Blessed Are The Forgetful.

Oh to be ignorant again.
I miss that feeling of kindergarten, before it mattered what people thought of you, and before you cared anyway. I miss not having a cell phone to constantly check or a facebook to obsess over. I miss not knowing that there are people dying half way around the world and I miss not understanding what guilt and selfishness are. I miss being able to cry every time I got angry or sad, and I miss being able to scream at the top of my lungs whenever I felt like I was going to explode. I miss not knowing about sex or drugs, and I miss the days before they were even relevant to my life. I miss the days when I knew what exactly what love meant and I knew exactly who deserved it. I miss knowing exactly when you did something wrong and not trying to even justify it, but just going to time-out to accept that you had lied or decieved or cheated or stolen. I miss most of all the constant happiness with life and its never-ending potential.

Sometimes I feel like it'd be better to just not know about anything rather than deal with knowing everything. No I don't mean I'm some super-genius-kiddo. But life was so much simpler before I realized my own abilities to learn about things I don't want to know about or to do things I know I shouldn't be doing or to hurt people deliberately but find some way to justify it. I think that evil is born of misplaced intelligence and unkempt maturity.

24 hours ago, I was elated and shocked at my own actions, and now here I am regretting them. I have this gnawing feeling that I've done wrong, and I know exactly what I did, and I realize the hippocrisy of it all. Worst of all I know what I can do to fix it. I know exactly what I can do to fix it. But life and all its little ironies won't let me walk away smiling after I do what I know I need to. Because even though what I should do is the right thing, I could end up losing more people when I'm already dealing with the loss of my best friend.

So now, 24 hours later, instead of being noble and shit and doing what I know would be the right thing, I'm sitting here obsessing over text messages and being greedy. I want to keep what I've worked for, not throw it away because it's hazardous. I know it's hazardous, but it's mine, and I've lost so much already this summer, I don't know if I could bear to lose more.
Oh to be ignorant again...


This kind of turned into a gut-spill... sorry about that :P

I didn't wake up and smell the coffee...

I saw the movie "Inception" today. Well actually, tonight. It was dark by the time Mwb and I got to the movie theater. It was definitely as ridiculous as the previews would lead you to believe, lots of explosions and crazy visuals and thought-screwing. I suppose the excessive action could be the reason why I held onto Mwb's hand for dear life throughout the entire film. And all the gunshots and explosions were probably the reason why my heart was going at about a million miles per hour. And I suppose it was the shock from the mind-fuckiness of it all that caused me to kiss Mwb during the ending credits. Oh Dear.

Tarot and Hondas

Yesterday I hung out with Blonde and Brunette again. I feel like they were a tad more welcoming, but only a tad. Whatever. I think I'm just going to have to let this one play out before I decide to freak out again.
We kept quoting the Honda scene from "Employee of the Month" because it's funny as fuck :)
Blonde has a tarot deck, so we read each others' cards. We did Celtic tarot, which basically means you're supposed to think of a really deep question and you'll find the answer in the cards.

Here was my question: "Is Mwb using me, or is he actually serious about this?"
The cards said "Hey Jules, wake up and smell the sex, *cough* I mean coffee. Maybe he's not the user here, Miss Always-Looking-For-Instant-Happiness."

That was about all the answers I needed.

Communication is Key

add me on facebook!
Julia Metlay

or Skype!
RainboRevolver

wanna text? add me on fb first lol

The thing about leagues...

On his facebook, he's got all these pictures of him looking adorable and him with his ex... recent ex... who I hope to God is still his ex. When I had a random late-night stalkathon I did not expect to find myself reading his profile, but there I was. Fuck. Fuck!!

What's winding me up is that not only is he gorgeous and he knows it, but he looked so damn adorable with her. I could tell they'd been together for just about forever. How the hell do I live up to that? Honestly, how do I prove to him I'm worth it? I mean, in a non-slutty yet memorable way? Why do I feel like he's wayyyy out of my league? The whole confidence-around-guys-thing has never been an issue for me, so this is throwing me off a little bit.

And why the hell do I suddenly care so much??
I NEVER care this much, especially about silly whoreboys. Something is seriously wrong here.

