Motherfucking Monogamy

Life is moving steadily along and events that I have pushed off to the side of my list of priorities are now bearing down upon my life with alarming speed. The foremost of these events is the bootcamp that I will be staffing.
It begins in about two weeks and I feel vastly under-prepared for the responsibility that I will have during the two weeks of the bootcamp. This nervousness paired with the fact that my love of the program and organization has almost completely stagnated creates only a feeling of impending doom regarding the bootcamp. This is definitely not something I am looking forward to, but hopefully I'll be able to make it a positive experience in the interest of not COMPLETELY wasting my time...

The second event that is approaching is a rave called Digital Circus. This rave will be my last before going off to the bootcamp, so naturally, I will be partying my face off. I sincerely hope that the rave is at least mid-sized and provides a satisfactory send-off for me. I'd cross my fingers and hope for a massive, but seeing as the Warped Tour is coming to Denver the very next day, I don't think that I can ask for that much.

The third and final event that is approaching is not one that I will actually be participating in, but I am harboring some major concerns about it. Comic Con is happening in Denver, and Technicolor Boy is going. I don't care about the shenanigans that he'll be getting into, but the thought of him meeting some adorable cosplay girl who lives closer to him and is closer to his age and totally falling for her absolutely terrifies me. Not only would it seriously fuck with my emotions, but it would make the rest of my summer nine kinds of awkward because I'm in his neighborhood about three days a week until school starts again.

I've realized that the one thing I want from him is the one thing I can't ask for: monogamy. I know you all knew that this was where this whole fiasco was headed anyway, but today, I have officially admitted it to myself. I want him to be mine. But, I can't ask him to be my monogamous partner because I don't want to inhibit his freedom or come on too strongly this early on. I know I cannot ask anything from him despite the fact that the constant possibility that he may suddenly drop me to go be with someone else is turning me into a paranoid, jealous wreck (inwardly, of course; like I'd ever let him see me sweat)

In all honesty, these upcoming events would all be a lot easier for me to handle if I had some sort of actual commitment from him. If I could simply be provided with a feeling of security surrounding his place in my life, I'd be more able to focus on other things.

It's not because I want the two of us to be, as Luke put it, Facebook Official. Fuck that, labels are not a necessity (and I'm not just saying that because I'm one of those politcal-correctness advocates who's like *hipster voice* "Uhmm, I don't do labels.") Wsb and I had an extremely close and intense relationship, but we were never officially together. He cheated, but that was because I had assumed that his commitment to me was strong, albeit unspoken. What I have learned from him is that if I truly want monogamy, I need for the actual words to be said by each party. I don't need a certificate or any form of authentication, be it via social network, symbolic jewelry, or whatever the fuck.

I just want him to tell me that he'll be mine for as long as I am his.  

I am fully aware that I can't expect an extended period of time from him to be devoted to me, and I know that one or the other of us ending up fucked over and lonely is an inevitability, but just for now, I want monogamy.

I feel that through monogamy, there is hope for happiness, and all that I really want for the rest of the summer is to be happy.


Phew. Lordy.

I'm sorry for being so obsessive over this, I really do feel ridiculous. I just had to air out my soul with this post. I feel vaguely liberated now that my concerns have been put out in the open. I think that this whole shebang is drawing to either a definitive end or a hopeful new beginning. I'll keep you kids posted, although I think he and I are going to kind of be stuck in an indecisive purgatory for a bit, but I'll do my best to keep the over-analyzation and freaking out to a minimum until something actually happens.

Anyway.
I'm going to listen to Regina Spektor and draw pictures. I got into AP Studio Art for next year, so I should probably start perfecting my craft again.

Oh, and I accidentally dyed my hair purple this morning. More on that later.

Julia