Relieved to See the Sun

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Things do get better. I know this because I finally crawled out of the academic stress tunnel on my hands and knees, covered in blood and pencil shavings, and crept into the warmth and light of high school graduate-ness.

I pulled my shit mostly together and have managed to survive high school, though my final grades and GPA have not yet been posted, I know it will not be my strongest year yet. I have Cs in both of my math classes and choir. I think I've kept my GPA above a 3.0, but it will not be pretty. I somehow don't care that much. I also managed to survive my three AP tests, although I am about 99.89% sure that I got a 1 on the Stats test because that class was like, the bane of my existence.

I am just so burnt out on academia. I used to care so much, but now I can barely bring myself to give a fuck. My priorities are changing. I no longer care about getting into an Ivy League school. I care mostly about working and saving money right now. I have been incredibly disenchanted by the idea of an illustrious education. I still want to go far and change the world, but I need to give myself time to rethink the actual battle plan and to make more realistic expectations for myself. Entering the military is looking like a pretty solid option as well, though I really want to do paramilitary intelligence, like CIA-ish.

Aside from my bad academic performance this year, I think that my fall from grace has finally ended. I am no longer being stressed out all to hell by balancing school, work, and my sometimes idiotic boyfriend. I now get to stay in one city most of the time and I plan to work and relax for the duration of the summer. I will start getting serious again more towards September, but for now, I refuse to think about anything school- or future-related.

Also, health-wise, I can feel my body beginning to repair itself now that I am not beating it to death every day. I am having fewer and fewer issues and flare-ups. I really think that it was the stress. Most people get headaches or nausea from stress, but I managed to give myself a bleeding gastric ulcer and a benign tumor because of all of the pressure that I put myself under.

I have begun doing yoga at a fancy studio, which is lovely because I think that yoga is the new love of my life. I like that it is an actual work out (which I definitely underestimated the first time I went, and promptly got my ass kicked in the class). I love hot yoga and candle light classes. It's a good way to relax and actually think positively about myself.


I have also just gotten hired at three places, which means I will have to choose one to turn down, but I will have a heightened income for the summer, which is good. I just want to be able to be as financially independent as possible and to be able to save a significant amount of money. I really need a newer car and I'd like to be secure enough to be able to put a down-payment on a new house/appartment/whatever.

I have fun stuff planned out for the summer, too! I am going to conventions (because I have been converted into a cosplayer, pics to come) and a music festival or two. I'm really excited to travel to LA and go to a major con and be able to meet all the indie-famous cosplayers and obscure actors that I enjoy obsessing over. The nerd in me prevails!

The best part of not having school for the foreseeable future is that I can start reading again. Like, reading books, but not  for a grade. I have a list of classics that I want to delve into along with a few philosopher's that I'd like to explore. Of course, I will be rereading some of my favorites, like Shakespeare, Nietzsche, and Dickens (I discovered that I fucking love Charles Dickens in AP Lit) So that should keep my IQ from dropping too terribly in the absence of school.

Looking back on this year, I fucked up a lot of things for myself by aiming too high and trying to do too much. I put myself in a really bad, dark, destructive place and ended up damaging myself and my future because of all of it. I still have an okay, possibly even above average foundation to stand on for reapplying to colleges later on, but I definitely damaged my own image by trying to care about too many things at once and then not being able to care about anything this year.

This summer is going to be about repairing myself and doing damage control on all of the relationships that I broke, ended, or severely marred this year. I can now focus on fixing things and being positive in the aftermath of my catastrophic stress behavior. In the fall, I am going to look at taking community college courses, getting back into volunteering and outreach programs, and rebuilding my road to a good future.

As for right now, I aim to live in the present, FOR ONCE.  I will live for myself and do the things that make me happy in order to find balance and serenity in my life :) my only priorities right now are reading, yoga, and working at better jobs.


Also, I think I'll be able to blog more, if anyone even still reads this thing.....



Julia

Oops. Just kidding. Found out today that due to an incredible, completely forseen and preventable screw-up on my parents' part, I may not get to go to Case in September. Or at all. Or anywhere at all. My parents, in one fell swoop, destroyed almost any chance I have of going to college anywhere, at all. Awesome.

