My new personal mantra is this:
אם אין אני לי מי לי
It means, 'If I am not for me, who will be for me?'
It's this old Hebrew proverbial thing. It just means that you can't trust anyone and you have to live for yourself before you live for anyone else.
In AP Lang, my teacher ripped apart something that I said in front of the entire class. The whole point of the class is to analyze and break down what others communicate, but I was taken aback when she did it to me. She said that the simplistic bluntness of my statement reflected the fact that I fear vulnerability. I was like 'dafuq?'
Vulnerability doesn't frighten me, it merely disgusts me.
Anyway, she says I need to be more honest with myself about who I am and what I really want.
That little tic-tac sized comment stuck in my brain and marinated for a while, and then today, the realization that I need to figure out who I am came to fruition.
I took a night drive and thought about myself. I realized that the superficial aspects of myself are just as valuable as the deeper ones, because no matter whether it's a deep or shallow aspect, it's part of who I am.
This is me right now:
I miss dancing, because it made my legs look good.
I also miss it because it is one of the few things that I am confidently and consistently good at.
I have never weighed a hundred pounds in my life and yet I still manage to look chubby.
I am not tall, thin, nor tan, although I wish I was.
My nose is not cute and my teeth are not straight.
I have pale skin and freckles and I get pimples if I don't wash off my make up every night.
I wear make up every day, I can't leave the house without it.
Sometimes I just don't eat; it's not deliberate, it's because sometimes I'm just not hungry.
I smoke cigarettes because I like them.
I dye my hair because no matter what color it is, it's never the color I want it to be.
I bore easily. I'm vindictive and sarcastic and judgmental and snarky.
I'm dyslexic, but I try to hide that underneath an over-developed vocabulary and habitual eloquence.
I lost my virginity when I was 15 to a boy I didn't even like that much and I feel absolutely no shame about it.
Whenever I realize I've made a typo, I secretly want to die, but I can never bring myself to go back and republish any old posts even when there are glaring mistakes in them.
I think my Hello Kitty bedsheets are almost as cool as my Pokemon ones.
I am flawed, and flaws are beautiful, but I am not beautiful.
I like to wear high heels because I'm short and they make my butt look good.
I have no sympathy for fat or clinically depressed people.
I hate wearing my glasses because they remind me of my shamefully nerdy past.
I wish I could afford to dress better, but I'm poor along with my parents.
I try to be as smart as possible, yet I always feel incredibly stupid whenever I talk to people.
I think my love for the rave scene is already starting to stagnate.
I wish my hair was long and silky, but it's not.
I think that conventionally pretty is conventionally boring.
To me, being not being vulnerable is worth not being fully understood.
I'd rather be a hipster than a barbie, but barbies get all the boys.
I realize that perfection is unattainable, but I strive for it anyway.
After years of being fiercely single, I think I finally want a boyfriend, but the boy I like is too preoccupied with himself to realize that I'm there.
I wish I could play guitar, because if I could, then I would actually have a chance at being a performer for a living.
I am terrified that I'm not going to get asked to the prom, and that if I do, I'm so short that I'll never be able to find a dress.
I found an anorexia blog on Tumblr today and reblogged a bunch of the pictures.
I wish I owned more leggings.
People always ask me what my sexual orientation is, and I say I'm undefined because even pansexuality is too restricting.
I believe one should have sex with a personality, not just a body.
My priorities start with my own appearance and then descend into other's perception of me.
I hate being constantly categorized; why can't I party AND be smart AND dress well AND know how to fix the brakes on my car all by myself?
I like 'Anthem' by Ayn Rand better than any of her other long and boring 'masterpieces'.
I have issues trusting men after one that I dated beat the shit out me on a regular basis.
I read Shakespeare when I'm stressed out, and if I can't do that, then I drive around at night and smoke a lot of cigarettes. Sometimes I lie without realizing it but am too stubborn to admit it if anyone notices.
I paint my nails just to peel the polish off.
I love food too much to have an eating disorder.
I've always wanted to shave off half my hair or dye it all bright pink.
I am so many different people all the time that sometimes I forget who I am when I'm alone.
And I think that's about it.
Julia
I admire you so much.
ReplyDeleteEnglish teachers are trained to say a lot of bullshit.
ReplyDeleteI like that you're so honest with yourself. Something I suck at a lot of the time.
My AP English teacher always lets us off easy. But then again, I really admire my English teacher for her patience.
ReplyDeleteI don't like being vulnerable. At all. I don't like to verbalize my shortcomings.
Wow, your teacher sounds like a bitch. First of all, no one can tell that much about a person from the syntax of their sentences. Second, anyone who tries to, especially at the expense of the person, probably has some issues.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you took the time to perform this introspection. My favorite thing on this list was the last thing. That's how I feel a lot of the time. It's also the reason I've been spending more time in nature the past few months. Thoreau and Emerson said that to better understand one's soul, one should spend more time in nature. That may be bullshit, but I think it's better than the alternative.
I liked some of the things you said. Not all of them--(how can one be disgusted by vulnerability? As human beings and creatures of the earth we are all overwhelmingly, terrifically vulnerable. Why pretend otherwise?)--but hey, I'm not you, am I? But I did like a lot of the things you said. Which is why I think you should write a book.
Espero que tengas un buen día. Pura vida.