Stockholm Syndrome

Ok, this is something I wrote a little over a year ago. I'm not in this situation anymore, but I saw the guy today... and I guess sharing this is just the way I'm going to deal with that.

They hit us, they yell, they tell us all about every little mistake we ever made, they constantly lie, cheat, and decieve us, and yet we need them. They break our hearts like they're cracking slabs of toffee; tenderly, but with just enough distain to do significant damage, and just enough malice to truly enjoy it. But it's as if we enjoy it too. They break us again and again, and yet we love them. We forgive them. Some part of us wants to believe that this time will be the last time, even though we know it won't be and deep down we're just silently preparing for the next blow. Why, oh why do we always go falling back into the arms that bruised us?

We hear the messages constantly:"If he hits you once, he'll hit you again." How true. And then, "Domestic violence is never ok." You think so? Huh. Here's my favorite: "Love is respect." Ha. I wish he felt that way.

But we stay with him, because of the rare good times. We stay because in our minds, we have an idea of what the relationship could be, and we focus so much on what we want that we forget about what's happening to us. We push that little fight we had this morning to the back of our brains, where it can stay secret and it doesn't hurt as badly as the bruise on our cheek.

It's been a month, just a month since I became part of this 'we'. It's not that we're scared. I mean, we are, we all are, every single person in this situation knows about 'scared'. But some things are worth being scared. The good things are worth the fear and the pain and the fights and the constant apologizing for things you never did.

The way we feel, it's an actual disease, a mental disorder. It developed during a hostage situation in some war involving Stockholm, when the hostages actually loved defended their captors.

We stay because we need to. In the end, we'll escape one way or another, or we'll be set free against our will. But for now, even though they hit us, we pray that this time will be the last time.