My One and Only Post-College Decision Rant

In order to move onward and find the bright side, I must first air-out my frustrations and let out my resentment. So here, in one large rant, I am going to complain a lot, and once it's over, I will firmly embrace a positive attitude, adjust to my new circumstances, and stop being such a Debbie Downer. So here they are, my feelings:

Being faced with rejection, crushing disappointment, and the fact that you are not and likely never will be good enough for the school of your dreams the day before your spring break begins is kind of the worst timing ever. Thanks, Ivy League, now I get an entire week to rot in my sorrows and think about how much all of my hard work, stress, and countless all-nighters have been for nothing. Nothing makes your life feel pointless like getting rejected and/or waitlisted from every school who interviewed you.

However, having your childhood dreams shattered into billions of tiny pieces can have a few benefits. Benefit number one is that I have been forced to completely reevaluate every aspect of my life, and have learned that not only am I a complete and utter academic failure, but that many of my other goals are lofty and unachievable. So I've pretty much stopped trying to do anything worthwhile or impressive. Thanks, Ivy League!

Benefit number two is that now I get to go to school in the lovely city of Cleveland, Ohio. Lake-effect blizzards, horrendous internal economy, and one of the highest metropolitan poverty rates in the country, here I come! I always knew I'd be alone in a big city when I went to college, I just never thought it'd still be in the midwest. Which is totally fine, because it's not like the idea of applying to all the big name schools was to get the fuck out of the midwest. Not like I was trying to find a better life through a prestigious school. Nothing like that at all. (Except completely like that)

Benefit number three is that I am now heavily considering joining the military or a hippy commune or something. You know, why even go to school at all if I can't get the education I wanted? Why try at all since I obviously cannot be the best, the brightest, or even the dominant personality anymore? What the fuck is the point? How do I matter at all?

I know that it's a blessing to get a college education at all. I know that some people would shit their pants if they could even go to CU. I know that the school I am going to is in the top ten schools in the nation for science and research, and yet, I just don't care. I don't care that I am privileged, I feel like my entire life has just been flushed down the toilet and it's no one's fault but mine.

Maybe if I hadn't volunteered so much or gotten a job or moved out and been so independent, maybe then I could have devoted more time to studying and stuff and I could have had flawless grades and SAT/ACT scores. Maybe if I was just richer, I could have had to not worry about the job and the independence and could have focused on becoming appealing to the Ivies.

I mean, they interviewed me. They all came to me, they all acted like they wanted me, and then they all put me on the waitlists or just said no. What. The. Fuck.

The best part is, it's my fault for not applying to more schools. I was so confident that someone big would accept me, I didn't think to apply to anywhere slightly smaller, so now I'm stuck.

UGH.

Ok, done.

Julia

I was rejected from Columbia.

Looking at things critically, it's likely that I'll get rejected from Harvard and Stanford as well. If Harvard rejects me, it will break my heart into a million tiny pieces, but I think it'll be easier if I see it coming. Let's face it, I've never been good enough.

I just dreamed too big.
Looks like I'm going to school in Cleveland after all.

Next Time on 'General Hospital'

Lately, I've been having some medical issues. And by 'lately', I mean, since I was like, twelve. But lately lately, they've been fairly severe and I've been fairly immobilized at times.

Most recently, I've been dealing with a chronic condition. I am still in the process of diagnosing what is wrong with my specialist, but basically, I have a rogue ovary or something that is being kept under control by trigger point injections and painkillers.

Trigger point injections are intense. I get to have a three-inch needle jammed into my lower left stomach around 12-18 times injecting industrial-strength lidocaine, which is a numbing agent in the form of a gel. The procedure takes about fifteen minutes and happens once a month. Needless to say, it is very good that I am used to needles, because having lidocaine injections sucks beyond belief. As if the long, gauged needle wasn't enough, the injections themselves feel like I am having tiny balloons inflated underneath and in between the muscles of my stomach which pry my flesh apart. It's gnarly and I'm always super swollen and bruised afterwards, but it only has a two to three day recovery period, and then I am mostly pain free, so I am truly thankful that I have found a way to keep my rogue whatever under control. 

