Juxtaposition

I'm in my school's musical, which is "Oklahoma!" and I'm playing Ado Annie, which is the slutty yet loveable character (type-cast much?). Unfortunately, this role requires me to kiss not one, but two guys on stage (which bothers me, yes, but it's not as scary as one might think).

One of the guys I have to kiss is Phillipino, but everyone thinks he's Mexican. We were talking today in class about how ignorant people come to him and ask him what he is, like he's an ice cream flavor or something. I mean, rude! And he said the most common guesses are "so are you like, Chinese or Mexican?" and apparently getting mistaken for a Latin American makes him very frustrated. He said he just wants to get a tattoo that says "I'm not Mexican, dammit!"

We're buddies. Awkward buddies, but buddies.

Ok, so I'm about to impart some theater kid drama (ba dump chhh... but seriously).

I have this theory that Phillipino Guy is starting to get a thing for the girl who's Ado Annie in Cast B (the show is double-cast, so each role has two actors, and we alternate performance nights, get it?). Unfortunately, she has a thing for a guy in her cast, which has been this long-standing thing that I won't go into. Anyway, I think Phillipino Guy is really starting to like her.

I really want to take him aside and say "Look, I'm sorry I'm not her, but I'm the one you're cast with, so can we please just be professional and do what we need to do? Ok?"

What really gets to me is how much people compare me to her. I feel like there's an unspoken competition between us, not because we're opposite casts or anything, but because we look so much alike, people expect us to be alike. I feel like she's a better version of me, and it's weird.

She's two inches taller, two inches skinnier, has blue eyes, not hazel, has clear skin, has thin hair that doesn't require a straightening iron, dresses really well and can sing like an angel. I'm not an un-confident person, I just feel like in everything superficial, she's just that much better than me and everyone knows it. It's very frustrating.

Personality wise, we're complete opposites. I feel like even though I'm a year younger, I'm the more mature one. She's innocent, and shy, but still manages to be outgoing, and she never swears. She LOVES Jesus, and takes her church more seriously than anything. She's family-oriented, and giggly, and is a good student. She's friends with everyone. She flirts constantly with everyone, and I don't think she realizes how much it works. But then again, I know other girls like that... and I'm not making her up, she's like a saint, even though she's constantly freaking out that she's a slut.

And then there's me. I swear like a sailor, I'm awkward, and judgemental, and Jewish. I'm so incredibly cynnical all the time. I never turn to God. I isolate myself from my disfunctional family. I'm not a straight A student, infact, I'm failing math. I'm friendly to everyone, that is unless they give me reason not to be, but I'm not straight up buddies with the entire school. I've snuck out on schoolnights to go get drunk and have sex. And she worries that she's a slut!

The thing is, she wears her heart on her sleeve. She's cried in front of me numerous times, and you can read her like an open book with self-turning pages. She's so naïve all the time, and so open, and honest. So emotionally fragile. And then there's me: so emotionally in-check that even my best friends haven't seen me cry. I know so much about everyone, and can lie like I can breathe; effortlessly. I'm emotionally stronger than almost anyone I know.

But around this girl, I feel like the evil twin, the one the parents love just a little less. I feel like everyone compares me to her saintness and expects me to top it because I'm younger. I don't even know how that makes me feel.

It twists me up. I don't want to be better than her, but I don't want to be pitied. She's this amazing person, and she tries really hard, but succeeds at everything that she doesn't even realize she does. It's very frustrating to watch someone be so perfect.


Sigh, and now comes the part where I reassure myself and talk about how I'm so fucking special in my own fucking special way. And I tell myself that I shouldn't get worked up over a Phillipino-not-Mexican boy who'd rather kiss someone who's not me, because let's face it, I'm not too keen on having to kiss him.

Buuuuuut it's frustrating.
OK, sorry, this kind of turned into a gut-spill. That doesn't happen too often. We here at I WISH I WERE BRITISH offer out sincerest apologies for the extendedness of this post, it kind of got away from us.


Gjuggjugjug (the sound those island drums make)
Julia