I have been working my ass off all afternoon slaving away over my sewing machine making a Sasuke (Naruto Shippuden version) costume for Anime Expo. I am doing a gender-bent version of evil Sasuke, which I was planning on using his regular costume for, and then adding a few female elements. Apparently, being feminine is not enough, and according to several people that I have talked to, if I want to get any kind of attention at all, then I am going to half to cut my carefully crafted costume into a bra and some booty shorts.
Don't get me wrong, I own the slut thing and I know how great it is as a tool for attention, HOWEVER: this is Anime Expo. Jessica Nigri, Yaya Han, and Meg Turney will be there, among every other hot, famous female cosplayer in America. It would be infantile to aim to be the center of attention at a con that size with a guest list that titillating.
I was going to use Anime Expo as a chance to show that I can do really awesome cosplay costumes without having to pull the slut card all the time. I mean, it's fun to be promiscuous, but I feel like I'll get more recognition at a huge con for having a well-made, intriguing costume, because I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone and their grandmother are going to be running around in itty-bitty costumes. I only dress like a slut when I know I'll be a minority, but I just don't see the point for something like Anime Expo.
I am honestly a little offended. It's really nice to hear that I have to show bare skin in order to be considered pretty or worth while. I understand that sex sells and dressing up to show off is going to grab a few second glances, but there's more to me than that...
Now I feel like all of my hard work, designing, and conceptualizing are completely undermined and I should just trash it all and slutify everything. It's not like I was planning on actually wearing an accurate costume for once, or that I wanted to be complimented for something other than "looking so hot" by a nerdy boy. God damn. Fuck it, where's my bombshell bra?
Julia
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Imbalance in the Universe
Quick life update before I start trying to get deep and thoughtful:
My job at the tanning salon is turning around, and I am apparently much better at it than I thought. I'm still looking for other jobs, but right now I know that I can rely on the tanning job for at least a bit of an income until I find something else. Also, I'm starting to prepare for Electric Forest and Anime Expo. For Electric, all I really need to do is set some money aside. For Anime Expo, I am sewing two of my own costumes and hoping all the elements that I ordered make it to me on time and intact. Aside from that, life is starting to fall into a groove again, which is nice.
So.
In preparation for both of these events, Technicolor Boy has been freaking out about things being unprepared and things not getting here on time and this and that, and I keep offering financial help, and he keeps refusing. It's getting to the point now where if I don't step in and do some executive fixing of things despite his refusal, I may end up getting screwed along with him. I'm half way tempted to just override his preparations and prepare completely on my own, for the both of us. I am only thinking about this because he continually refuses any help I offer and accepts only the help he asks for.
Needless to say, this is incredibly frustrating. I feel that his behavior is unmitigated and selfish, however, very human and justifiable. I see this same pattern in many other people, including myself, and it makes me think: to help or not to help? To be a good person or not to be a good person? To be controlling and make sure things happen, or to leave control to others and watch things fall apart?
I've always had a problem with thinking interpersonally, namely because I'm so used to being surrounded by idiots that it's instinctive for me to want to do everything myself just to ensure that it gets done. However, everyone that I deal with on a daily basis is my age or older and I can't just treat them like children because that's terribly disrespectful, so I find myself stepping back and letting people do things their way, only for their way of doing things to be proven unsuccessful, even catastrophic at times.
I am at a loss as to where to find the balance in my personal universe.
When do I step in? Do I need to save the day, or is it more valuable to let people learn from a mistake? When do I cut my losses and let shit hit the fan? What if another person's shortcomings affect me? What do I fucking do?
I am in no way implying that I am some faultless expert at life, because I am definitely one of the most headstrong, stubborn, I-can-do-it-myself-back-the-fuck-off people ever. But I try to be helpful to others, especially when they are obviously struggling. When it comes to simple things that I could easily fix, I don't when to fix things and when to just let them be broken. Ugh.
My problem is that I am not a gambler. It is very hard for me to take a chance on anything, especially other people, because I like to take actions only when I can be sure of the outcome. I know that I need to give more credit to the people around me, but I feel like every time I put my full faith into someone else, they choose that time to prove my assumptions of their capabilities incorrect and totally don't deliver.
Conversely, I find often that when I take control of a situation in spite of others being there, it breeds resentment because I end up finding out later that my stepping in was unnecessary. I just don't know what to do.
I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly, but I don't want everyone to hate me for being obnoxious and micromanaging. I cannot find the balance I seek, and I fear that it will have dire consequences if I don't start balancing shit out really soon. The bottom line is, I have a week until the two biggest events of my summer, and I am prepared, but my boyfriend is not. We have one week to get his shit together, or else I will end up screwed right along with him.
How far do I let things crumble before I make a command decision and just take over?
