I was rejected from Columbia.

Looking at things critically, it's likely that I'll get rejected from Harvard and Stanford as well. If Harvard rejects me, it will break my heart into a million tiny pieces, but I think it'll be easier if I see it coming. Let's face it, I've never been good enough.

I just dreamed too big.
Looks like I'm going to school in Cleveland after all.

Next Time on 'General Hospital'

Lately, I've been having some medical issues. And by 'lately', I mean, since I was like, twelve. But lately lately, they've been fairly severe and I've been fairly immobilized at times.

Most recently, I've been dealing with a chronic condition. I am still in the process of diagnosing what is wrong with my specialist, but basically, I have a rogue ovary or something that is being kept under control by trigger point injections and painkillers.

Trigger point injections are intense. I get to have a three-inch needle jammed into my lower left stomach around 12-18 times injecting industrial-strength lidocaine, which is a numbing agent in the form of a gel. The procedure takes about fifteen minutes and happens once a month. Needless to say, it is very good that I am used to needles, because having lidocaine injections sucks beyond belief. As if the long, gauged needle wasn't enough, the injections themselves feel like I am having tiny balloons inflated underneath and in between the muscles of my stomach which pry my flesh apart. It's gnarly and I'm always super swollen and bruised afterwards, but it only has a two to three day recovery period, and then I am mostly pain free, so I am truly thankful that I have found a way to keep my rogue whatever under control. 

I received another round of shots on Monday, which was pretty routine, except for some reason, I am not recovering as quickly this time. My injection sites are still super painful and basic motor functions like walking, reaching, and even sitting up are pretty difficult to do without triggering shooting pain, which kind of defeats the purpose of the injections in the first place. I'm trying to wait it out so that my body can adjust to this latest round of injections and return to its usual shaky equilibrium by laying in bed and being fairly immobile for the past few days.

This is not an issue when it comes to school, because I am pretty good about getting my assignments in, even if they are a few days late, and because I have been absent so many times, my teachers are very aware of my medical shenanigans. So I miss classes and then do damage control, study from bed, and email in the really important stuff.

At work, in the past I have either been able to get people to cover me or have been fortunate enough to have my injections during off-days. Not this week. So, after my most brutal round of injections yet, I have had to work two shifts and am likely going to have to work another tomorrow.

This. Fucking. Sucks.
I completely understand that not everyone is available to cover me, even when I am in dire need of it, because people have personal lives and priorities and I can't just expect people to ignore their own stuff for me. I definitely understand the pragmatic need to have a minimum number of people working at the restaurant at one time in order for things to go smoothly. What annoys me is how, in a time of legitimate need, the cards are all falling against me.

I don't want to lose my job, but I feel that working my shifts is only exacerbating my medical problem. I have already tried calling in sick but was told to show up anyway. I have tried getting everyone and their fucking grandmother to cover me, but no one seems to be available or to be understanding that getting stabbed with a needle eighteen times in a row is more of a reason not to work than wanting to have a night out with their family.

I know it sounds completely selfish, but I feel like when I am in a time of need, absolutely no one has my back and my pain pills are only so effective.

I really just need time to rest. Not going to class isn't even worth it if I  end up having to go to work anyway. It's like I recover all day, then at night I undo all the healing that my body has done by having to carry things and reach for things and run back and forth in order to satisfy my superiors and our lazy, obese clientele.

I don't know what it will take to show everyone that I'm not just being dramatic and lackadaisical. I thought that being open about my monthly injections would garner a little bit of sympathy, or at least understanding, but apparently, it's going to take tubes running out of my arms and respirator for anyone to offer me a day off without me having to beg for it first.

My stomach is on fire and I have a closing shift tomorrow. As if that wasn't enough, other medical issues are beginning to surface and I'm starting to wonder if this is all worth literally killing myself for. My body is ripping itself apart because it can't handle all of the stress I have heaped upon myself by trying to please everyone.

I really, really need my income, and I truly enjoy my job, but at times like this, throwing my hands up and saying 'fuck it' has never been so tempting. I won't do that, obviously, and if I have to break my body further so that I can continue to eat, then so be it.

It just hurts.


Julia

Feeling like the Bottom of the Ocean

Buckle up for a long one, kids. I have a lot to say.

Let's start with the lovely things:
Competing at UC Berkeley for speech and debate was absolutely fantastic. For anyone who actually knows how the forensics thing works, I competed in DI (single entry, because let's face it, we weren't actually there to compete) and didn't make it to octafinals, though I did have some lovely rounds before eliminations began.

In all honesty, the competition was just one fun activity on a long list of activities that we did. It was fun to talk to and compete against people form all over the western side of the US, and super nice to see some new and innovative pieces, but none of us from my team were taking the competition seriously. We liked running around Berkeley (which is a city kind of like Boulder; I didn't know it was actually a city and not just a school until we got there >.< ) and San Francisco, eating great food and buying fun things.

