Tattooed Thoughts

Recently, my desire to get another tattoo has been growing. I have an idea for another stick-and-poke that I could easily do if given enough vodka and episodes of an intense drama to watch. I also have a few ideas about pieces that I would get done professionally/need a gun to look good. If I can find a scratcher, I'll probably get one done soon, but if not, I suppose I'll get one done on my eighteenth birthday.

Sharing my desire for a new tattoo is Technicolor Boy. We were talking today and I realized that a tattoo would make the perfect present for him, so I offered to buy him a small piece for Christmas. He was pretty stoked on the idea, and I was pretty happy that he approved and I asked if he had any ideas, and then he said this:

"Well, I would kinda want it to have to do with you...maybe..."

To which I politely said, "Oh hell the fuck no." and he is now moping.

I feel badly for shooting him down, but let's assess, shall we? This is a boy whom, while I love him more than anyone else and have been with him for about eight months now, still cannot even call me his girlfriend in front of his friends. While I am flattered that he'd want to get a tattoo that had anything to do with me at all, I honestly don't think that it would be a good idea. For his own sake, you know?


I don't think he wants me on his skin for years. I mean, he obviously does now, but in a few years, he likely won't, and I'd rather his memory of me not be associated with the extreme regret that accompanies unwanted tattoos. I don't know how things between he and I will turn out, but I am fairly certain that they will not last forever, while tattoos do. He should get a piece done for him; the fact that I am buying it is already tying me to it too much.

I know he loves me, but I also know that I cannot compare to his ex, nor to his long-standing friendships or personal triumphs, and therefore, am too small in his grand scheme to merit a tattoo homage. Even if he currently believes differently, I know where I stand pragmatically.

I don't know what to think. I adore this boy, and I love that he loves me, but I'm painfully aware of my position. It's not as though I can hope to be more to him, and I can't assume that he is trying to imply that with this tattoo comment.

If and until he grows the balls to tell me his thoughts about my position on his internal hierarchy outright, I can only believe what I have been led to about my importance to him.

Sigh... maybe I'll do that stick-and-poke soon...


Julia