I think that song "Crazy" by Mandy Barnett would totally start playing right now if my life had a soundtrack...

Mattress

There's a little cartoon man who is running away from his fears. He runs and runs, letting his life chase him all over the place until eventually he gets chased right off the top of a very high building. He screams as he falls, thinking he is doomed. But when he's close to the end, he realizes there is a mattress just beneath him, which he slams into. Although it still hurts a ton when he's done falling, he's not dead, and that mattress saved him from an untimely death. The little cartoon man walks out of the frame as the credits begin to roll.

To everyone who said things to me about my last post, thanks for being my mattress. I've calmed down a lot since yesterday, and thanks to y'all, I've got some sage advice to help me through. Daniel, you're awesome. Cassi, you are seriously fun. Mallorylisaaa, you're super sweet.


:)

Green Nails

I'm lost somewhere between wanting to cry and wanting to throw up. And yes, this is going to be one of those venty, long posts because I'm just in a soul-spilling mood right now.

Here's how it is: Yesterday was supposed to be so many things, but it wasn't. It was very different.
Yesterday, I went to Denver to hang out with Mwb, because even though he's a Mwb we're still buds. But I like him, and he likes me and we both know that, and since he's finally single, I guess yesterday was supposed to be a date. Instead, it was awkward as fuck, and when I thought we'd be having romantic moments, it was just awkward. We both know how much fucking potential there is for us, but for some reason we just can't utilize it.

After Denver, I went to my bud's house. Let's call her Blonde. We were hanging out with this girl, Brunette, who we had both been tight with in 2 years ago, and kind of got astranged from this year. But we've all grown up a little bit, so we're back to being buds again I guess. We baked awesome brownies and then we partied a little bit with some of Brunette's guy friends.
I won't lie, I got fucked up. I had 4 or 5 shots of Captain Morgan, then took a few hits off of a minibong and a pipe, plus I shared a cig with Brunette's boyfriend. I honestly thought I held my shit pretty well, I wasn't falling all over the place or makeing out with any of the people I was with, nor was I breaking stuff, hurting people, yelling, or being slutty in any way. That's stupid, and I never act that sloppy. But, since I'm a talkitive drunk and I was slurring my words and saying stupid shit, I guess that means I was a 'hot mess'. I can understand if I was annoying or something, but honestly, considering how intoxicated I was, I was on good behavior (so to speak).
But Blonde and Brunette kept shooting me these looks, so I just decided to text people, because I was starting to feel very uninvited. I talked to Mwb, and I asked him to be my boyfriend even though we both knew that was the alcohol speaking. He declined, thank God. We just talked about us and our non-relationship. I don't know what we are, friends but not fuck buddies, we like each other but don't love eachother.
Then this morning, we had all sobered up and didn't have hangovers, and we were just chilling until Blonde's mom could drive us home. Blonde and Brunette weren't mad at me for being drunk, but I feel like they lost respect for me because I got wasted. And then on the way home, they were texting each other the entire time and I just wanted to hide my face or turn invisible so I could disappear like they wanted.

Here comes the gut spill:
Blonde is my best friend, best best best friend, and it's been like that for a while. But now that Brunette is back in our lives, instead of us being 3 buds, I feel like Blonde is starting to replace me in her mind with Brunette. Of course, Blonde and I are still tight, but I feel like our entire friendship was just sort of filler. Like, I'm a temporary bud for her, and even though we've had some awesome times and have a ton of inside jokes, I'm old news, and Brunette is just a cooler person then me, because let's face it, she is, and since Blonde are Brunette fell right back into being how they used to after a year of hostile seperation, not only am I a little jealous but I feel like all of my memories with Blonde are being invalidated.
I'm losing my best friend, am getting replaced right before my very eyes, and it seems I'm being shut out of a potential threesome friendship because I guess Blonde only wants one super-close bud. I hate this feeling of being uninvited. What hurts like fuck is that Blonde doesn't even notice how much I'm getting twisted by this. She's ignorantly and serenely continueing on.
Blonde and I have never been clingy or emotionally heavy to eachother, so I guess I can't expect too much from her, and I know I'm just having a clingy-jealous-whatever freakout. Change is life, but this one suckssss. Because I know a way that this wouldn't suck, but it's not going down like that.
Because nothing goes down the way you expect it to. Nothing goes down how you want it to. You build up a situation in your mind because you can't help but predict the ending, but then God or whoever decides to make the world spin the other direction and there goes everything. It seemed like I was having fun, but underneath the fun there's all this bullshit that I don't want to have to deal with.

