My voice is still completely shot. I'm frittering away my time on Facebook and I can't seem to find a good form of entertainment. And since no one can hang out, I'm stuck inside my suffocating house all day, texting people and feeling like the emo kid in the corner.
AND THE FEELINGS OF UGLINESS CONTINUE.
I'm so down, even dubstep is not lifting my mood.
This is not a good situation, guys.
I've decided to simply close the book on Fsb. If he wants to hang out, he can come to me. Which he won't, I know it, because I know him. Except I don't know him. He's the only guy that's ever been this much of a puzzle to me, and he remains fairly enigmatic, but I suppose he thinks he's figured me out, so while I'm still thinking about his mind, he's no longer interested in me.
That's fine, he hasn't, and when he figures out that I'm a little deeper than he initially thought, he might come back. Or he'll get bored and desperate and hit me up. And I'll go to him, because that's what he expects, and maybe I'm just a little desperate now too.
No. No, I'm better than that. Hopefully. Ok, I hereby resolve to not initiate any further conversation with this boy. Book of Fsb: Now Closed.
In other news, I talked to Wsb for the first time since he left today. Well, not talked.. I left him a message. It was short. Just like 'Hey, I miss you almost, how's life?'. I don't know what I feel now that he's worlds away and Fsb is no longer manipulating my thoughts towards him. It's sort of like he's a memory, like he himself doesn't exist, and all that I've got to hold onto is this lingering essence and the imprint he's left on me.
I don't even know what we had.. Looking back after giving it some time, it definitely was not love. Not that I ever thought for more than a fleeting second that it was, I just didn't know how else to classify such an intense relationship. I'm labeling it in my brain as a summer romance.
But now, for the first time, there are no really important guys in my life. Like, Fsb was never a potential relationship, and there haven't been any other romantic advances lately. It's a very odd feeling.
Society has conditioned me to think that I need a boyfriend, bit I know I don't, in fact, I know that a boyfriend is a terrible idea. But all that societal conditioning has made me subconsciously feel constant need for male companionship. And it's stupid, but I can't help it.
Maybe I need to stay completely alone for a while and get my brain back in check. For the past few months I've been all vulnerable and romantically inclined, and that's becoming detrimental. All this romantic desperation is very unlike me. This whole vulnerability thing is definitely not something that can continue.
My heart is starting to crumble from neglect.
I think I'll let it.
Julia
PS: I've had an epiphany about drugs: DON'T. Like, it's fun as hell, but I'm sort of bored with going nuts for a few hours and then feeling like shit afterwards. There's kind of no point, you know? Not that I'm completely stopping, because there are certain raves where it'll basically be a requirement, but I'm definitely going to lay off the mind-altering substances for the most part. Like, I've got better things to do and all.
Raves, however, Imma keep going to those. At least I can feel pretty somewhere..
1. Drink tea with lots of lemon and honey in it, it'll help soothe your voice.
ReplyDelete2. You are what you think you are. If you keep thinking that you are ugly then you will come across as such to others. I don't know you all that well, but I don't see ugly. Remember, there is more to a person than just physical appearance. Don't judge a book by it's cover; and all that jazz.
3. "Needing" to be with someone is one of the greatest injustices in human culture. When you're ready you'll know. Until then just be single and worry about yourself, but don't let the longing of being with someone get you down. The best things come along when we aren't looking for them.
4. While I may not be able to physically help you with your voice, or keep you entertained, this usually helps pick up my spirits when they are low:
http://silentradiopodcast.blogspot.com/
You gotta love free music. ;D
Love & Waffles,
Ant
I was literally going to say the same as Ant with regards to social conditioning making you feel like you need a man. I'm guilty, I feel lost without female companionship, but I guess it's true - The best things always come along when you're not looking. Keep your chin up, there's an acronym out there for you just waiting to sweep you off your feet, I promise :)
ReplyDeleteOh and regarding feeling 'ugly'... really?! REALLY?!
To put it bluntly, I would be all over you like a bad rash if I saw you in those fluffies. You, my dear, are stunning. Don't ever think otherwise :)
Saturn?! Saturn?! Let me tell you a little something about Saturn:
ReplyDeleteIt may look pretty on the outside, but inside... It's like if you were to have full sex, to climax, with God, but then he turns around fucks your spine out through your eye socket.
I'd recommend Europa, it's much safer. Also, there are Skittles.
Long story - short; feel better.