Green Nails

I'm lost somewhere between wanting to cry and wanting to throw up. And yes, this is going to be one of those venty, long posts because I'm just in a soul-spilling mood right now.

Here's how it is: Yesterday was supposed to be so many things, but it wasn't. It was very different.
Yesterday, I went to Denver to hang out with Mwb, because even though he's a Mwb we're still buds. But I like him, and he likes me and we both know that, and since he's finally single, I guess yesterday was supposed to be a date. Instead, it was awkward as fuck, and when I thought we'd be having romantic moments, it was just awkward. We both know how much fucking potential there is for us, but for some reason we just can't utilize it.

After Denver, I went to my bud's house. Let's call her Blonde. We were hanging out with this girl, Brunette, who we had both been tight with in 2 years ago, and kind of got astranged from this year. But we've all grown up a little bit, so we're back to being buds again I guess. We baked awesome brownies and then we partied a little bit with some of Brunette's guy friends.
I won't lie, I got fucked up. I had 4 or 5 shots of Captain Morgan, then took a few hits off of a minibong and a pipe, plus I shared a cig with Brunette's boyfriend. I honestly thought I held my shit pretty well, I wasn't falling all over the place or makeing out with any of the people I was with, nor was I breaking stuff, hurting people, yelling, or being slutty in any way. That's stupid, and I never act that sloppy. But, since I'm a talkitive drunk and I was slurring my words and saying stupid shit, I guess that means I was a 'hot mess'. I can understand if I was annoying or something, but honestly, considering how intoxicated I was, I was on good behavior (so to speak).
But Blonde and Brunette kept shooting me these looks, so I just decided to text people, because I was starting to feel very uninvited. I talked to Mwb, and I asked him to be my boyfriend even though we both knew that was the alcohol speaking. He declined, thank God. We just talked about us and our non-relationship. I don't know what we are, friends but not fuck buddies, we like each other but don't love eachother.
Then this morning, we had all sobered up and didn't have hangovers, and we were just chilling until Blonde's mom could drive us home. Blonde and Brunette weren't mad at me for being drunk, but I feel like they lost respect for me because I got wasted. And then on the way home, they were texting each other the entire time and I just wanted to hide my face or turn invisible so I could disappear like they wanted.

Here comes the gut spill:
Blonde is my best friend, best best best friend, and it's been like that for a while. But now that Brunette is back in our lives, instead of us being 3 buds, I feel like Blonde is starting to replace me in her mind with Brunette. Of course, Blonde and I are still tight, but I feel like our entire friendship was just sort of filler. Like, I'm a temporary bud for her, and even though we've had some awesome times and have a ton of inside jokes, I'm old news, and Brunette is just a cooler person then me, because let's face it, she is, and since Blonde are Brunette fell right back into being how they used to after a year of hostile seperation, not only am I a little jealous but I feel like all of my memories with Blonde are being invalidated.
I'm losing my best friend, am getting replaced right before my very eyes, and it seems I'm being shut out of a potential threesome friendship because I guess Blonde only wants one super-close bud. I hate this feeling of being uninvited. What hurts like fuck is that Blonde doesn't even notice how much I'm getting twisted by this. She's ignorantly and serenely continueing on.
Blonde and I have never been clingy or emotionally heavy to eachother, so I guess I can't expect too much from her, and I know I'm just having a clingy-jealous-whatever freakout. Change is life, but this one suckssss. Because I know a way that this wouldn't suck, but it's not going down like that.
Because nothing goes down the way you expect it to. Nothing goes down how you want it to. You build up a situation in your mind because you can't help but predict the ending, but then God or whoever decides to make the world spin the other direction and there goes everything. It seemed like I was having fun, but underneath the fun there's all this bullshit that I don't want to have to deal with.

In the end I know why this is all bothering me far more then it should. I hate to lose, and in one day I've managed to lose any chance of fixing things with Mwb, respect from the people I partied with, a friendship that's been so huge in my life I wouldn't know what to do without it, and my confidence in any action I do. Because usually, when I'm being all bold and me-like, I do whatever and I do it with enough bravado to be able to pass it off as the right thing, always. Now I'm realizing, I'm not doing anything right.

Now that I know how that day went, I wish I could rewind it and start over and do it the right way. Kiss Mwb, drink one less shot, and be more of a person someone'd want to stay friends with.



ughhhhh.