Two posts in one day? I shouldn't. I really shouldn't, but I'm going to anyway. Sorry y'all, I know it's obnoxious when I do this, but a lot's happened since this morning's AP triumph.
I just got home from the final choir concert of the year, which is always super intense. I was in three choral groups--a big combined choir, chamber choir, then a small selected women's ensemble--and my voice is shot, but it was worth it.
My favorite group to sing with was the women's ensemble. It was me and nine other girls who had been selected by the director to sing advanced music. Thing thing about high school choirs is that a lot of times, even in the best choirs, there are people that suck, and if they don't suck, then they lack the ability to sound fantastic. The benefit of our tiny group was that it was a cherry-picked group of actually talented, musically gifted females. It's nice to be above the crowd.
We sang a Gwyneth Walker piece, which, for those of you non-choir nerds, meant a weird bit of poetry set to a completely unhelpful and very complicated piano accompaniment and three- and four-part harmonies that were so dissonant that they almost sounded wrong. Good fun.
The other song we sang was this incredible and complex African piece by Stephen Hatfield. It was seriously the hardest piece of music I have ever learned in my life. The entire thing is multiple different melodies layered over each other in four-part harmony. Gnarly, but fulfilling to sing.
The final concert is always very senior-y, because it is the last thing that the seniors will ever do with their choirs. Underclassmen give the seniors roses and then the seniors sing a song by themselves.
Now, as I have stated time and again, I am not a crier. However, tonight, giving my best friends roses and then watching them sing their final song with them all together for the last time broke my soul. Girl, I was a hot ass mess; crying all over the place and fucking up my make up. Lionboy was sitting next to me during the senior song and he was seriously the only thing keeping me from running out of the auditorium sobbing. It was the first time he's ever seen me cry, I think it really shocked him to see me break down like that.
Next year, it's going to be me up on that stage, getting a rose, singing a cheesy farewell song, and probably bawling so hard that I'll have to stop singing. I wonder if, by that time, I'll be anyone's reason to cry. Will some underclassman hug me goodbye and think "Man, I'm really going to miss her", or will I be one of the people who will be easily forgotten? Have I impacted anyone but myself during my time in high school?
Next year, I'm going to be a senior. I'm going to be surrounded by people that I care nothing for and motivation is going to be even more challenging to maintain. I'm going to be doing a lot of lasts. I don't know how I feel about this.
Anyway.
After about four cigarettes on a long drive around some back roads and a good sob all on my lonesome, I came home to see the most recent post by Lizzi on her blog. She got into an awesome college and was totally stoked to go, but money got in the way. Now, she is rearranging her life in order to ensure that her future does not completely disintegrate. Honey, you are courageous. I mean, damn. It really got me thinking about the future and about what I would do if faced with the same situation.
If by some miracle I managed to get into Harvard, and then couldn't pay, what would I do? Could I let my dreams get deferred so quickly? I think if I had my dreams held within reach, then dashed before my eyes, I'd completely shut down. I don't think I'm as determined to get an education. I'd probably turn into one of those drifters and I'd develop a brief heroin addiction before going to start my life completely over in a foreign country or something. At 18. By myself. Because I know I wouldn't be able to face the feeling of failure that would come from sticking at home along with the feelings of frustration and sadness at having my opportunities taken away.
The mere thought of even not getting into Harvard freaks me out. I have a few backups in mind, but my heart would truly break if I had to go to college anywhere but Boston. Even more terrifying is the thought that soon, I'm going to be completely independent. I refuse to rely upon my absentee parents for money and I want the freedom, but I don't know if I can handle the responsibility.
Mistakes will be greater and harder to fix, money will be harder to come by, and my life is going to compeltely restructure itself whether I like it or not.
I'm thundering towards adulthood, and I don't know if I'm ready for it yet.
Julia
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