Dearest Christopher,
Fret not, my boy, for no line has been crossed. Rather, I appreciate your concern and understand where you are coming from. But I can see from the extent of your concern that you are unclear as to where I am coming from, so allow me to illuminate you on the basis for my rampant delinquency.
I drink alcohol (although, for the record, the times when I drink are few and far between) because, in short, I can. At parties, when there are large amounts of free booze, I drink because, well, why not? I enjoy alcohol's effects when used semi-responsibly and in slight moderation. I tend to only drink if the alcohol is free, though, it's not something that I enjoy enough to spend my own money on.
My reasoning for using drugs is very different though. While I have experimented with cocaine, acid, ketamine, and ecstasy, the only drugs that I use regularly are molly (MDMA) and marijuana. I smoke weed for the same reasons I drink alcohol: if someone else is buying, then why not?
Molly, however, is a fickle friend. The effects of molly are quite enjoyable and predictable for me, and in a rave setting, they can prove to be an enhancement for an otherwise not-so-fun night. It provides energy, happiness, an inclination to be kind to others, and makes the world look much more beautiful than it actually is, which is nice for a few hours. Aside from the jaw-clenching, molly really doesn't have any bad side effects, and that sets it apart from its more harsh counterparts. The thing is, with every other drug I've tried, the effects have either been unenjoyable and scary or so outlandish that I had no desire to ever use them again. Molly is the one drug I pay for.
In all honesty, one can't see the appeal of a drug like molly unless one tries it and enjoys it. Unless one has experienced it, one can't really judge whether it's good or bad. Let it be stated for the record that I only use molly at raves and not necessarily at every rave I go to. Let it also be known that the quantities of molly that I consume have never exceeded a half-gram. The consumption of molly is not a requirement for me to have a good time and my body does not have a chemical need for it. [Basically, I don't do as much as a lot of other people at these things do, and I am not, repeat, NOT addicted even in the slightest. Molly is only physically addictive when taken daily and/or in doses larger than 1g.]
As for the cigarettes, those are a real addiction, like caffeine or calories. Yes, smoking may be detrimental to my health and wellbeing, but I enjoy smoking cigarettes, that's it. When I stop enjoying it, that's when I know it's time to pack up the willpower to quit. The same goes for any substance I use.
You should know that I am able to have fun without the aid of substances. I have raved sober as many times as I have raved while rolling. The same goes for parties; I have been the DD many a time and still had a blast. It's not a matter of fun v. no fun, it's a choice between the kind of fun I want to have. I am not reliant on substances for a personality, charisma, nor people skills. I do not turn into a different person when I drink or use. I don't need this stuff, I like it.
I honestly don't care that it's unhealthy. There are all manner of unhealthy things in this world that people justify doing. I'm going to die some day, I just am. In my opinion, a long life isn't necessarily a good life. This stuff is the sort of fun I can have while I'm young and get away with; it's not as if I plan to party like this when I'm in my 30s.
The record should note that my illicit activities have not affected my schoolwork, productivity, nor my drive to succeed. My life is not devoted to doing partying. I don't think it's fair that people think that I should either party or succeed in life. Why can't I do both? I have a 3.8 GPA despite the fact that there is a pack of American Spirits sitting on top of my physics textbook right now. I am not consumed by my own recklessness. I know when to put the cigarette out and focus on more important things.
Though some may argue that my participation in substance abuse denotes a lack of general morality, they are mistaken. I have morals, they are just different than your morals. I am not evil. I refuse to accept that my behavior is bad 'because it's bad'. Circular reasoning that's based on ancient societal norms isn't going to deter me from trying new things and breaking unsaid rules.
I guess, my main point is that I'm young and I'm bored. I would rather have an incredible night that I'll remember happily for the rest of my life at the cost of a few brain cells than play it safe at the cost of not having anything ridiculous or fantastic to look back on.
I realize that you don't agree with the majority of this, and that most people would simply expect me to find different things to enjoy, but this is what I do. My actions do not define my livelihood in this instance. That being said, at the end of the day it's my fun to have, my life to live, my body to abuse.
Hope that clears things up a little for you, but I'll understand if it just muddied your understanding even more...
Yours,
Julia
I'm commenting on this post at 9:51 in the morning because I've been up since 5. I'm going to leave yet another fantastically lengthy, not entirely interesting comment and then I'll have said my share.