Julia
My job at the tanning salon is turning around, and I am apparently much better at it than I thought. I'm still looking for other jobs, but right now I know that I can rely on the tanning job for at least a bit of an income until I find something else. Also, I'm starting to prepare for Electric Forest and Anime Expo. For Electric, all I really need to do is set some money aside. For Anime Expo, I am sewing two of my own costumes and hoping all the elements that I ordered make it to me on time and intact. Aside from that, life is starting to fall into a groove again, which is nice.
So.
In preparation for both of these events, Technicolor Boy has been freaking out about things being unprepared and things not getting here on time and this and that, and I keep offering financial help, and he keeps refusing. It's getting to the point now where if I don't step in and do some executive fixing of things despite his refusal, I may end up getting screwed along with him. I'm half way tempted to just override his preparations and prepare completely on my own, for the both of us. I am only thinking about this because he continually refuses any help I offer and accepts only the help he asks for.
Needless to say, this is incredibly frustrating. I feel that his behavior is unmitigated and selfish, however, very human and justifiable. I see this same pattern in many other people, including myself, and it makes me think: to help or not to help? To be a good person or not to be a good person? To be controlling and make sure things happen, or to leave control to others and watch things fall apart?
I've always had a problem with thinking interpersonally, namely because I'm so used to being surrounded by idiots that it's instinctive for me to want to do everything myself just to ensure that it gets done. However, everyone that I deal with on a daily basis is my age or older and I can't just treat them like children because that's terribly disrespectful, so I find myself stepping back and letting people do things their way, only for their way of doing things to be proven unsuccessful, even catastrophic at times.
I am at a loss as to where to find the balance in my personal universe.
When do I step in? Do I need to save the day, or is it more valuable to let people learn from a mistake? When do I cut my losses and let shit hit the fan? What if another person's shortcomings affect me? What do I fucking do?
I am in no way implying that I am some faultless expert at life, because I am definitely one of the most headstrong, stubborn, I-can-do-it-myself-back-the-fuck-off people ever. But I try to be helpful to others, especially when they are obviously struggling. When it comes to simple things that I could easily fix, I don't when to fix things and when to just let them be broken. Ugh.
My problem is that I am not a gambler. It is very hard for me to take a chance on anything, especially other people, because I like to take actions only when I can be sure of the outcome. I know that I need to give more credit to the people around me, but I feel like every time I put my full faith into someone else, they choose that time to prove my assumptions of their capabilities incorrect and totally don't deliver.
Conversely, I find often that when I take control of a situation in spite of others being there, it breeds resentment because I end up finding out later that my stepping in was unnecessary. I just don't know what to do.
I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly, but I don't want everyone to hate me for being obnoxious and micromanaging. I cannot find the balance I seek, and I fear that it will have dire consequences if I don't start balancing shit out really soon. The bottom line is, I have a week until the two biggest events of my summer, and I am prepared, but my boyfriend is not. We have one week to get his shit together, or else I will end up screwed right along with him.
How far do I let things crumble before I make a command decision and just take over?
Julia
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Excuse Me?
This tanning salon job is getting ridiculous. I have to have my hair and make up done every day just to be deemed acceptable. I have to be tan, but apparently, bed tanning isn't enough, so my manager made me do a cocktail, which is where you tan in a high pressure bed (strong UVA light, lower UVB, delivers color into the deeper part of the skin) and then go straight into a spray tan
Not only that, but I got reprimanded yesterday for not having my nails done.
I am now orange and have a gaudy manicure.
The sales part of this is fun. The numbers and money and all that is fun. My coworkers (not management) are fun.
The extra bullshit, such as getting 20 leads a day, getting called onto shifts constantly despite having shit to do, and having to tan constantly? NOT FUCKING OKAY.
This job is great money and experience, but I honestly hate it. I am adequate, but I don't feel passionate and I dread picking up my phone whenever a manager calls me. I need the money, but I'm so stressed now that my ulcer, which hasn't given me any problems since before graduation, is acting up again. I need the money, but the stress is what I was trying to avoid.
Advice please?
Julia
Not only that, but I got reprimanded yesterday for not having my nails done.
I am now orange and have a gaudy manicure.
The sales part of this is fun. The numbers and money and all that is fun. My coworkers (not management) are fun.
The extra bullshit, such as getting 20 leads a day, getting called onto shifts constantly despite having shit to do, and having to tan constantly? NOT FUCKING OKAY.
This job is great money and experience, but I honestly hate it. I am adequate, but I don't feel passionate and I dread picking up my phone whenever a manager calls me. I need the money, but I'm so stressed now that my ulcer, which hasn't given me any problems since before graduation, is acting up again. I need the money, but the stress is what I was trying to avoid.
Advice please?
Julia
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Comic Con and Tanning
SO. Big few days lately.
