it weren't for that, I'd probably have an aneurysm and die, which would be such a waste of all my academic and extracurricular ninja-ing.

I am very ready for next semester when I will hopefully be much less stressed out. Until then, my bloggage will likely be sporadic and in smaller quantities.


Julia

Reverence

Can I just say that is is so weird to have free time! I don't know what to do with myself. I've been able to entertain myself for the moment by becoming pretty. I straightened my hair and plucked my eyebrows and stuff, and I think I'll even put on make up for work. It has been so long!!

But anyway.

Seeing as it is the season to be thankful, I'm going to talk about the one thing that I will never, ever, ever take for granted: music.
(and this is not going to be one of those 'music saved my life posts' or any of that bullshit, so don't feel inclined to cringe just yet)

Now, I love me some EDM, I can get down on some hip hop, I tend to tolerate pop, and I adore classic rock, but my heart sings for two genres above all others, and I will forever enjoy them and be grateful for their existence.

1) Classical

For those of you who are also classical music nerds, I'm just going to clarify right now that by "classical" I mean orchestral and vocal music written by people who are now dead, not including movie scores, etc, though I do love Hanz Zimmer.

Classical is one of those genres that requires an artful and almost diagnostic approach to play well, and when done right, is fantastic to listen to. It is so intricate and ornate, it's almost visually appealing to those who can pick apart the individual and theoretical elements.

Also, opera is like, my musical happy place. I am just so in love with the majesty and catharsis of older music. Bwaaaah!

2) Musicals

You may cringe now, if you so choose; I care not. I love theater music. Again, as a point of clarification, by "musicals" I mean Broadway, West End, and off-Broadway show tunes, not Glee or weird independent productions.

There is something fantastic about stories being told in the way that they are with musicals. The phenomenon of breaking into song when one is so full of emotion that they can no longer speak will forever be one of the most enjoyable and entertaining phenomena ever to grace my musical life.

 The thing about both classical and musicals is that they are really fun to listen to as well as perform. I thoroughly enjoy participating in both sides of the musical coin when it comes to either genre.

My iPod is jam-packed with the well known along side the obscure, and after a day of listening, I must say, I am truly thankful for music as a whole, not because I owe it anything, but because it makes me happy without any drawbacks.

Yay music!


Julia

Minor Victory

Last night, I was laying on Technicolor Boy's couch with a heated rice pad thing on my tummy (because my busted-up ovary was hurting) while waiting for him to get home from work. His cat was entertaining itself with the hood string of one of my favorite hoodies and I was reading news articles on my phone.

He came bursting through the front door with a whole crew of his buddies from work. As he was introducing me to them, one of them asked if I was his girlfriend. He replied "Yeah."

HE SAID IT. HE SAID IT OUT LOUD, IN FRONT OF MULTIPLE FRIENDS.
*win*

I asked him about it this morning while I was taking him to class, and he tried to play it off as "oh, it was just a simpler explanation blah blah blah I don't like emotional tie-downs because they always end badly blah blah" Mhmm. Because eight months of monogamy and rampant codependency are TOTALLY NOT indicative of an emotional commitment. Oh honey.

He is absolutely emotionally invested in me, as I am in him, regardless of his denial. Whenever thing end, be it when I move across the country (hopefully) for college or before or even after that, it is going to suck horribly for the both of us. That's just inevitable. We crossed the emotional-involvement line around month number two.  He's been gradually getting more and more fucked ever since, especially because of all of the things that we have helped each other to get through (my miscarriage, his family stuff, etc) Plus, there's that whole "I love you" thing. You don't just say that to a girl you're fucking for funsies, especially not once an hour. And I'd like to take a moment to remind you that he said it first, and I didn't say it back until he had said it a few times. SO THERE.

I could say all these things to him, but I think he knows and is just trying to guard his feelings by not admitting everything to himself. If I say it, then it becomes a tangible problem and he may impulsively dump me or something as a knee-jerk reaction/attempt to keep his heart from being damaged, because boys are stupid like that, so I'll just keep my mouth shut.

I mean, I realize that his last relationship was extremely emotional and ended badly and left him really heartbroken, but so did mine. So has everyone's. Losing the person that you thought would love you forever sucks! But letting the fear of being hurt stop you from being happy, maybe even happier, with someone else? That's such a pussy move. 

Sigh sigh digress digress.
I'm happy where we are, even if it does annoy me that he is still in denial about it. He'll either come around or realize things when I'm gone; either way, he'll have to face it sooner or later.

BUT. He called me his girlfriend in front of his friends. He's never done that before. So, I'll take this minor victory and let him grow into it.



Julia

Taco Bell is my Xanax

Tonight, after work, I went promptly to the Taco Bell drive-through, I then proceeded to eat cold, shittily-made nachos while watching SourceFed videos in a sad attempt to include some form of wit and culture in my life.

Nachos+YouTube. This is my life now. Fuck everything, I didn't want to go to an Ivy league anyway...

SO. Story time:
Yesterday morning, I woke up in Technicolor Boy's bed, sat up, then promptly began sobbing and hyperventilating due to an intensely stabby pain in my lower left tummy area.

I ruptured an ovarian cyst.

