Feeling like the Bottom of the Ocean

Buckle up for a long one, kids. I have a lot to say.

Let's start with the lovely things:
Competing at UC Berkeley for speech and debate was absolutely fantastic. For anyone who actually knows how the forensics thing works, I competed in DI (single entry, because let's face it, we weren't actually there to compete) and didn't make it to octafinals, though I did have some lovely rounds before eliminations began.

In all honesty, the competition was just one fun activity on a long list of activities that we did. It was fun to talk to and compete against people form all over the western side of the US, and super nice to see some new and innovative pieces, but none of us from my team were taking the competition seriously. We liked running around Berkeley (which is a city kind of like Boulder; I didn't know it was actually a city and not just a school until we got there >.< ) and San Francisco, eating great food and buying fun things.

I loved being in the bay area of California. The weather was consistently not inconsistent and the cities felt like places I'd want to live some day. The campus at Berkeley made me feel really excited about going to college. I kind of wish I had applied there...

However, I can now safely say that I have one college acceptance under my belt. For those of you who only know about my life through this blog, I have been accepted to Case-Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio. I only just found out this morning, but it's a relief to know that some place out-of-state wants me in their school.

My audition weekend thing there two weeks ago was great. It was essentially a group of 20 or so prospective students and current theater majors. We watched a play, saw an improv show, ate at an Italian bakery, and bonded like crazycakes. About half of the theater majors that were chaperoning us were in the various productions we saw.  The improv show was by far the highlight of my trip; Case's improv troupe is extremely talented and the show was in a black box theater, which are the best theaters.

There was a hot Korean student, a sassy black prospective whom I instantly became best friends with, a few awkward southern kids, a lot of local people, and one of my good friends who had gone to high school with me for my first three years. He and I had been in two productions together and were on the debate team together, so it was awesome to be able to hang out with him for a weekend.

I also ran into another former debate team member, but she has become slightly unhinged and has become a home-wrecking, alcoholic sorority girl. It's a shame, too, because she used to be quite sweet and innocent and very smart, but she played with boys too much and has not been responsible with her newly found collegiate freedom. Sigh.

The absolute best part was the faculty. The theater teachers and instructors were awesome to talk to and I felt like they really knew their stuff. We did a work shop with one of the main acting teachers which was really depthful and enlightening.

The visit to Case-Western was pleasant and very informative. I left with a bunch of new friends and a whole new outlook and insight on the reality of the student life that I will be living soon.

The only problem is that I really do not want to go to Case-Western.

The school has an okay-looking campus and a okay-acting population, but there is a huge Greek system in place, which is something that is kind of a deal-breaker for me when it comes to colleges. I don't have a problem with academic fraternities, but service and social frats really just annoy me, and it felt like every student I talked to was in some kind of frat, usually in multiple ones. I found every description of frat life to be uninspiring and I felt like the service frats were really just social frats that did two or three things a year to keep their service funding. I really do not want to go to a school with a social dynamic that functions completely based on superficial paradigms.

Another thing that I found unappealing was that the main stage for their theater program is smaller than the ones at both of my high schools! The theater where we saw the play sat maybe 50 people, and the theater at HHS sits almost 600. The black box theater was nice but equally tiny, and just from walking around the campus and staying in the dorms and such, I am thoroughly unimpressed. Honestly, if I am going to do any sort of performing, I prefer to have a substantial audience. I know it sounds horrifically superficial, but I feel like my work kind of goes to waste when there isn't a large amount of people to appreciate the final product.

I just don't think I could ever be passionate about living and learning there. Cleveland is wholly depressing, cold, and rainy. It was grey the entire weekend, which I normally don't mind, but I felt almost suffocated in the dark clouds that were constantly hanging low over the school. Case-Western, with its huge, sprawling campus lightens up an otherwise dreary and decrepit city. I just didn't like it; there was no internal spark, no "Oh my God, I love this place" moment like I had felt on the Cal Berkeley campus.

And that sucks, a lot, because what if I don't get accepted anywhere else? I will go to Case-Western if I truly have to, because I need a college education and I need to get out of Colorado for a while, but I have this feeling that going to Case-Western won't make me any happier about learning than I am right now, and right now I am a depressed, fed up, burnt out mess. I don't know if I can handle four more years of being uninspired about my education.

At this point, I am just hoping that some other school--just one of the Ivies--accepts me. I am not taking my Colorado State University seriously at all, especially now that I know I can at least go SOMEWHERE else, which leaves my happiness and fate in the hands of the admissions boards at Stanford (not an Ivy, but close enough), Harvard, and Columbia.

To be frank, if I get lucky and either Harvard or Columbia accepts me (it is highly unlikely that I will go two for two with the Ivy league) I will likely confirm my admission on the spot. It is my dream to go to school on the east coast at a harrowed institution. I just want to be surrounded by intense knowledge and passion and competition so badly because there is so little of that here in Hicktown, USA.

There is also my whole driver's license situation, which is currently in limbo, and I have no idea what to think about it. I do not like being in limbo, and I feel as though many of the important aspects of my life are in limbo right now. It is making me uncomfortable.

I am a personal with a highly internalized locus of personal control! I do not like being told to sit and wait for my life to work itself out. I am not a "what happens, happens" type of person; I MAKE things happen for myself. Being forced into a position where there control of major things in my life is out of my hands is really making me unhappy and on-edge, and I can't stop being anxious until I get definitive information telling me what my options are.

Yuck.

How's your life these days?

Julia

PS: My posts will lighten up once it's closer to summer, I promise. This stress train has to stop somewhere....