I received another round of shots on Monday, which was pretty routine, except for some reason, I am not recovering as quickly this time. My injection sites are still super painful and basic motor functions like walking, reaching, and even sitting up are pretty difficult to do without triggering shooting pain, which kind of defeats the purpose of the injections in the first place. I'm trying to wait it out so that my body can adjust to this latest round of injections and return to its usual shaky equilibrium by laying in bed and being fairly immobile for the past few days.

This is not an issue when it comes to school, because I am pretty good about getting my assignments in, even if they are a few days late, and because I have been absent so many times, my teachers are very aware of my medical shenanigans. So I miss classes and then do damage control, study from bed, and email in the really important stuff.

At work, in the past I have either been able to get people to cover me or have been fortunate enough to have my injections during off-days. Not this week. So, after my most brutal round of injections yet, I have had to work two shifts and am likely going to have to work another tomorrow.

This. Fucking. Sucks.
I completely understand that not everyone is available to cover me, even when I am in dire need of it, because people have personal lives and priorities and I can't just expect people to ignore their own stuff for me. I definitely understand the pragmatic need to have a minimum number of people working at the restaurant at one time in order for things to go smoothly. What annoys me is how, in a time of legitimate need, the cards are all falling against me.

I don't want to lose my job, but I feel that working my shifts is only exacerbating my medical problem. I have already tried calling in sick but was told to show up anyway. I have tried getting everyone and their fucking grandmother to cover me, but no one seems to be available or to be understanding that getting stabbed with a needle eighteen times in a row is more of a reason not to work than wanting to have a night out with their family.

I know it sounds completely selfish, but I feel like when I am in a time of need, absolutely no one has my back and my pain pills are only so effective.

I really just need time to rest. Not going to class isn't even worth it if I  end up having to go to work anyway. It's like I recover all day, then at night I undo all the healing that my body has done by having to carry things and reach for things and run back and forth in order to satisfy my superiors and our lazy, obese clientele.

I don't know what it will take to show everyone that I'm not just being dramatic and lackadaisical. I thought that being open about my monthly injections would garner a little bit of sympathy, or at least understanding, but apparently, it's going to take tubes running out of my arms and respirator for anyone to offer me a day off without me having to beg for it first.

My stomach is on fire and I have a closing shift tomorrow. As if that wasn't enough, other medical issues are beginning to surface and I'm starting to wonder if this is all worth literally killing myself for. My body is ripping itself apart because it can't handle all of the stress I have heaped upon myself by trying to please everyone.

I really, really need my income, and I truly enjoy my job, but at times like this, throwing my hands up and saying 'fuck it' has never been so tempting. I won't do that, obviously, and if I have to break my body further so that I can continue to eat, then so be it.

It just hurts.


Julia

Feeling like the Bottom of the Ocean

Buckle up for a long one, kids. I have a lot to say.

Let's start with the lovely things:
Competing at UC Berkeley for speech and debate was absolutely fantastic. For anyone who actually knows how the forensics thing works, I competed in DI (single entry, because let's face it, we weren't actually there to compete) and didn't make it to octafinals, though I did have some lovely rounds before eliminations began.

In all honesty, the competition was just one fun activity on a long list of activities that we did. It was fun to talk to and compete against people form all over the western side of the US, and super nice to see some new and innovative pieces, but none of us from my team were taking the competition seriously. We liked running around Berkeley (which is a city kind of like Boulder; I didn't know it was actually a city and not just a school until we got there >.< ) and San Francisco, eating great food and buying fun things.

I loved being in the bay area of California. The weather was consistently not inconsistent and the cities felt like places I'd want to live some day. The campus at Berkeley made me feel really excited about going to college. I kind of wish I had applied there...

However, I can now safely say that I have one college acceptance under my belt. For those of you who only know about my life through this blog, I have been accepted to Case-Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio. I only just found out this morning, but it's a relief to know that some place out-of-state wants me in their school.

