For The Love Of God

For all my anti-religion bitching, it must be confessed that, in truth, I am a moderately devout Jew.

I keep kosher during passover (not normally, because I feel that depriving one's self of things they might enjoy does not bring one closer to God, it makes one resent him/her/it) I had a bat mitzva and I observe most of the Jewish holidays, like Yom Hazikaron, not just the big ones, like Hannukah. I know all the prayers that are used in reform services by heart and can read Torah trope.

When I was little, I would say the Sh'ma (declaration of faith, sort of like the Muslim Shahaadah) every night. I went to Hebrew school and have been speaking, reading, and writing Hebrew for almost as long as I've been speaking, reading, and writing English. I used to go to Shabbat services every Friday and all that.

Mostly, this was because my parents guided me into my faith. When I was younger and had no problem being told what to do all the time, I found religion to be just like school or dance--a staple in my life, not an obligation.

After my bat mitzva when I was twelve (had it 6 months early) my parents were very laissez-faire when it came to my religious devotion. Suddenly, going to services and to Hebrew school was a choice that they would honor.

After studying hardcore for my bat mitzva for a year, during which I read both the Old and New Testament cover to cover, along with a lot of Talmud and Hillel, I was honestly a little burnt-out on Judaism. Being allowed to opt out for the first time in my life, I did. I stopped my religious education and barely went to any services.

I lost my faith. Once God wasn't being shoved down my throat constantly, I was able to question everything that I had been taught. I questioned the existence of God; how could a being so 'great and powerful' really have humanity's best interests at heart when the world is so full of fucked-up shit?

For a while, I totally wrote off any form of faith, feeling very sympathetic to atheism. But, over the past few months, I'm gradually reconciling with the belief that God exists.

I feel as though God is just a name to call upon when we don't understand why our lives are going the way that they are. He is someone to talk to, to plead with, and to be mad at when no human fits the bill. He's basically a universal imaginary friend.

As for God being all-powerful and causing things, I still don't see it. I always think it's funny when people on Facebook (remember, I live in Evangelical Land) are always thanking the Lord for random, superficial, man-made/caused things. I feel that humanity is in control of itself and that all the good and bad in the world are the result of our actions, not of some sentient being's.

When it comes to cultivating a relationship with the Lord, well, God and I are on a first-name basis. He's more of an observer in my life than a teller-what-to-doer and I am unashamed of calling on him. Our conversations are pretty one-sided, and I never ask for guidance, because let's face it, talking to God is basically me just calling upon my inner-schitzo, but it can provide comfort in times of need.

The reason I'm thinking about all of this is because I spent this morning at the bat mitzva of a girl whom I used to babysit. The ceremony was bland, mostly English, and barely half of the congregation knew any of the prayers and songs. I was honestly a little disappointed in the people around me and with the situation in general.

When I had my bat mitzva, the service was very heartfelt, Hebrew-heavy, and full of music. When I read my parshat (Torah section) I felt as though God was standing behind me. But today, being in a place of worship but surrounded by people who couldn't care less about the words they were saying, I felt as though no one was really in the right head-space to actually make a connection with God, and I found it to be sad.

When I walk into a temple, even if I don't want to be at the service, I put aside my disdain for my having to be there and focus on the fact that I am about to get up close and personal with the Lord. When I pray, I feel like God hears me better in Hebrew.

These days, I feel as though Hebrew is dying out of reform Judaism and that people in general are not so much losing their faith as losing respect for it. I know that it's hypocritical for me to feel all righteously indignant, especially due to my rampant premarital sex and constant posting of inflammatory statements on Facebook, but I do.

The thing is, sex and bitching aside, I feel that God is necessary in my life. I think that my actions do not define my character completely and that it is my intentions, not their results, that are the true measure of my morality.

And, I miss Jewish youth conferences... I feel like I have to find my faith and my community all over again, but this time, on my own.

Just my thoughts for today.


Julia