Yesterday was a lovely day, sunny and warm for the first time in basically forever, so I went to the farmer's market in Boulder, where I got a tomato and some really yummy Vietnamese food with Now. We walked around the pretty part of Boulder and I thought everything was fine. And then it wasn't.
All of a sudden he's yelling and I won't look at him and I'm struggling to stayed composed and calm, because I can't let him see how angry I am. And we're still walking, and he's going on and on about the evils of my drinking and drug use and how he thinks that it's immature and he just doesn't understand how someone like me could enjoy getting fucked up and that he's only saying all this because he cares. He tells me that it makes it hard for him to love me when he knows I'm doing self-destructive things and calling them fun. He calls me an immature little girl who doesn't know what she is doing, etc, and this continues for a good forty minutes. And then, honestly just to get him to shut up, I stop, stare at him, and tell him I'll stop drinking. He then continues to yell at me. I say again and again that I love him, and I'll stop, and what more does he want, and I love him enough to stop, and that I didn't know my telling stories about doing drugs bothered him that much because when I asked him if it did he said No. I tell him I'm sorry. I don't look at him.
Then I leave.
I left because if I had stayed, I would have unleashed a torrent of extremely loud, mean statements that would have just mad the fight worse. When as angry as I was, I say things that are vicious and even though he really deserved it, it wouldn't have helped anything. So I put my massive amounts of self-dicipline to work and held it in, in the name of a shakey peace between us.
Later I hung ot with Lily, who is my rant buddy, and we walked around Hicktown and she listened as I said every single thing that I didn't say to Now. It all essentially boiled down to:
A) Fuck you, you have absolutely no right to judge me because you cannot even begin to comprehend the actual situations I am put into.
B) No, I don't love you that much, and no, I will not stop, because honestly it's insulting that you would think that I would ever become a complete addict. I may talk casually about using, but I am not that stupid.
C) I do NOT need a lecture on self-worth from Mr. Insecurity himself. I don't drink because it helps my self-esteem, I drink because it's fun and I can do it responsibly.
and
D) The saddest part of all this is that we have been dating for about four months now and you still don't know me.
I'm going to level with you, few and foreign followers, I mean let's be honest; I exagerate my partying a lot. I embellish my stories when I tell them and I maintain an air of casualness because if I make a big deal about using, then I lose respect from those around me. No, I may not be surrounded by the best of people, but I love them, and compared to them, I am Mother Theresa.
let's just clear up this little misconception that I constantly lead people to believe:
I DON'T PARTY ALL THE TIME.
I, unlike my friends, do NOT smoke every day, do NOT get wasted 3 nights in a row every weekend, do NOT sleep around, and do NOT use hardcore drugs, like extasy, regularly.
I hardly ever smoke weed, and I get drink maybe once every other weekend. When I do, it's never by myself, for myself, it is ALWAYS a purely social act. I do not turn to alcohol for emotional reasons, ever, because I know what would happen if I did.
Yes, I have tried extasy, acid, and cocaine.
Over a year ago.
One time.
Each.
I AM A TEENAGED HUMAN BEING. Doing stupid shit occasionally is what this time is for.
I know, I know, I've sort of dug my own grave with this one, but Now is the only person I've ever met who doesn't approve of me. Being able to relate to drug use and other illegitmate forms of fun is my tactic for finding common ground when talking to people. I can reel it in when I need to, but with 99% of people my age, being known as sort of a delinquent is more of a social plus then a negative thing.
It's really frustrating, and I don't know how to tell all this to Now in a more polite and consise way, because I'd rather not lie to him constantly and tell him I'm not getting drunk when I am. And I really do love him, but I don't think that it's fair for him to completely judge me and try to make me stop doing something that makes my happy simply because he doesn't approve. He only knows me sober anyway, and my (rarer-than-he-thinks) partying has NEVER directly affected him. He has no ground to stand on when he tells me I should stop except for his completely uninformed opinions.
It is my life, my time, and my body; I may do with them whatever the fuck I want.
I've been thinking this over, and I've sacrificed a lot for him. If he can't sacrifice this one moral standard for me, we may have bigger problems than this one, pissy fight.
Ffffffhhhhhhhhhssss (the sound the sun makes)
Julia
PS: Sorry about the longness, rantiness, gut-spilling, and lack of Parisan pictures... I hope you guys can understand.
You're damn right you can do whatever you want with yourself!
ReplyDeleteHm. I guess the most practical way to look at this would be with Now's perspective. I guess if you look from his point of view, he really is trying to keep you safe. You never know, right?
But still. You two should have a really, really, really long and deep conversation. Let him know everything you just told us – about how you DON'T sleep around and stuff. And then let him talk.
Hope things get better.
Eeshie, how could you?
ReplyDeleteI think for the first time in my past year of blog history, (post-Carpe-Noctum-days), I have to disagree with a blogger.
I have to say that I support your boyfriend here. Furthermore, I thank God that there are still teenagers like him in the world, who aren't terrified of confronting people about things like this.
Maybe you can do whatever you want with your body, but that doesn't mean you should! I don't know exactly what difficult situations you're going through, but I don't think there's ever an excuse to do drugs or drink too much or smoke or anything like that. There's just no excuse. And when it comes to drugs, there's no fucking way someone can prevent themselves from getting addicted. I have friends who thought the exact same thing, and there's no possible way you can stop yourself from getting addicted.
And finally, I think you should be honoured that your boyfriend is watching out for you like this. Maybe sometimes he might have been a jerk--I have no idea what kind of person he is--but surely you can't blame him for wanting the best for you?
(Breathes out.)
I'll be praying to the sun gods for you. They're the ones who really know what they're doing.
That Blond Guy!! It's like you didn't even read the rest of my comment!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, yes. And I would've wrote that down, yes. BUTTTT, since I don't know the whole story (and neither do you), I agreed with and disagreed with Julia.
Gosh. There's no way to convince a person to stop doing bad stuff by leaving comments like the one above. Or yelling at someone, like her boyfriend did.
Just saying.
Imma complette outsider but after readin all the shit thats happened here, I think that Eeshie has a point. I mean, its not like she told julia to go get druunk or something she just told her she shuld talk with the boyfriend . And that blong gyu, u got all wrked upp! yeah ur right about a bunch of tings but u was so harsh about it. :( BOTH of you right, and basically said the same message, eeshie just say it nicer. thats all :)
ReplyDeleteWell...well...well...
ReplyDeleteAll of you are stupid!