My audition weekend thing there two weeks ago was great. It was essentially a group of 20 or so prospective students and current theater majors. We watched a play, saw an improv show, ate at an Italian bakery, and bonded like crazycakes. About half of the theater majors that were chaperoning us were in the various productions we saw.  The improv show was by far the highlight of my trip; Case's improv troupe is extremely talented and the show was in a black box theater, which are the best theaters.

There was a hot Korean student, a sassy black prospective whom I instantly became best friends with, a few awkward southern kids, a lot of local people, and one of my good friends who had gone to high school with me for my first three years. He and I had been in two productions together and were on the debate team together, so it was awesome to be able to hang out with him for a weekend.

I also ran into another former debate team member, but she has become slightly unhinged and has become a home-wrecking, alcoholic sorority girl. It's a shame, too, because she used to be quite sweet and innocent and very smart, but she played with boys too much and has not been responsible with her newly found collegiate freedom. Sigh.

The absolute best part was the faculty. The theater teachers and instructors were awesome to talk to and I felt like they really knew their stuff. We did a work shop with one of the main acting teachers which was really depthful and enlightening.

The visit to Case-Western was pleasant and very informative. I left with a bunch of new friends and a whole new outlook and insight on the reality of the student life that I will be living soon.

The only problem is that I really do not want to go to Case-Western.

The school has an okay-looking campus and a okay-acting population, but there is a huge Greek system in place, which is something that is kind of a deal-breaker for me when it comes to colleges. I don't have a problem with academic fraternities, but service and social frats really just annoy me, and it felt like every student I talked to was in some kind of frat, usually in multiple ones. I found every description of frat life to be uninspiring and I felt like the service frats were really just social frats that did two or three things a year to keep their service funding. I really do not want to go to a school with a social dynamic that functions completely based on superficial paradigms.

Another thing that I found unappealing was that the main stage for their theater program is smaller than the ones at both of my high schools! The theater where we saw the play sat maybe 50 people, and the theater at HHS sits almost 600. The black box theater was nice but equally tiny, and just from walking around the campus and staying in the dorms and such, I am thoroughly unimpressed. Honestly, if I am going to do any sort of performing, I prefer to have a substantial audience. I know it sounds horrifically superficial, but I feel like my work kind of goes to waste when there isn't a large amount of people to appreciate the final product.

I just don't think I could ever be passionate about living and learning there. Cleveland is wholly depressing, cold, and rainy. It was grey the entire weekend, which I normally don't mind, but I felt almost suffocated in the dark clouds that were constantly hanging low over the school. Case-Western, with its huge, sprawling campus lightens up an otherwise dreary and decrepit city. I just didn't like it; there was no internal spark, no "Oh my God, I love this place" moment like I had felt on the Cal Berkeley campus.

And that sucks, a lot, because what if I don't get accepted anywhere else? I will go to Case-Western if I truly have to, because I need a college education and I need to get out of Colorado for a while, but I have this feeling that going to Case-Western won't make me any happier about learning than I am right now, and right now I am a depressed, fed up, burnt out mess. I don't know if I can handle four more years of being uninspired about my education.

At this point, I am just hoping that some other school--just one of the Ivies--accepts me. I am not taking my Colorado State University seriously at all, especially now that I know I can at least go SOMEWHERE else, which leaves my happiness and fate in the hands of the admissions boards at Stanford (not an Ivy, but close enough), Harvard, and Columbia.

To be frank, if I get lucky and either Harvard or Columbia accepts me (it is highly unlikely that I will go two for two with the Ivy league) I will likely confirm my admission on the spot. It is my dream to go to school on the east coast at a harrowed institution. I just want to be surrounded by intense knowledge and passion and competition so badly because there is so little of that here in Hicktown, USA.

There is also my whole driver's license situation, which is currently in limbo, and I have no idea what to think about it. I do not like being in limbo, and I feel as though many of the important aspects of my life are in limbo right now. It is making me uncomfortable.

