So there I am, on Pearl Street, talking to Fsb, and he's being polite and even conversational. Underneath the pleasant surprise I'm feeling, I have this nagging sensation that he wants something. I run my fingers through my hair and realize it's white again. I look up at his face and he's smiling, which is weird for him. I explain that I have to be somewhere and turn turn to go but he grabs my arm. I can feel his hand on my arm and it's ironlike, and then I wake up.
I have been having the weirdest dreams lately.
I ran into Ex the other day. It was a little awkward, honestly. There I was, having a cigarette with Em as we walked around University Hill at CU. Just as we were approaching the record shop where Ex used to take me all the time, I thought to myself, 'Wouldn't it be funny if he was in there right now'.
It was a blithe little wonderment, but then he walked out the doors and straight towards us. I was mid-drag and there was no way to hide the fact that I was smoking and he looked at my face in a mix of shock, recognition, and sadness. I searched his gaze for disgust or disapproval, but I found none. And then just like that he was gone, walking briskly down the street.
Seeing him got me all reminiscent and nostalgic. His face catalyzed a high-speed flashback look at our relationship and my other relationships. I was jolted back to reality when Wsb texted me.
This is my life right now:
Wsb is distant; friendly, but worlds away from the boy I knew over the summer. Fsb is barely in the picture, and that's fine with me, believe me. Agb called me up drunk last night, we had a hilarious back-and-forth. Usually, I'm the one doing the drunk dialing, so it was refreshing to have a little role-reversal there.
On Saturday, I went to a tiny rave and met a DJ and a guy named Texanraverboy (Trb from now on). Things are going, I suppose. The DJ is quite the little wankster.
So there is a small amount of new boy in my life right now. New boy is all well and good, but as my friends pair off for the holidays, I'm once again stuck in that awkward position of being the one who only wants sex. See, I'm normally a fiercely independent single person, but then the holidays roll around and I find myself doubting my own romantic values.
Sighh. As soon as New Year's is out of the way, I'll perk back up again to my usual skinny and vicious self.
At least I hope I will...
Julia
Hey, Jules. You know I love you, but I thought I'd ask. Why the smoking? Why the drugs? Why the heavy drinking? All that stuff will fuck you up. I think life is pretty chill by itself without people pumping themselves with chemicals and fumes and various juices.
ReplyDeleteI know these may seem like empty words to you, but I thought'd I say something because this is how I feel. And I know you think I don't understand or whatever, and I don't really, but I just know that I don't think a person's happiness should depend on their stash of weed or alcohol, you know?
I'm not trying to change you. I'm just trying to understand. It makes me sad is all.
I know I'm probably crossing a line here. And I know this is kinda awkward. So I'm going to diffuse this awkward situations like I diffuse most awkward situations. By posting a link to an entirely unrelated by amazing song by Man Man, and then by concluding my comment with some random emoticon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Poy964tPrX8
:P
I've had my fair share of strange dreams myself,
ReplyDelete...really strange... wow. Flashback.
anyways, don't let the holidays get you in the muck. They'll be over soon enough.
-Of course, I can't wait to go back to school. I hate the holidays.
(I'm such a hypocrite..)
-Sam.