Goodbye, Cruel World.

The good news is that after boot camp, I will have four days back in town before I have to leave again for upstate New York. The bad news is that I still have to go on both trips.

I have had a lump in my throat since I woke up. Little nuisances keep popping up and I feel like every little one is a sign from God that things are about to get much, much worse for me. I have been on the verge of tears all day. Alright, not all day, because at one point, I ended up actually crying in Technicolor Boy's bed while he tried to rub my back and figure out what was wrong.

The problem is that there is nothing wrong. Nothing is bad, nothing is unjust, and nothing is happening that shouldn't be happening. And yet, I feel like my life as I know it is drawing to a reluctant close because boot camp starts tomorrow.

More accurately, I am leaving town tomorrow, and my absence from this town is going to leave my life vulnerable to change while I am away. This makes me incredibly uneasy.

For one, I don't know what sorts of things are going to go on while I am away. As the designated 'Doctor Phil' friend, I am constantly running around at all hours, checking on friends and making sure that they are doing well enough to be on their own. After walking in on that attempted suicide a few months ago, I feel that whenever a friend calls me in need of my support, I have to go to them. Who will be there to keep them from doing anything stupid while I am away?

The other thing is that with two weeks away from Technicolor Boy, God only knows how the dynamics of our non-relationship could change. For all I know, he could lose interest or go fuck other people. I know I've said this before, but I have to reiterate: I don't need a long-term commitment from him, I just don't want he and I to be done quite yet. Unfortunately, with my being completely out of his life for two weeks, I don't even know if he'll think about me... I will be completely cut-off from contacting him for the entirety of boot camp, so I won't even be a digital presence in his life.

I went to go see him today for a short time, just so that I knew I'd have one last visit to his house in case he does decide to drop me in these coming weeks. Seeing him, knowing his life could move beyond me and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, well, it was just too much. Cue my tears into his pillow.

I'd like to think that all of this stress and these feelings of impending doom are simply due to my fondness for him and for whatever the hell this non-relationship is, but they're not. He is simply the foremost reminder that all of the most important aspects of my life are beyond my control.

In all honesty, my going away to boot camp for two weeks--to an incredibly high-stress, constantly supervised, ridiculously over-structured environment--is life's way of boldly showing me that the control I had so carefully crafted over my future is slipping from my fingers.

I have to let it go, I have no choice. I can't force Technicolor Boy to shut down his emotional capacity for romance, just as I can't force my emotionally fucked-up friends to stop feeling the way that they feel. When I'm around, at least I can help my friends and know that Technicolor Boy isn't playing me. When I'm not, fuck all.

 I can't make my life go exactly the way that I want it to. Do you know how fucking terrifying that thought is?

The worst part of all this is that I chose to go. I worked hard to become staff for boot camp. I am making sure that all of my paperwork is filled out and complete and my uniforms are as good as they can be because this boot camp is going to play an important role in my future, what with college applications and all that.

To be quite frank, I just want my summer. I am sick of having to go and do things that pull me away from the things I love, like sleep, sex, Taco Bell, and cigarettes. I have been so burnt out on productivity due to my over-extension of myself for the entirety of the last semester that I don't know if I can hitch myself back up to being motivated about anything anymore. I needed a longer break from commitments, and though I'm happy for the time I've gotten, I wish I had more.

Sorry about my obnoxiously pessimistic attitude. I know I'll perk up once I'm actually out of town, but right now everything seems so incredibly daunting and I have absolutely no faith that the people in my life can carry on correctly without me. Worse than that, they may move completely on from me and then I'll come home to nothing and no one.

Sigh.
Good Lord, that was quite the load off my soul. Sorry to drag on and on about my trivial life problems.

I suppose the only thing to do now is to pack my shit and get ready to grab the next two weeks by the balls. I can do nothing but force myself to see this positively... Although, it's definitely going to take a lot for me to get there.

You know what? Fuck it, I'm going to be broody and pessimistic and faithless and the world can suck a big one. I am so incredibly unhappy right now.

I'll see you kiddos on the flip side.


Julia