I am a personal with a highly internalized locus of personal control! I do not like being told to sit and wait for my life to work itself out. I am not a "what happens, happens" type of person; I MAKE things happen for myself. Being forced into a position where there control of major things in my life is out of my hands is really making me unhappy and on-edge, and I can't stop being anxious until I get definitive information telling me what my options are.

Yuck.

How's your life these days?

Julia

PS: My posts will lighten up once it's closer to summer, I promise. This stress train has to stop somewhere....

Priorities

I have an audition at Case-Western Reserve University this weekend and I should really be practicing! Instead, I bought a purse and have been watching things on YouTube. Go me, I'm a winner.

But, let's talk about priorities:

School just isn't one anymore. Nope. I have a boyfriend, job, and collegiate stuff to do. Why on Earth would I put doing my Lit homework above that? I mean, I do it and usually turn it in on time, but does it get the sort of love and devotion my boyfriend gets? Hell no. Unless it's on Shakespeare, in which case Technicolor Boy must leave me alone so that I can spend some personal time with my first true love. But, aside from that, I just can't take my classes that seriously anymore.

You guys. The dreaded senioritis. It has finally set in.

All my GHS stuff, I grudgingly prioritize (kinda, sometimes) because I really need to graduate in order to make the college plans work, but anything else regarding the schools I have spent the last four years of my life in no longer seems to be all that important or even interesting anymore. My classes are engaging, thank Jesus Christ almighty, but they are not awakening any kind of passion or excitement. I feel so burnt out on high school.

Social stuff is so blahhh. No one else my age (within current proximity) is living outside of their own house, working, or is applying to big-name schools, let alone Ivy league ones. All of my school friends freak out about Tumblr and One Direction and Ed Sheeran and I'm over here like "I love The Who! Omg Rush! Let's listen to Pink Floyd!" I got a Twitter, but I only have like 50 followers because I am not a fan of tweeting random, meaningless bits of Tumblr advice.

My school friends are really sweet, but I am so much closer with my college friends and friends from my old high school that I barely get to see anymore.

Literally the only thing keeping me from dropping off the face of the planet is Technicolor Boy, who motivates me to get my work done and wakes me up early even though he doesn't have to so that I can make it to school.

I am just sooooooo ready for the higher education chapter of my life to begin. Gah.

Julia

Tentative

SO. I confronted Technicolor Boy about his selfish behavior. He did not take it well, there was much "oh then I guess you're soooo much better than me" and "oh then go date someone with more money than me" but I dropped a few personal verbal bombs that silenced him instantaneously. He almost cried, but now I feel like he's contributing a lot more.

He bought me a new dress and a heart shaped box of chocolates and has been bringing me dinner every night. I've told him that he doesn't need to constantly buy me things, that all I want from him is a little appreciation and the occasional unprecedented act of niceness, but I think he is starting to understand how imbalanced our relationship had become and he is trying to even things out a bit.

I don't know how long this will last. Tentatively, I feel as though my emotional poking has been an effective solution, but only time will tell if he is actually caring more or if this is going to be cyclic thing where he cares a lot and then gradually stops until I get mad at him. I don't know, we'll see.

Either way, I saw The Who live with him yesterday. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you probably saw my emotional outbursts via status, but if not, they were basically along the lines of HOLY SHIT PETE TOWNSHEND ROGER DALTREY OMFG ALL MY FAVORITE SONGS LIVE I AM SEEING LIVING LEGENDS AND AAAAAA

I fucking love The Who. The best moment of the night was when they played "Won't Get Fooled Again" and Roger did the (now meme-ified due to its use as the CSI: Miami theme) YEAAAAAAAAH right at the end. I felt the power. But seeing literally every song that I love by them played live was amazing. Shows like that make me want to be a rock star.


As for Valentine's Day, I'll only get to spend the night before and the early morning with my boyfriend, which sucks, because I have class and then work that day, and instead of going home to Technicolor Boy afterwards, I have to go to my parent's house and prepare to get on an airplane to California at like five in the morning.