This past weekend was Denver Motherfucking Comic Con! It was glorious! Absolute nerd heaven. I even got to stare at George Takei, whose gay babies I would love to have, from like twenty feet away and just drooled over his amazing witty Asian gayness. I love him.
Of course, I cosplayed. I chose to do X-23 from the X-men, who is a female clone of Wolverine. Basically she was engineered to have the same ademantium coated bones and claws, though she only has two claws that sprout from the knuckles of each hand, the other two come out of each foot. She also was made to not have a conscience so that she would be a more effective assassin. She is supposed to be about fourteen, scarily skinny, and super pale due to her lack of socialization/freedom/time in sunlight.
Here are a few pictures. One is with a few dudes who were decked out in "tactical assault" gear, but were really just airsoft players who took the whole camo thing really seriously. They were nice guys. The other picture is of me with my boyfriend, who was dressed up as Gambit, also from the X-men. X-23 and Gambit fought together on the X-Force team, which had its own subseries. Just Google X-23.
Anyway, pictures. I don't know how big Blogger will make these, but you can always click to expand:
I made a bunch of new cosplay buddies due to being semi-scantily clad and having an accurate costume. I ended up getting stuck in a lot of places because people would just surround me, or me and a buddy, or me and a group of people, and take billions of photos. I honestly couldn't make it more than twenty feet at a time without someone stopping me for a picture. It was a little ridiculous, honestly.
The entire weekend was a huge confidence boost. It was enormously flattering to have people photographing me all weekend and to know that I had the most accurate and well-made costume. There were a few other girls who did X-23 as well, but they all either had shittily-done costumes or just had the wrong body type. This one girl, who is used to dominating cons because she has amazing costumes, did X-23 on Sunday and actually fleed and hid in the exhibition hall after I ran into her. I am usually in awe of the work she does because she has infintiely more sewing talent than I, but her costume just didn't measure up to mine. I felt bad for stealing her thunder, but one simply cannot be tall, curvy, tan, have tiny tinfoil claws, and pull off an X-23. It just doesn't look convincing and was an iffy choice on her part.
The convention was an awesome break from working and having to hide my nerdiness. I now get to return to the real world and conceal my geeky hobbies and such.
I spent the entirety of last week doing hardcore corporate training for my new job, which is at a fancy-ish tanning salon. It's a little insane. I can be superficial at times, for sure, but making a career out of it is like a whole new level of aesthetic obsession. I now have to wear gobs of make up to work and straighten my hair constantly, along with always having to have my nails done, and of course, I have to be tan in order to fit in.
Not that conformity has always been a priority, but I'm in sales, and in order to sell products, I have to use (or at least look like I use) what I'm selling.
I am not a tanner. I have always been flourescently pale and have loved rocking my porcelain complexion, but now, in order to make decent money, I have to sacrifice my skin. I have an newly-developed expertise regarding UV tanning, UV-free tanning, and tanning products, but in order to truly be convincing, I really have to be tan so that I can provide a goal/example to every new customer. It's all business, I suppose.
So, today, I lay in a tanning bed for the first time in my life. It was absolutely terrifying. It was horrendously bright, even with my eye protector thingies on and with my eyes squeezed shut the whole time. It was hot and I could feel my skin absorbing the UV lights, even though I figured out how to get the bed fans going, and I really just couldn't find a way to relax. It was truly scary, lying naked in a lit-up bed feeling like I was getting baked alive into some Hannibal-style human cupcake.
I don't even know if the excruciating seven minutes in the highest pressure bed in the salon was worth it. I don't look very dark, just freckled all to fuck. I feel like a toasted marshmallow.
I suppose bed tanning is not for everyone, but I'm going to try it once or twice more this week before I swear off of it forever. I'm going to give lower pressure beds a chance because I know that I'll need a base tan before I go to that outdoor music festival at the end of June to avoid lobster burns. As it stands, I'll probably just stick to spray tanning 90% of the time anyway, because I don't want to have permanently screwed-up skin, and I'm already a prime candidate for cancer after two benign tumors.
I just wish I could leave my skin alone AND still be okay. I feel like bed tanning once or twice a month will probably be an okay compromise. I can still build a believable color with spray tans and keep myself from looking too Snookified by DHA tanners by bed tanning every so often.
Sigh. I want to be pretty and I want to be financially secure, I just don't want to be tan. Oh well, girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do and the opportunities for advancement with this tanning company are too amazing to pass up, not to mention this is a sales position where I can sell things that I would actually buy. I feel like with this job, I can still maintain a basic level of integrity and actually be proud of my work.
Upcoming plans: rave in a few weeks, Electric Forest music festival in Michigan, Anime Expo Convention in LA, and a possible trip to Rochester (ugggghhhhh noooooo) to see family.
Hope your summers have all been blissful so far!
