Long Night

9:00 PM
I sip hot chocolate while watching Intervention. It's one of those dual episodes where they follow two people at once. Tonight's rerun is an anorexic and a heroin addict. It disturbs me how the behavior of both women profiled is so hauntingly familiar. I realize that after last night's adventures, I'm down to having only six cigarettes. I really need to stop sharing my cigarettes.

10:00 PM
I decide that I should avoid studying and instead take a shower. Showers are very good procrastinatory tools.

11:00 PM
I down 15 mgs of melatonin, which is enough to knock out a fully grown man, light a few candles, and decide to call it a night. I pick up The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and try to read myself to sleep. I wish I could go to bed this early every night.

12:00 AM
This is a very good book. I pause to Facebook a quote from it, then continue to read. Cancer is kind of horrifying. Also horrifying is the fact that despite taking almost twice the maximum dose of melatonin, I am wide awake. I seriously need some prescription sleep meds or something. Or maybe just some industrial strength horse tranquilizers. At this point, I'm not too picky as to what could cure my insomnia.

1:00 AM
It is now evident that sleep is not going to conceivably happen. Luckily, I have this depressing yet magnificently written novel to bide my time. The story is about two kids with cancer who fall in love despite their bodies destroying themselves. The kids are really appreciative and existential; it makes me think that maybe if I had something destroying me, I wouldn't be so inclined to do it myself.

2:00 AM
Food break. All this contemplation of life and death can a girl hungry. I discover that rosemary and olive oil crackers+dab of cream cheese+tiny bit of marinara sauce=weirdly delicious late night feeding material. That's one for the memory bank.
Also, I don't think I like the idea of an afterlife. I know most people find it comforting, but I think oblivion is much more realistic of an expectation. Psh.. realistic is sort of a bad choice of words, I mean, after we die, who are we to decide what's real and what isn't? Maybe life is imaginary part of all of this. Maybe cancer really is just a side effect of being human.

3:00 AM
This book is really, really, really good! Wait, fuck, here come the tears. Damn you, John Green!

4:00 AM
Um. I... I can't even... I'm just going to keep reading.

5:00 AM
I finish the book. It was phenomenal. The proof of this is that I had a pretty steady stream of tears going through the last few chapters, and I am not a cryer, like, ever. Man, John Green can really rip your heart out with the way he writes and the stories he weaves. I think this story in particular hit me hard because I have now lost two friends to cancer and, having had a tumor myself (though not a cancerous one) can sympathize with the hospital-grossness parts. But mostly, it was just a really well-written book.

At this point, I suppose the only thing I can do is blog about my night to kill time until I have to start getting ready for school, which is where the writing of this post comes in. It is right about now that the regret sets in. I probably should have saved the reading for another time and just taken some more melatonin until I passed out. It's going to be a difficult Monday. Oh well.

I wonder if that stupid Anon will say anything today....
Anyway.

I hope you all have tolerable Mondays.
Julia