ReplyDeleteGoodness me what a fantastically articulated argument. There's not really anything I can say about this. I just want to make sure that we're clear that I wasn't correcting you like a parent or anything. If I sounded like I was scolding you or trying to make you feel bad, I'm sorry. I guess being a mother of three gives me some bad habits.
I don't really object to drugs on a moral basis. Well, I sort of do, but it's not because I divide the world into good things and bad things. It's not because adults told me drugs were bad in elementary school and ever since then I've detested the thought of them. I just don't like the idea, really. It seems like manufactured happiness. We live in such an artifical world--I don't want my emotions--my moments--to be artifical too. But I guess I understand if people feel differently, which clearly they do. Millions of people all over the world clearly feel differently.
The cigarettes I also object to but not at all on a moral level. From birth I have just hated cigarette smoke. I inherited that from my dad, who yells angrily for twenty minutes at a time at anyone who smokes around him, even strangers. My uncle smokes, and one time my dad was sitting in his office at his school when my uncle got here from Texas to visit. My mom walked in ahead of my uncle to surprise my dad, and when she walked into his office, my uncle walked into the building. My dad sniffed once and said, "Kearby's here." He hadn't even been smoking.
RIDICULOUSLY LONG COMMENT PART 2!!! (I'm writing like a book here.)
ReplyDeleteI have family who smoke and a handful of friends who do. I just hate it. It's terrible for the smoker, the people around the smoker, and the environment. And, once again, I'm not pointing fingers. But this is why I don't smoke. And this is why one time I hit a person with a shovel just because he was smoking a cigarette outside my window.
Okay maybe it's not always best to live a long life. But it's not always terrible. And for heavy smokers, you don't always have as long as you think. Namely my second cousin, who died at 42 from lung cancer. She smoked constantly. Or my uncle, who tried a cigarette for fun when he was 16, tried quitting several times but couldn't. My grandfather had asthma, and my uncle's smoking kept him up coughing well into the nights, and perhaps even contributed to the illness that led to his death. And I know I'm starting to sound like a guest speaker at a school assembly right now, but I'm just being real. I just don't like the idea of smoking. Inhaling all those toxic fumes and shit? It just seems nasty.
I'm not looking down on you. I respect your views, and it sounds like you know what you're doing. A lot of people who are against drugs, including some of my friends sadly, have this view of it that reminds me of that guy from Donnie Darko. Have you seen Donnie Darko? The guy who divides everything into "fear" and "love." And the PE teacher, Kittie, does that exercise where the students in the class have to decide whether or not various decisions people make in hypothetical situations are derived from fear or love. And then Donnie Darko tells the bitch she can shove a book up her ass.
I was like "right on!" I don't think things are that simple. I don't think that going to church is good, while drugs are bad. Doing your homework is right, but smoking is wrong. My opinion about drugs is, to make a dramatic overstatement, a personal preference. I don't want to try to force my opinion on other people, especially because I know they don't want to hear it. But I do think that a lot of people who smoke and do drugs think they're in control when they're not. This is something I've learned not just from books or teachers or anti-drug ads, but from experience.
I rarely quote t-shirts and bumper stickers and shit, but I think that line is awesome, "I'm high on life." I just think there is so much amazing stuff and so many amazing people that I don't understand why people would need drugs. I don't know if you've noticed, but I do drugs, and I'm not a pathetic lump of sadness who sits around all day doing nothing. I have experiences, I make memories. And I don't think I'll hit 30 and regret that I didn't do drugs.
This comment is even longer than I anticipated. It's so long it should be illegal. But I hope I don't sound condescending and I hope we're still cool, and maybe you'll understand why I don't do drugs and why I don't like the idea of them in the first place.
Hope you're having an agreeable day.
Igor: It's times like this that I remember what my old dad used to say.
Dr. Frankenstein: What was that?
Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom all day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"
Holy shit I wrote a fucking novel. I'm sorry. I can go on for hours when I get passionate.
ReplyDelete(That's what she said sorta.)
Your "That's What She Said" joke was a complete and utter failure.
ReplyDeleteI'mProudOfYou,Christopher.
^that's what she said.
ReplyDelete(Just to irritate you, Eeshie.)
Mission accomplished!
ReplyDelete^that's what she said.
ReplyDelete(What now, fiend?)
This is gloriously written and completely justifies your actions. I'm a smoker and a drinker and I echo your beliefs. Life is short, no matter which was you look at it. Let's go out and have fun while we're young. It's those nights that you never remember, but you'll never forget. That's what I live for.
ReplyDeleteGirl, you can write. Damn.