A Cracked Windsheild On A Clear Night

My life is all parallels and conflicts right now.

It's like in Orwell's 1984 how there's this phenomenon of doublethink, which is when a person thinks two completely opposing things at once. Except, instead of doublethink, it's more like I have doublefeel; I feeling conflicting emotions in harmony with each other.

Take last night and tonight, for instance. Last night, I texted Plb until about 2 AM. We've been texting a lot these past few days and having meme-wars via picture message and I feel like maybe I was mistaken that he's dating the girl from AP Lang again. I could see myself with him, which sets him apart from like 99.99999% of the guys I know. Of course, if I get my hopes up and actually make a play for his affections, it will turn out that he's been dating her all along. I'll be disappointed and alone, probably end up finding some random to guy to screw. Because my life is like that.

And then there's Shpongle, who is adorable, but uncertain and inconsistent. I don't know what to do with him.

And of course, there is Fsb, whose place in my web of boys just keeps twisting tighter and tighter. He and Qv have had a falling out to end all falling outs and I honestly think he could be moving towards a break in that cycle. I don't know. What I do know is that he and I are tight buds now, and I probably still care too much about him.

I scrutinize his vulnerabilities and criticize him for being Qv's little domesticated boy-puppy, and yet, whenever he calls on me, I go running. I still think his pussy-whippage for Qv is ridiculous, but I'm such a hypocrite because I'm like, friend-whipped for him.

I just want him to be happy. It worries me when he isn't. Why I care this much about this kid is beyond me, especially because he is so far from being a romantic pursuit. I don't know why I value his happiness and approval so much, it's extremely disconcerting.

I feel like a cracked windsheild on a clear night; split. I feel damaged and confused, but even so there is still an underlying implication of inherent clarity in every course of action that I choose to take.

I feel as if I am stuck in a constant battle between feeling introverted and existential crisis-y and feeling social and wholly productive. There is a division in my priorities between what is ideal and what is comfortable.

Worst of all, my already broken-beyond-repair-but-still-stupidly-hopeful affections can't decide whom it wants to bet on. My head says 'go for Plb!' My head then replies snarkily to itself with a 'oh wait, he's probably interested in someone else par usual' My gut enters the conversation with 'Shpongle is really the best choice here' and then my gut and my heart bicker for a while. Finally my heart joins in with a 'You want Fsb'. It says only this, knowing the weight of this simple, concrete statement. And with that, the battle of head, gut, and heart is over; damage done.

I know what I really want but I can't admit it to myself. I want the most dangerous, emotionally-unavailable, uninterested, illogical choice. Naturally. But I want the easiest, most secure choice. Because that is what is best. With this doublefeeling, I am left and a crossroads and I don't know where to aim my efforts.

Some Hollywood scriptwriter needs to pen in a definitive but equally satisfying ending. It needs to be utilitarian and beneficial to the lives of everyone. Most of all, it needs to be cute and happy and show promise for the future.

Why can't my life be written by someone else? Why can't I listen to my head instead of my gut? Why is my heart being so difficult about all of this? WHY IS MY LIFE SO COMPLICATED?

I am a crack on an otherwise pristine windsheild on a cool, clear night. I am a crux in my own potential.

Can someone maybe sort out my priorities and love life so that I don't have to?


On a completely unrelated note, this is my 400th post. Yay me?
Julia