In the end I know why this is all bothering me far more then it should. I hate to lose, and in one day I've managed to lose any chance of fixing things with Mwb, respect from the people I partied with, a friendship that's been so huge in my life I wouldn't know what to do without it, and my confidence in any action I do. Because usually, when I'm being all bold and me-like, I do whatever and I do it with enough bravado to be able to pass it off as the right thing, always. Now I'm realizing, I'm not doing anything right.

Now that I know how that day went, I wish I could rewind it and start over and do it the right way. Kiss Mwb, drink one less shot, and be more of a person someone'd want to stay friends with.



ughhhhh.

Aprés moi, ma petite chou.

Regina Spektor sounds cooler when she sings in Russian.
My dad speaks Russian.
Russian sounds like Hebrew.
Israel is pretty.
France is pretty.
I speak French better then my psychotic French teacher.
I really love croissants.
French food always has a lot of butter.
Cassi has buttery colored eyes.
I like making eye contact with people who have gorgeous eyes.
Eye contatct is important for speech-giving.
I still need to find a piece for forensics next year.
I went to the library, but that didn't really help.
I like the library, even though the Young adult section lacks good authors.
A few of my friends work at the library.
I need a real job.
Sami has a real job, I'm jealous.
Sami can play piano.
Her favorite is Regina Spektor.
Regina Spektor sounds cooler when she sings in Russian.

alright, soooo how does one change their 'comments' to being 'lovesss' or 'questions, comments, missing limbs?' because I simply cannot figure that out...

If You're Gonna Screw Her Over, Use A Wrench.

I. Am. Angry. Today.
Not even angry because of something that happened to me, angry on behalf of my friend. But still, I am about ready to rip a hole in the sky with my teeth.

So here's what happened: my friend had been training for a position at work for a month, but tonight this other guy got the position just because he had a slightly higher rank than my friend. Nevermind that this guy has no training, no qualification, and can barely handle the non-position he's in right now. But since he's got a tiny bit of seniority on my friend, he gets the job.

Excuse me, but WHAT. THE. FUCK? Have my superiors lost their cohesive albeit small minds?!? Not only is this a COMMON SENSE situation here, but this leaves my friend screwed. Boy was she pissed when they gave this guy her position right in front of her face, without even the courtesy to warn her that the position wasn't going to her. But wait kids, this gets better! When my friend protested this decision (for obvious reasons) she got chewed out.

So here's what's really pissing me off:
We just can't seem to do anything right. When we do nothing but what we're told, we get lectures on how our superiors need our "valuable opinions and insight", but when we talk to our superiors about flaws we see in their oh-so-precious system, we get chewed out and punished. OK, we did what you told us to do, and now you're angry that we didn't say what you wanted to hear? Tough shit, maybe your system just sucks!!
And when we even try to defend ourselves, because we have the damn right to do so, we get called 'insubordinate'. Great, now it's insubordination to want to be fucking respected.
What really just eats my insides about all of this is the hypocrisy of it all. You are supposed to be helping us to make our shit honest and proud, but how the hell can we expect to do that when you would backstab your colleagues like it's nothing. And you say all this shittastic decision making is to better us as a whole, but really, can' you see that your actions are just fucking shit up? And then you have the balls to get angry at us for being angry at you. How does that even help? You can't cure anger by beating it into submission!
GAHHHHH.


Ugh. So that's basically how I'm feeling today.

Not the Zoo

Today was an adventure day with Cassi!
We were going to have a Zoo adventure!! But then my silly father refused to drive us to the Zoo, which absolutely broke my stone-cold heart, because although I will never love a man, I freaking love the Zoo. Sigh.
We went to Boulder instead, and there was a ridiculous art fair thing going on, so not only was it crowded as fuck, but there were tents every 2 feet, and walking around was kinda hard to do. There was a multitude of slow, old people with small children who didn't know where they were going, which annoyed me because I have very little tolerance for slow, old people with small children who don't know where they're going.
Never the less, I had fun. We had some pretty interesting moments, such as ones involving Jesus Cards. And a pidgeon.
<3

Jump?

