Hormones are the Devil

I suppose there is really no good way to follow up my previous post. I mean, shit, announcing something like that can't really be followed by anything, except if I was like "also, I have testicular cancer" or "I won the Nobel prize in science" or something.

One thing I can say is that the annoying kid who would not shut up about crepes scuttled away shortly after I wrote that post because I looked up at him and told him with a completey straight face and serious tone that he was obnoxious and should kill himself. Score one for my vicious side.

Also, the place I work is chain called Freddy's and I ask people if they want fries with that. The job sucks, but it's a paycheck and the people are nice, so, whatever. I'll stick with it until something better comes along or until I leave for college.

Okay.
I just have to say, the reactions that you guys had to my previous post were pretty hilarious. I can hardly imagine myself as a mom, especially not right now! It's not like I'm going to keep the damn thing. Motherhood is going to have to wait for me to graduate college, maybe even grad school, and have a few adventures first. 

I'm not happy about this. I'm aborting this pile of cells before it gestates into anything resembling an actual human being. Fingernails or no (obligatory Juno reference) I am getting rid of this fetus before it derails my life any further. More on that at a later date.

In the mean time, I have to say, being preggers is basically wreaking havoc on my emotions. I'm in epic hormonal rage mode pretty much 24/7. I think it's because I recently got a hormonal birth control injection, so that combined with the hormones that are all bouncing around in my body because of the fetus is pretty much a recipe for extreme bitchiness. My family is unaware of my situation (and will remain so) but are all avoiding me due to fear. I like the quiet.

When I'm not in hormone-induced rage, I'm practically lethargic with a profound depression and apathetic lack of will. At least the rage can be fun, but the depression in almost crippling. I've never felt so sad or hopeless before in my life. It's a weird, new feeling, and I don't like it very much.

The sooner I can get my body back to the way it's supposed to be, the better.

In other news, I feel like a complete slacker because I'm only taking three AP courses now, and only six classes total. I'm not even taking a science or a language right now. I dropped my college class because of the timing, and that was sort of the final straw. I feel like an academic failure. My course load is in no way academically impressive right now. No Ivy school in their right mind would look at my courses this year and go "Wow, what potential! What drive! Such promise!" And yet, I am still stressed beyond belief and staying up way too fucking late doing homework.

This whole work/pregnancy thing is really screwing with my mojo. After mid-October, I can actually start to go hard in school again, but right now, I just don't have the time nor the energy. I hope that by then, it's not too late to repair my super-student image.

I don't know. It's my senior year. I don't even know if I want to go to Harvard anymore. I could get into any state or private university that I want, but the Ivies are what I've been working towards this entire time. Yet, doubt and lack of motivation are slowly creeping in, coupled with my preoccupation with trying to work and cope with the fact that there is a tiny little soul destined for death in my uterus.

Sorry to keep bringing up the whole pregnancy thing. I'm still trying to comprehend it myself... I'm just in a perpetual state of existential crisis at the moment.


Julia