The Gates Of Repentance: A Mixed Up Religious Journey

Hour 26
I am this close to just breaking down and getting those ho-hos out of my car.

You see, it's Yom Kippur and I've been praying, fasting, and contemplating my own existence all day. This whole process has been made slightly harder by the fact that I happen to know that there is bag of Hostess nom noms chilling on the back seat of my car.

Hour 1
Surrounded by the congregation, I stand beside my JBF (Jewish Best Friend) and listen to the saddest, most beautiful song I will ever hear. I hear it every year at the start of this holiday, and every year it still makes my eyes well up (but I don't actually cry. I never cry, it's weird). The song is called Kol Nidre, it means 'our vows' in Hebrew. It's like a contract with God. As if God would actually sign it...

Because Yom Kippur is a somber affair, we fast (don't eat or drink ANYTHING) until the end of the last service tomorrow night.

Shit I have to practice the Torah portion I have to read tomorrow.

Hour 14
I am seriously stressing about this Torah portion. I have been practicing it all week, and because the Torah is written without vowels, you have to memorize what you are going to read before you read it. I've been freaking out and staying up late trying to learn this block of convoluted biblical verses.

Hour 17
Break between services. Yes!!

Hours 3-13 spent getting home and sleeping

Hour 20
I am having serious issues embracing the idea of God, even after all this. Throughout the prayer book, there are all these lists of sins that we as humans universally commit; but for half of them, I know I'm guilty but I don't if what I did was actually so wrong. I'm getting existential about what I've done; I mean, who's right is it to decide what is really right or wrong?

Hour 15
Well, I went up to read my Torah portion out of the Torah, and the rabbi couldn't find my starting place, so she told me to read it off of my practice copy (which had the vowels included). Everyone is impressed that I can handle reading large amounts of Hebrew, but I'm raging on the inside.

All that stressing and practicing like crazy was for nothing, and to add insult to injury, I didn't even get to read out of the actual Torah.

Hour 2
Shit, I'm already hungry.

Hour 27
The rabbi keeps talking about gates. The gates of Heaven, the gates of God's love, and the gates of repentance. Mostly, it's the gates of repentance. I mean, the idea of the whole holiday of Yom Kippur is to stand before God, open up your soul, admit everything you've knowingly done wrong in the past year, and repent like there's no tomorrow.

The idea is that once you acknowledge your sin before God, he will accept your not-so-humble apologies, but then you are supposed to actually fix the sin. See, I know my sins, but I don't see any reason to stop committing them. My sins don't hurt anyone, cause turmoil, or wreck families.

The rabbi says the gates of repentance are beginning to close and that we must all let God know one last time that we are truly sorry.

Hour 19
My low-blood-sugar-addled mind has seen that my JBF and her mother are from a Spanish heritage, but converted to Judaism. I have deemed them "Reverso Conversos", a term which is only funny if you've had a European history class.

Hour 23
I don't know if I can change, or if I even want to. Is God even paying attention to my suffering today? Or am I destined to just be my usual bitchy, rebellious, catalystic self and die young?

Hour 21
WANT. FOOD. WANT. FOOD. SO. MUCH. LONGER. TILL. FOOD. THAN. I. THOUGHT.

FRUIT NINJA IS NOT HELPING.

Hour 28
After 28 hours of not eating, drinking, or smoking, I am about ready to shoot a baby. But the rabbi makes Havdalah and finally declares the holiday over and I eat half a bagel. Best half a bagel of my entire life.

Yom Kippur- finito bro.
------------------------------------------------

I can't seem to find my faith, I know I lost it years ago, but now that I want to find it again, I feel like it's gone completely.



On the bright side, The Boy Who Juggles Fire is back in the picture for the moment. He'll mostly likely bow out after next weekend, but all you need to know is that after I had gotten home from the final service for Yom Kippur, he and I fogged up the windows of my car pretty good.

insert winky face here.


Julia