My friend took this photo of me jumping when we were walking around her farm at night in our pjs. I really like it, and yeah I edited the colors a little, but just because the flash on her camera is ha-arshhhh.

Today, I read the book Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, which is wayyy different than the movie, but I love both, so whatever. The very last words of the book are
"Ready.
Set.
Jump."

Quoting time:

"We are our own destiny." --Mallorylisaaa

shit that's deep.

Work, Work, Work.

Honestly, 2 posts in one day? Within like, an hour of each other? Ok not really, but I need to stop.
Too bad I won't!! XD

Ok, so I guess I've been lying a little bit. (cue dramatic music, jk it's not that bad) I've been referring to what I consider work as my 'job'. Except 'job' implies payment. i don't get payed for what I do, it's purely volunteer based. But it is work, and although I don't get payed, I do consider it a job. So what is this volunteering/working shenanigans??
I am a member of the United States Civil Air Patrol, which is an Air Force volunteer auxilliary. It's a paramilitary organization, which means I'm not getting payed by the government to do what I do, nor do I tote guns around. However, the government pays for me to pilot planes (yes, real airplanes) on the weekends, and in return, whenever there's a natural disaster in my area, I help FEMA out by assisting with search and rescue operations.
Oh yeah, I'm an official badass!
But whenever there aren't flights to be flown and no one is in dire need of a rescue in the mountains, the other part of my 'job' comes into play. CAP is largely a cadet-oriented program, which means we youngsters run the show and the senior members get the credit :P There is a chain of command which I am a part of, and when it comes to rank, I am about mid-level within my squadron, so I have people working for me, but I also have people to work for.
Being a paramilitary program, we do have military ranking and titles (right now my official title is: Cadet Technical Seargant Julia Lastname, Second Element-Leader, Alpha Flight, VBC Squadron.... it's a mouthful), and do require testing and certain achievements in order to promote in rank, so that's what this morning was all about.

But having to explain Civil Air Patrol is really hard to do and is time-consuming, so I just refer to it as "work". It's like a part-time job though, I have two uniforms and everything lol. And just to prove how much of a ninja I am, behold! Pictures of me flying a Cesna 120 on my very first flight :) this pic is oldddd tho so pardon that nasty haircut.

Half an Hour

I am operating on 30 minutes of sleep right now. Not even kidding.
Last night, I was over at a friend's, and even though I knew I had to be up at 6 for a fitness test, I could not, for the life of me, fall asleep. I spent the next 3 hours staring out the window and listening to the ceiling fan. I really liked looking out the window, the view was gorgeous.
My friend lives on a farm (this is Hicktown, after all) so because of the lack of street and city lights, you can see about a bazillion stars on a clear night like last night. Even though half of the window was shrouded by tree, it was really beautiful to just be able to gaze at the sky like that. The gorgeous sky here in CO is definitely something I'm going to miss when I graduate and get out. On clear, cloudless days, you can look up and the sky is just blue and blue and blue and opaque and awesome. It's like being inside a marble. I love it!
Also, I really like the sound of a ceiling fan at night. The rythmic swish and occasional click are the best ambiant noise ever. I think that's the best soundtrack for thinking, which is basically all I could do last night.
Although it was really fucking frustrating to not be able to sleep, I did kind of like that it gave me time to just chill and think for a few hours. Sometimes my life seems so ridiculous, it's nice to have a few hours of chill time sometimes. Plus, I thought about a bunch of stuff that was bothering me. Mwb, Ex, cheer, my lack of art lately, this blog, the fact that I'm starting to like one of my friends but I don't know how she'd react if I told her. Just kind of everything, I don't know I feel really zen now.
btw, I totally owned my fitness test, so hopefully I can promote next week at work. I get shiny new insignia if I promote, and not only will I look like a badass, but I'll get to look like a badass at the airshow I'm working in August. I'm pretty pumped :)
Hah, this post was kinda all over the place, but whatever it's ok, I'm kinda all over the place too.