I loved being in the bay area of California. The weather was consistently not inconsistent and the cities felt like places I'd want to live some day. The campus at Berkeley made me feel really excited about going to college. I kind of wish I had applied there...

However, I can now safely say that I have one college acceptance under my belt. For those of you who only know about my life through this blog, I have been accepted to Case-Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio. I only just found out this morning, but it's a relief to know that some place out-of-state wants me in their school.

My audition weekend thing there two weeks ago was great. It was essentially a group of 20 or so prospective students and current theater majors. We watched a play, saw an improv show, ate at an Italian bakery, and bonded like crazycakes. About half of the theater majors that were chaperoning us were in the various productions we saw.  The improv show was by far the highlight of my trip; Case's improv troupe is extremely talented and the show was in a black box theater, which are the best theaters.

There was a hot Korean student, a sassy black prospective whom I instantly became best friends with, a few awkward southern kids, a lot of local people, and one of my good friends who had gone to high school with me for my first three years. He and I had been in two productions together and were on the debate team together, so it was awesome to be able to hang out with him for a weekend.

I also ran into another former debate team member, but she has become slightly unhinged and has become a home-wrecking, alcoholic sorority girl. It's a shame, too, because she used to be quite sweet and innocent and very smart, but she played with boys too much and has not been responsible with her newly found collegiate freedom. Sigh.

The absolute best part was the faculty. The theater teachers and instructors were awesome to talk to and I felt like they really knew their stuff. We did a work shop with one of the main acting teachers which was really depthful and enlightening.

The visit to Case-Western was pleasant and very informative. I left with a bunch of new friends and a whole new outlook and insight on the reality of the student life that I will be living soon.

The only problem is that I really do not want to go to Case-Western.

The school has an okay-looking campus and a okay-acting population, but there is a huge Greek system in place, which is something that is kind of a deal-breaker for me when it comes to colleges. I don't have a problem with academic fraternities, but service and social frats really just annoy me, and it felt like every student I talked to was in some kind of frat, usually in multiple ones. I found every description of frat life to be uninspiring and I felt like the service frats were really just social frats that did two or three things a year to keep their service funding. I really do not want to go to a school with a social dynamic that functions completely based on superficial paradigms.

Another thing that I found unappealing was that the main stage for their theater program is smaller than the ones at both of my high schools! The theater where we saw the play sat maybe 50 people, and the theater at HHS sits almost 600. The black box theater was nice but equally tiny, and just from walking around the campus and staying in the dorms and such, I am thoroughly unimpressed. Honestly, if I am going to do any sort of performing, I prefer to have a substantial audience. I know it sounds horrifically superficial, but I feel like my work kind of goes to waste when there isn't a large amount of people to appreciate the final product.

I just don't think I could ever be passionate about living and learning there. Cleveland is wholly depressing, cold, and rainy. It was grey the entire weekend, which I normally don't mind, but I felt almost suffocated in the dark clouds that were constantly hanging low over the school. Case-Western, with its huge, sprawling campus lightens up an otherwise dreary and decrepit city. I just didn't like it; there was no internal spark, no "Oh my God, I love this place" moment like I had felt on the Cal Berkeley campus.

And that sucks, a lot, because what if I don't get accepted anywhere else? I will go to Case-Western if I truly have to, because I need a college education and I need to get out of Colorado for a while, but I have this feeling that going to Case-Western won't make me any happier about learning than I am right now, and right now I am a depressed, fed up, burnt out mess. I don't know if I can handle four more years of being uninspired about my education.

At this point, I am just hoping that some other school--just one of the Ivies--accepts me. I am not taking my Colorado State University seriously at all, especially now that I know I can at least go SOMEWHERE else, which leaves my happiness and fate in the hands of the admissions boards at Stanford (not an Ivy, but close enough), Harvard, and Columbia.

To be frank, if I get lucky and either Harvard or Columbia accepts me (it is highly unlikely that I will go two for two with the Ivy league) I will likely confirm my admission on the spot. It is my dream to go to school on the east coast at a harrowed institution. I just want to be surrounded by intense knowledge and passion and competition so badly because there is so little of that here in Hicktown, USA.

There is also my whole driver's license situation, which is currently in limbo, and I have no idea what to think about it. I do not like being in limbo, and I feel as though many of the important aspects of my life are in limbo right now. It is making me uncomfortable.

I am a personal with a highly internalized locus of personal control! I do not like being told to sit and wait for my life to work itself out. I am not a "what happens, happens" type of person; I MAKE things happen for myself. Being forced into a position where there control of major things in my life is out of my hands is really making me unhappy and on-edge, and I can't stop being anxious until I get definitive information telling me what my options are.

Yuck.

How's your life these days?

Julia

PS: My posts will lighten up once it's closer to summer, I promise. This stress train has to stop somewhere....