I Am Sick Of Suicide

Alright, I am going to be honest here: If you are clinically depressed, bipolar, or have any other mental or emotional predisposition to feel suicidal, DO NOT READ THIS POST. It will be triggering. You have been warned.

Another warning: I am about to get all kinds of bitchy and insensitive up in here. But I have to write about how I'm feeling because if I don't, I am seriously going to explode. This is probably going to be a longer post than usual.

SO.

Last chance to turn back.
Seriously.


I just, as in not five whole minutes ago, almost called 911 because I thought that a friend of mine was going to kill himself. What had happened was that I posted something on Facebook that called him an absolute prick. I was doing it to be funny, to give him shit, because honestly, he is an absolute prick. He instantly replied with what sounded like a suicide note, and then he posted a status that said only "Goodbye."

Cue me freaking the fuck out. It was never my intention to elicit that sort of a reaction. I knew that he had been sort of depressed, but never to the point where I'd actually thought he would do anything. I called him to apologize and he screamed at me and hung up.

I deleted the post, called a few other people to check on him and he texted me saying he was with people now. But I'm still semi-worried that I may have just prompted any harm that he may try to inflict on himself.

I would say, "caused his death" except that I am not the cause of his unhappiness. At all. I am in no way responsible for his misinterpretation of my actions. I am not a 'cyber bully' for antagonizing this kid one time.

In fact, the whole 'cyber bully' thing has been blown way the fuck out of proportion. Constant, pointed harassment, public humiliation, and online victimization of one person? Yeah, sure, that's cyber bullying. But when someone says one thing, or does one thing? Not bullying. At all.

In the end, a bully is never the sole person responsible for any suicide. It's the person who actually commits it. Bullying can be ignored, culled, stopped, and at least avoided. The urge to self-harm is self-generated. It is not a bully's fault that their victim takes their own life; ever.

And can we take a second to scoff at those people who commit suicide in stupid, obviously unsuccessful ways? These people may need help, but their little dramatic show is taking the attention from people who are in actual danger of themselves.

If someone is genuinely hurting and genuinely wants to die, then they do. I have lost three friends to suicide. It really, really sucks to see someone go out like that. Those people were in such a world of pain and suffering that they did what they needed to to end it. I miss them terribly, but no one was at fault for their deaths beside themselves.

That's not to say that if I had a chance to stop them, I wouldn't have, because if I could rewind time and go back to each of their deciding moments respectively, I would, and I would do my best to talk each one out of it.

I am good at that. I have talked countless friends down from harming themselves. When needed, I have gone to check on them. The last time this happened, I found one of my friends with his wrists slit lying in the bathtub, almost unconscious from lack of blood. If I hadn't cared enough to drive to his house and check on him, he would be dead.

That being said, I am so fucking sick of it all. Sick, absolutely sick.

I am 16 years old and I have had a friend die for every year I have been alive. That is all kinds of fucked up. At this point, you'd think I'd be numb to loss, but each time a friend dies I feel like they are taking part of me with them.

Which is why I think that suicide is the stupidest, most selfish, most disgustingly attention-seeking thing a person could do. The world is not about you, cry yourself a river and then get the fuck over it. We are not all out to get you, nor do we particularly care that you feel like shit today. Everyone feels like shit today.

I think that blaming every problem in your life on those around you is a complete cop-out. Blaming all of your problems on your mental illness is beyond a cop-out, it is just weak, nay, spineless. You know you can live and be happy, but you choose not to. You wallow in self-pity and starve for the love of others when all the while, you make yourself unlovable.

Stand up. Open your fucking eyes, people. Live for yourself and make yourself happy, because honestly, no one's going to care! There are 7 billion other people in this world, many of whom are too preoccupied with trying to survive to even contemplate the idea of killing themselves. Don't think that your problems are so terrible that you can't even try to fix them.

It's time to put on some big-kid pants and grow up. Accept responsibility, nut up, and DO SOMETHING to fix your life. Quitting should never be an option.

To those whom I have pissed of with my opinions:
Get off your collective, over-sensitive high horse.



Julia