Little little things.

2 posts, one day. Seriously?
Gawd my day must've been boring.

It was. Believe me. The most interesting part of my day happened to be the last couple of hours, during which I have been texting several people at once. I AM STARVED FOR SOCIAL INTERACTION TODAY. I guess that's what happens when you wake up at 2 in the afternoon and everyone has already made plans for the day. Ughh.

But I guess my texting did yield several results:
1) Officially told Mwb to fuck off. It felt like I was breaking up with him or something, but considering the last time I broke up with him (last summer) we had a massive fight and he didn't talk to me for 6 months... I think this time went a little better, plus we weren't even dating in the first place.

2) Apparently one of my dearest gingers likes Asian women. Hah.

3) Another ginger, who is not quite so dear, in fact he's quite a douchebag (Cassi, this would be the one who drives the rape van and has a cute friend) was basically calling me a whore. And then I got into an insult war with a couple of his friends. And then he talked about music. This is basically the way our friendship works these days... we've gone from constantly flirting to just not talking to where we are now, which is talk-shit-because-we-both-just-like-to-fight-and-hang-out-but-only-when-stoned land. He's a true bud.

4) Loooong high conversation with a good buddy.

Yep. My day was basically absolute shit :) But that's ok, sometimes you need days to be absolutely boring, because odds are that the next day will be filled with amazing summer adventures. have I mentioned that I just love the month of July?

SOOOOO.
who likes cupcakes??

Trust Issues part II

Mwb: you never sent a picture ;)

Moi: oh silly me...
there's a reason for that, baby.

So, in a recent breakthrough involving Mwb, I'm basically over it. I can't trust him at all after all of this, and even though I'd love to see him even if it's just for physical indulgence, I'm simply not a whore like that and that is not what I'm looking for. He's gotten boring, and I don't want to be with a guy who treats his probably still current girlfriend like crap and would cheat like it's nothing. I can't trust him, and I don't want to end up being the girl he eventually cheats on because he just can't restrain himself. No. Fuck that.

So hopefully this'll be the last you hear of him for a while, because I'm kinda sick of talking about him.

And Cassi darling, congrats on your own liberation from douchebag land :)

I've just come to the conclusion that I need to break my pattern of going after oversensitive, over-horny guys, and just find one that is chill and slightly less horny.

pffft. Summer romances these days.

Trust issues.

last night, 11pm, texting.
Manwhoreboy: can i have a picture of you

Moi: nopers, and wasn't that your girlfriend at the showcase?

Mwb: yeah... so?
God i knew it! you should have told me.

Moi: you're taken and i'm not a ho like that, sorry

Mwb: ok honestly, she's unpredictable and she's either gonna end it soon or i am, and i do admit that i really like you


Moi: well that's cool, but i can't even consider liking you back until i know you're single.
Because I'm not a lying, cheating slut like that, and i refuse to be "the other woman".

Mwb: consider me single starting now, I'm gonna end things with her.
when dude? that could mean you're gonna dump her a year from now. when are you gonna stop trying to have every girl you see?

Moi: don't like... leave her for me.
because you're going to end up alone.

Mwb: but i like you.



God fucking dammit. I want to not like him. I want him to choose either his girlfriend or me, but please just stay with his girlfriend because I don't even know if I want to be with someone like that who would just throw away a relationship like it's nothing. But I can't deny that I want him to be mine, even though it's wrong. She had him first, so he should just stay with her.

and he should stop hitting on me and acting like we're already together. I can't deal with that.

I love..

Friends who write you stories
lamography
cupcakes
urban outfitters
hair dye
my ridiculous fingernails
raves
people with nice voices
Britain
watching bad horror movies
long kisses
abdominal muscles
being blonde
being blind
stickers
texting at 3 am
smoking the occasional cigarette
coffee ice cream
riding tigers
walking around in the rain
making "pshoooom" noises
monkey bread
Cassi's nose
walking through cemeteries
ranting sometimes
July

He has a girlfriend.
He has a girlfriend.
All this week, he'd been leading me on, because I guess he realized that I liked him again and I thought that he liked me again, but all the while he has a girlfriend.



are you kidding me?