Julia
This past weekend was Denver Motherfucking Comic Con! It was glorious! Absolute nerd heaven. I even got to stare at George Takei, whose gay babies I would love to have, from like twenty feet away and just drooled over his amazing witty Asian gayness. I love him.
Of course, I cosplayed. I chose to do X-23 from the X-men, who is a female clone of Wolverine. Basically she was engineered to have the same ademantium coated bones and claws, though she only has two claws that sprout from the knuckles of each hand, the other two come out of each foot. She also was made to not have a conscience so that she would be a more effective assassin. She is supposed to be about fourteen, scarily skinny, and super pale due to her lack of socialization/freedom/time in sunlight.
Here are a few pictures. One is with a few dudes who were decked out in "tactical assault" gear, but were really just airsoft players who took the whole camo thing really seriously. They were nice guys. The other picture is of me with my boyfriend, who was dressed up as Gambit, also from the X-men. X-23 and Gambit fought together on the X-Force team, which had its own subseries. Just Google X-23.
Anyway, pictures. I don't know how big Blogger will make these, but you can always click to expand:
I made a bunch of new cosplay buddies due to being semi-scantily clad and having an accurate costume. I ended up getting stuck in a lot of places because people would just surround me, or me and a buddy, or me and a group of people, and take billions of photos. I honestly couldn't make it more than twenty feet at a time without someone stopping me for a picture. It was a little ridiculous, honestly.
The entire weekend was a huge confidence boost. It was enormously flattering to have people photographing me all weekend and to know that I had the most accurate and well-made costume. There were a few other girls who did X-23 as well, but they all either had shittily-done costumes or just had the wrong body type. This one girl, who is used to dominating cons because she has amazing costumes, did X-23 on Sunday and actually fleed and hid in the exhibition hall after I ran into her. I am usually in awe of the work she does because she has infintiely more sewing talent than I, but her costume just didn't measure up to mine. I felt bad for stealing her thunder, but one simply cannot be tall, curvy, tan, have tiny tinfoil claws, and pull off an X-23. It just doesn't look convincing and was an iffy choice on her part.
The convention was an awesome break from working and having to hide my nerdiness. I now get to return to the real world and conceal my geeky hobbies and such.
I spent the entirety of last week doing hardcore corporate training for my new job, which is at a fancy-ish tanning salon. It's a little insane. I can be superficial at times, for sure, but making a career out of it is like a whole new level of aesthetic obsession. I now have to wear gobs of make up to work and straighten my hair constantly, along with always having to have my nails done, and of course, I have to be tan in order to fit in.
Not that conformity has always been a priority, but I'm in sales, and in order to sell products, I have to use (or at least look like I use) what I'm selling.
I am not a tanner. I have always been flourescently pale and have loved rocking my porcelain complexion, but now, in order to make decent money, I have to sacrifice my skin. I have an newly-developed expertise regarding UV tanning, UV-free tanning, and tanning products, but in order to truly be convincing, I really have to be tan so that I can provide a goal/example to every new customer. It's all business, I suppose.
So, today, I lay in a tanning bed for the first time in my life. It was absolutely terrifying. It was horrendously bright, even with my eye protector thingies on and with my eyes squeezed shut the whole time. It was hot and I could feel my skin absorbing the UV lights, even though I figured out how to get the bed fans going, and I really just couldn't find a way to relax. It was truly scary, lying naked in a lit-up bed feeling like I was getting baked alive into some Hannibal-style human cupcake.
I don't even know if the excruciating seven minutes in the highest pressure bed in the salon was worth it. I don't look very dark, just freckled all to fuck. I feel like a toasted marshmallow.
I suppose bed tanning is not for everyone, but I'm going to try it once or twice more this week before I swear off of it forever. I'm going to give lower pressure beds a chance because I know that I'll need a base tan before I go to that outdoor music festival at the end of June to avoid lobster burns. As it stands, I'll probably just stick to spray tanning 90% of the time anyway, because I don't want to have permanently screwed-up skin, and I'm already a prime candidate for cancer after two benign tumors.
I just wish I could leave my skin alone AND still be okay. I feel like bed tanning once or twice a month will probably be an okay compromise. I can still build a believable color with spray tans and keep myself from looking too Snookified by DHA tanners by bed tanning every so often.
Sigh. I want to be pretty and I want to be financially secure, I just don't want to be tan. Oh well, girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do and the opportunities for advancement with this tanning company are too amazing to pass up, not to mention this is a sales position where I can sell things that I would actually buy. I feel like with this job, I can still maintain a basic level of integrity and actually be proud of my work.
Upcoming plans: rave in a few weeks, Electric Forest music festival in Michigan, Anime Expo Convention in LA, and a possible trip to Rochester (ugggghhhhh noooooo) to see family.
Hope your summers have all been blissful so far!
Julia
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