Blessed Are The Forgetful.

Oh to be ignorant again.
I miss that feeling of kindergarten, before it mattered what people thought of you, and before you cared anyway. I miss not having a cell phone to constantly check or a facebook to obsess over. I miss not knowing that there are people dying half way around the world and I miss not understanding what guilt and selfishness are. I miss being able to cry every time I got angry or sad, and I miss being able to scream at the top of my lungs whenever I felt like I was going to explode. I miss not knowing about sex or drugs, and I miss the days before they were even relevant to my life. I miss the days when I knew what exactly what love meant and I knew exactly who deserved it. I miss knowing exactly when you did something wrong and not trying to even justify it, but just going to time-out to accept that you had lied or decieved or cheated or stolen. I miss most of all the constant happiness with life and its never-ending potential.

Sometimes I feel like it'd be better to just not know about anything rather than deal with knowing everything. No I don't mean I'm some super-genius-kiddo. But life was so much simpler before I realized my own abilities to learn about things I don't want to know about or to do things I know I shouldn't be doing or to hurt people deliberately but find some way to justify it. I think that evil is born of misplaced intelligence and unkempt maturity.

24 hours ago, I was elated and shocked at my own actions, and now here I am regretting them. I have this gnawing feeling that I've done wrong, and I know exactly what I did, and I realize the hippocrisy of it all. Worst of all I know what I can do to fix it. I know exactly what I can do to fix it. But life and all its little ironies won't let me walk away smiling after I do what I know I need to. Because even though what I should do is the right thing, I could end up losing more people when I'm already dealing with the loss of my best friend.

So now, 24 hours later, instead of being noble and shit and doing what I know would be the right thing, I'm sitting here obsessing over text messages and being greedy. I want to keep what I've worked for, not throw it away because it's hazardous. I know it's hazardous, but it's mine, and I've lost so much already this summer, I don't know if I could bear to lose more.
Oh to be ignorant again...


This kind of turned into a gut-spill... sorry about that :P