Screaming "fuck" won't help.

So today was not a fantastical summer adventure like most of these days are. I woke up and realized that I had slept in my contacts, so I got to wear my glasses today, which felt wierd. Plus I didn't wear my usual shit-load of make-up, so I just kinda felt ugly when I realized I have 3 very obvious zits on my cheek. I hate feeling ugly.
In improv I gave my ex the most awkwardtastic hug EVAR. It was probably painful to watch... and probably invalidated all of the flirting that had gone on previously. To make matters worse, there's this girl that I know he's kinda tight with and every time he sees her they instantly are enthralled in this amazing conversation and for some reason this makes my insides twist. Her pretty eyes and giant boobs don't help.
Goddammit, I don't know which I should be more concerned about, the fact that he is flirting with another girl or the fact that I care. I mean, we did date, and we had a little "thing" back in March, and we've had some pretty deep conversations. The only thing we haven't done is kiss, and I don't know if I even want to try to do that now... ugh. After tomorrow, I probably won't see him for forever so what does it matter anyway?
And just to make my day fantastic, my phone got run-over. I was running across a highway and I dropped it, then by the time I had managed to go back and pick it up, the back was all mangled and the speaker was shot. The screen's pretty ok though, and I can still text, so I guess that's good. But being a little poor kid in Hicktown, I probably won't be getting a new one anytime soon.

Fuck my life today :P

Intestinal Squirrel

So. Improv. went ok, i guess. there is a multitude of 13 year olds who think they're the shit, which is rather obnoxious. And I saw the ex... He looks exactly the same except a tad taller and slightly cuter. And even though I wore far too much eyeliner today, I think I looked pretty damn good. So ha.

Anarchy Day

When I was in 7th grade, me and a few friends declared July 5th official Anarchy Day. We were all in that "fight the system" phase, and I initially came up with the idea just to piss off my neighbors (most of whom were ridonkulously conservative). But still, even 3 years later, I think of today as Anarchy Day. Maybe next year I'll throw a party or something.

Yesterday I did absolutely nothing celebratory, seeing as it was raining a lot and no one could hang out. On the 3rd, I went to 2 parties, which were hilariously fun. And today, I straightened my hair for the first time since I put pink in it, and I got my nails done, so I suppose as of today my transformation is complete.



So I'm hella nervous for tomorrow... I'm going to be starting an improvisational acting intensive, and I think that one of my exes and one of my old friends are going to be there. Plus, there's a possibility of meeting new guys, and making new friends :) But for the most part, I'm worried about what my ex will think of me, if he'll even be there, or if he'll even talk to me. I don't want this next 4 days to be the most awkward ones of my life. If he is there, I hope he at least thinks I'm still pretty.

Let's Pretend Marshall Mathers Never Picked Up A Pen

Jeez, I'm on a lyrics as titles kick today huh?
K that line was from Airplanes, but the version featuring Eminem (which is the best version in my opinion)
Hell, when I feel like shit all of a sudden and it's 2 am, and I've gotten to the point where I'm dreading something I'd been looking forward to for a month, and I'm alone and shit, I could really use a shooting star. Yeah, Hailey Williams, I could really use a wish right now too.

I don't even know what I'd wish for. I could wish for my ex back, or a brand new guy who's perfect for me, or a million bucks, or even just an exciting rest of the summer. I don't even think any of things I'd wish for would be worth it, and I know for a fact it'd be something I want, not something I need. But who wants to wish for something they need? Fuck it, right now all I need is big fat blunt packed tight with goooooood greens. It'd at least be something to do.


:PPP

Let's pretend I give a shit right now.

Hope It Gives You Hell

I'm in a good mood today. I'm humming the All American Rejects, hence the title. My dearest ginger Sami made me about a bazillion CDs and gave me them today. My life is complete!!

Except not. Cuz here's what missing: a guy.
My life has been so devoid of testosterone lately that at this point, I'm just looking for a new guy to talk to. I guess the fact that the only guy at dance camp was Lawrence, the choreographer :P

ok, to be honest as hell, life is kind of boring without a balance of people to talk to. I'm sick of chicks, I'm ready for a new guy, even if he's only ever a friend. Blahhh