I. Am. Alone.

And loving it :)
In response to Daryl's post, fondly entitled "So Happily Screwed.", I give you a rare and uncensored look into my thoughts in regards to relationships of any kind. And I guess there's bit in there meant soley for Dari-darling (may I call you Dari, darling?) but I'm not going to set it apart from the rest of my thoughts, so you'll just have to find that part on your own.

When I read Daryl's post, I wanted to comment, but I realized that the post was probably overloaded with emotions and geared towards someone who obviously isn't me, so I said nothing, plus commenting with "omg I totally feel the same way, people are bullshit." would have been a tad douchey in my opinion. I also realized that I really wanted to respond to the deeper thoughts in the post, and not just the anger sitting on top of the words, so here I am, responding :P

I guess what really struck me is how she was able to (without realizing it, I'm sure) sum up my entire outlook on interpersonal relationships in one little sentence: "I am mine."

So here's the core, the foundation, the gooey center of my personal philosophy:
I love no one, and no one loves me.

Sure, I've got friends, best friends even, and yes, I do love them with every inch of my being. However the way I love them is friendlove, which is essentially a cheap but mostly satisfying imitation of the real deal. A fact that is all too apparent is that no one will ever value me as much as I value them. Therefore, in an effort to excersise my logical instinct for emotional self-preservation, I value no one as much as I value myself.

I value myself because, let's be honest, if I don't then no one will. As Daryl made quite clear in her post, we are only little parts of other peoples' lives. We can never assume that people care about us the way we care about them because humans have this tendency to do surprisingly stupid and hurtful things. Betrayal of each other is part of our natural duty in living.

To those who actually know me, this is where my innability to hold down a boyfriend comes from. I can't trust people. I just can't because I've learned not to. It's not like I don't want to, I just refuse to. Blatantly. I can only be independent, because by being independent, I can save myself the hurt that I am sick seeing in other people. I can assure myself that I will never fall without anyone to catch me because I always catch myself.

I may be incredibly self-assured and confident, and fuck yes I'm independent. I'm not comfortable with being anyone's anything because it'll only be temporary anyway. I am no one's anything.

And yet my exsistence is neither lonely nor sad. Wrap your head around that one :)