I am finding it very hard to be excited about going to compete in speech and debate at Berkeley because I am exhausted and really want nothing more right now than to just cuddle with my boyfriend and his cat forever. I know I always bitch about going on trips; I'll most definitely perk up once I'm at the airport and am surrounded by my friends.

Blahhh.

Julia

Oh Shit, Valentine's Day

This is coming from my phone, so it's going to be one massive vlock of text. Sorry, this is my only source of internet and I'm desparate.  Also, sorry for the likely gratuitous spelling errors in advance, editing is hard on a tiny touch screen.  Anyway. Dearest bloggers, help, I need advice, stat. Male readers, your input especially, because I feel as though I may have too much of a one-sided perspective on this. I am having boyfriend issues, and with the dreaded V Day looming on the horizon, I'd rather not single-ify myself impulsively. So, help! Here is my side: I do a lot of stuff for Technicolor Boy. I drive a long way to stay with him every night, I buy him a lot of food and nice things and concert tickets, and he always says he'll pay me back, but instead he spends his paychecks buying more things for himself. I know he collects expensive statue yhingies, but literally every oaycheck goes to his collection and other things for hinself. He never buys anything for me unless I ask. Then, today, we were supposed to have a date night after ny Stanford interview, with a sushi dinner and then a movie. Before we went to dinner, he insisted on going to a store to scope out things he wanted to save up for, but ended up vuying a lot of stuff for himself. When I pointed out somethibg I wanted, he was all "that's cite" so I had to buy it myself even though he easily could have just bought the tiny thing for me. He oayed for dinner, but he was practically silent the whole time and, frankly, acted like a little bitch when one of ourdishes came out and refused to eat it. He kept up the interchanging silence/douchebag roytibe for the duration of dinner. By the end of it, I decided to nix the movie and just call it a night. I looked at our cute sushi chef helplessly, and it got me thinking, why do I even bother? I do so much for this boy and I smile and hang out with hin and do things he wants to do, but when it comes to doing things that I want to do, he acts like he hates it and can't wait for it to end. He never buys me nice things unless he feels like he owes me, and I know material objects are not the be-all-end-all, but I feel as though his lack of material gratification for me is a manifestation of his appreciation for ne. I feel very taken for granted when I am so in love and do so much for him. It's not enough to just hug me when I'm sad and bring me free food from his work. I want him to at least fake a smile for me when I bring him with me to do something that jist I want to do. I feel like I should jist know better than to expect any kind of consideration from him that he doesn't feel obligayed to provide because he is, by nature, selfish. I can usually handle it, but nights like tonoght are just too much for me to ignore. Our day that was supposed to be nice and romantic has ended in a fight and hostile silence. I love him so much, but is this worth all of my time, money, and effort? Am I just expecting too much? Should I shut up and take what I can get? I have almost a year invested in this boy; do I keep going and try fix things and balance the scales, or just cut my losses before college? Help. Please. I don't know what to do. Thanks. Julia.

Not a Vlog...

This isn't a vlog. Sorry! Really, this blog is one of the only things I've been legitimately committed to lately and I feel bad not following through with a promise, or even posting that often... But it's coming. Someday. I've been trying to find time to make one that's nice and all edited and stuff, but I am busy as a motherfucker and am finding it terribly difficult to find much time for anything, so please be patient a little.

So, here's the latest for those of you who don't stalk me religiously on Facebook or Twitter:
-Got interviewed by Columbia University in NYC, which went nicely.
-Got contacted by Harvard for an interview; we'll see how that goes.
-Going to Berkeley for a debate competition in a few weeks.
-Going to Case-Western Reserve University in Cleveland to audition for theater scholarships two days after I get back from Berkeley.
-Approaching ten whole months of uninterrupted monogamy with Technicolor Boy (whom I live with most of the time now)
-Working all the time.
-Seeing The Who in concert in two weeks.
-Got another tattoo, this one's a small anchor on my right side ribs.
-Dyed my hair back to brown (it was purple...)
-Helping Technicolor Boy move into a new house, leaving the old roommates behind, and getting used to the huge new space. His cat is not pleased.

And that's basically it for now. I promise I'll be back soon to write about worthwhile shit.


Julia