Relieved to See the Sun

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Things do get better. I know this because I finally crawled out of the academic stress tunnel on my hands and knees, covered in blood and pencil shavings, and crept into the warmth and light of high school graduate-ness.

I pulled my shit mostly together and have managed to survive high school, though my final grades and GPA have not yet been posted, I know it will not be my strongest year yet. I have Cs in both of my math classes and choir. I think I've kept my GPA above a 3.0, but it will not be pretty. I somehow don't care that much. I also managed to survive my three AP tests, although I am about 99.89% sure that I got a 1 on the Stats test because that class was like, the bane of my existence.

I am just so burnt out on academia. I used to care so much, but now I can barely bring myself to give a fuck. My priorities are changing. I no longer care about getting into an Ivy League school. I care mostly about working and saving money right now. I have been incredibly disenchanted by the idea of an illustrious education. I still want to go far and change the world, but I need to give myself time to rethink the actual battle plan and to make more realistic expectations for myself. Entering the military is looking like a pretty solid option as well, though I really want to do paramilitary intelligence, like CIA-ish.

Aside from my bad academic performance this year, I think that my fall from grace has finally ended. I am no longer being stressed out all to hell by balancing school, work, and my sometimes idiotic boyfriend. I now get to stay in one city most of the time and I plan to work and relax for the duration of the summer. I will start getting serious again more towards September, but for now, I refuse to think about anything school- or future-related.

Also, health-wise, I can feel my body beginning to repair itself now that I am not beating it to death every day. I am having fewer and fewer issues and flare-ups. I really think that it was the stress. Most people get headaches or nausea from stress, but I managed to give myself a bleeding gastric ulcer and a benign tumor because of all of the pressure that I put myself under.

I have begun doing yoga at a fancy studio, which is lovely because I think that yoga is the new love of my life. I like that it is an actual work out (which I definitely underestimated the first time I went, and promptly got my ass kicked in the class). I love hot yoga and candle light classes. It's a good way to relax and actually think positively about myself.


I have also just gotten hired at three places, which means I will have to choose one to turn down, but I will have a heightened income for the summer, which is good. I just want to be able to be as financially independent as possible and to be able to save a significant amount of money. I really need a newer car and I'd like to be secure enough to be able to put a down-payment on a new house/appartment/whatever.

I have fun stuff planned out for the summer, too! I am going to conventions (because I have been converted into a cosplayer, pics to come) and a music festival or two. I'm really excited to travel to LA and go to a major con and be able to meet all the indie-famous cosplayers and obscure actors that I enjoy obsessing over. The nerd in me prevails!

The best part of not having school for the foreseeable future is that I can start reading again. Like, reading books, but not  for a grade. I have a list of classics that I want to delve into along with a few philosopher's that I'd like to explore. Of course, I will be rereading some of my favorites, like Shakespeare, Nietzsche, and Dickens (I discovered that I fucking love Charles Dickens in AP Lit) So that should keep my IQ from dropping too terribly in the absence of school.

Looking back on this year, I fucked up a lot of things for myself by aiming too high and trying to do too much. I put myself in a really bad, dark, destructive place and ended up damaging myself and my future because of all of it. I still have an okay, possibly even above average foundation to stand on for reapplying to colleges later on, but I definitely damaged my own image by trying to care about too many things at once and then not being able to care about anything this year.

This summer is going to be about repairing myself and doing damage control on all of the relationships that I broke, ended, or severely marred this year. I can now focus on fixing things and being positive in the aftermath of my catastrophic stress behavior. In the fall, I am going to look at taking community college courses, getting back into volunteering and outreach programs, and rebuilding my road to a good future.

As for right now, I aim to live in the present, FOR ONCE.  I will live for myself and do the things that make me happy in order to find balance and serenity in my life :) my only priorities right now are reading, yoga, and working at better jobs.


Also, I think I'll be able to blog more, if anyone even still reads this thing.....



Julia