Then I skipped school to spend hours in urgent care, then worked closing shifts two days in a row. The End.

Despite my working closers quite often, my mother still texts me asking when I will be home almost every night. Woman, if I get home at eleven one night, it is likely I will get home at eleven EVERY FUCKING NIGHT because work schedules tend to be fucking repetitive. Not like she's every been in the American workforce or knows this shit...?

School is stressful and boring simultaneously. Technicolor Boy is being weird ever since the tattoo discussion. My left ovary, which now has scar tissues on it along with two other cysts, hurts like a bitch. I really want some vicodin, but the doctors keep giving me shitty anti-inflammatories.

I am obviously in desperate need of inspiration...


Julia

Tattooed Thoughts

Recently, my desire to get another tattoo has been growing. I have an idea for another stick-and-poke that I could easily do if given enough vodka and episodes of an intense drama to watch. I also have a few ideas about pieces that I would get done professionally/need a gun to look good. If I can find a scratcher, I'll probably get one done soon, but if not, I suppose I'll get one done on my eighteenth birthday.

Sharing my desire for a new tattoo is Technicolor Boy. We were talking today and I realized that a tattoo would make the perfect present for him, so I offered to buy him a small piece for Christmas. He was pretty stoked on the idea, and I was pretty happy that he approved and I asked if he had any ideas, and then he said this:

"Well, I would kinda want it to have to do with you...maybe..."

To which I politely said, "Oh hell the fuck no." and he is now moping.

I feel badly for shooting him down, but let's assess, shall we? This is a boy whom, while I love him more than anyone else and have been with him for about eight months now, still cannot even call me his girlfriend in front of his friends. While I am flattered that he'd want to get a tattoo that had anything to do with me at all, I honestly don't think that it would be a good idea. For his own sake, you know?


I don't think he wants me on his skin for years. I mean, he obviously does now, but in a few years, he likely won't, and I'd rather his memory of me not be associated with the extreme regret that accompanies unwanted tattoos. I don't know how things between he and I will turn out, but I am fairly certain that they will not last forever, while tattoos do. He should get a piece done for him; the fact that I am buying it is already tying me to it too much.

I know he loves me, but I also know that I cannot compare to his ex, nor to his long-standing friendships or personal triumphs, and therefore, am too small in his grand scheme to merit a tattoo homage. Even if he currently believes differently, I know where I stand pragmatically.

I don't know what to think. I adore this boy, and I love that he loves me, but I'm painfully aware of my position. It's not as though I can hope to be more to him, and I can't assume that he is trying to imply that with this tattoo comment.

If and until he grows the balls to tell me his thoughts about my position on his internal hierarchy outright, I can only believe what I have been led to about my importance to him.

Sigh... maybe I'll do that stick-and-poke soon...


Julia

OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

For those of you who do not know me personally, follow my Twitter or Facebook, or have not simply assumed, you should know that I am a very passionate person about politics. I have tried to keep that aspect of my personality out of my blogging because its inclusion would become very obnoxious very quickly. However, it's election night, so buckle up for some mostly liberal political shenanigans. (I say mostly because I am kind of more of an independent than a die-hard left winger)

I worked a six hour closing shift tonight, so I missed the whole suspenseful vote-counting part of this election. I got home right as Romney decided to concede, so I watched his and Obama's respective speeches. Here are my post-election thoughts:

-Yay! I get to keep getting free birth control injections and can still have abortions if I need one! Also, it is still a possibility that some day my best friend will be able to marry the man of his choice!
-Romney's concession speech struck me as sort of last minute. Was it just me? I just got the impression that he didn't expect to lose and hadn't sufficiently prepared for that possibility.
-I am honestly shocked that Obama won, but that is probably because I always tend to expect the worst. Also because I live in the republican/conservative part of Colorado, not the progressive/liberal part.
-I have the sudden urge to go TP the 3x5 foot Romney campaign sign that has been staring me in the face from my neighbor's yard for the past three weeks...
-Obama's speech was very nice. I liked the passion and I think I agree with core message that it's Americans who have to make shit happen, not just our leaders. However, after not seeing tremendous progress in certain areas over the past four years, I am left wondering about how much progress will be made during the next four.
-I really hope no one gets over excited and kills the president.
-I loved that they used that Springsteen song as Obama's victory/exit music. It was so fitting, like, the perfect combo of American classic rock and stirring messages.
-Ok, cool, now will the po-ads get the fuck off of YouTube?

Also, my state just legalized marijuana. I'm pretty excited about that too, despite that fact that I really am not a stoner. I mean, if someone else is packing, I'll partake, but it's not a huge nor imperative part of my life. If I'm going to do drugs, I prefer the hard ones, but that's beside the point. I'm more exited about the fact that my friends will be at a significantly lower risk of getting arrested every day.

I am just now realizing that I'll be spending most of my day tomorrow on the CU campus, which is going to be a stoner double whammy, because Boulder itself is super left wing-hippy, and CU is notorious for being a party school and stoner haven. I just hope there isn't so much smoke in the air that my throat hurts; I'll be on campus for a classical choir festival and stuff.

I think I'll take this dual victory and quit while I'm ahead. It's been a long night, but I think there's hope for the future, which is a good way to feel.

Night night kiddos.


Julia