Coming to Terms

If you've ever heard the song "Addicted to Love" by Florence and the Machine, it applies here.

Due to my crazy school year schedule, I usually only get to see Technicolor Boy on the weekends, which is tough. Even though he's only an hour away, I still miss him like crazy all week and then cherish every second that we have together on the weekends. As I've previously mentioned, after spending practically every day with him this summer, seeing him for one or two nights is really fucking with my outlook.

The fact that I will likely not get to see him at all this coming weekend is hard enough for me to swallow. Knowing that I have a weekend with him is usually the only thing that gets me through the week without killing anything.

Anyway, as if this is not bad enough, I'm going to be graduating in May and going off to college. If, God forbid, he and I are still together then, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Seriously. I don't know if he or I will be able to handle months apart when we can barely cope with days right now.

It is just so fucking inconvenient, you know? I have all these huge dreams of getting out of Colorado and moving as far away possible and staying away and getting rich and making a new life for myself. And then I fucking fall deeper in love than I ever have before a year before I'm due to depart.

Seriously? God, why must you fuck with my life like this?

I was always so stoked to leave because I never had a reason to stay. Now, the biggest reason I've ever had not go anywhere has rooted itself directly in the middle of my life. I am so lost as to what to do.

On the one hand, I don't want to compromise my goals and my future by sticking around when this romance may not even last. I don't want to stay only to end up completely fucked, alone, and stuck in the place that I swore to get out of.

On the other hand, I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me by going off on some east coast adventure, realize that I hate the east coast, and come back to Colorado with my tail between my legs only to find that everyone, including Technicolor Boy, has moved so far on in my absence that I am completely fucked, alone, and stuck in the place that I swore to get out of.

I legitimately have no idea what to do. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I follow my brain or my heart? Which of the equally incredibly important aspects of my life do I risk losing?

I just wish I had a way to have my cake and eat it too. I want to go to a fantastic, prestigious school but keep my love. I am so terrified of losing Technicolor Boy even now. The thought of him ever being with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach. 

I know that half of this relies on time, which schools I actually get into, and where my relationship progresses to. Who knows, something might change in some way that will make things clearer. Until then, I have compromised with myself for now to apply to a single college in Colorado even though I had previously railed against such an act. I don't know which one yet,  and I don't know if I'll even go, but I'm going to have one option that isn't thousands of miles away, just in case things with Technicolor Boy become even more serious than they already are.

And yes, things are very serious. We have stuck together through respective ass-loads of ridiculousness in our personal lives. I mean, he stuck with me even after I got pregnant and still when I lost the damn thing. This is not some high school romance or some whirlwind cute novel-esque thing. This is the real deal. We have faced some real shit together and we're still here. I cannot imagine my life without him, and I don't want to.

The thing about college is that you can go any time. I mean, yes, the "college experience" sounds like great fun, but let's not forget the fact that I've been hanging out on college campuses since I was like, eight, due to my mother's employment (she teaches college astronomy and geology). I went to my first frat party when I was fifteen, and honestly, once you've been to one frat party, you've been to them all.

Half of my friends are currently college students, it's not like I don't know what it's like to live the campus life and whatnot.

I am so lost. A year ago, I knew exactly where I was gong and what I was doing, and now, all of my priorities have been rearranged (not just due to the introduction of Technicolor Boy into my life). I wanted so badly to grow up and get the fuck out, and now, all I want to do is rewind my life and stay as close to home as I can.

I have a few ideas as to what to do in the immediate future:
-take a gap year before going to college to work and figure myself out
-start at a college in-state, then transfer to a bigger name school when I know what I want
-give up on any kind of future or career and go live in a forest with a pet mountain lion

These are the ideas as to what I know I should do, but my heart will rip itself in half if I do:
-begin college next fall at the Ivy of my choice and go on to become vicious and bitter, but powerful and rich as fuck

I cannot get this whole dilemma off of my mind, and it's starting to screw with how I spend my time with Technicolor Boy. I can't get past the fact that our days together could be numbered.

Few and foreign follower, please, words of advice would be very much appreciated at this time...


Julia

PS: The on thing that did brighten my day was that after returning home from a nine-hour shift, of which I spent the last hour cleaning up after some church youth group (which are the fucking devil, they always come into my work and leave a huge mess after stressing out the kitchen staff by ordering like a bajillion complicated things. Sorry churchies, but when 50 little munchkins come into my work at the same time and then proceed to act rudely and dismiss all forms of common courtesy, it does not please me) I came home to find a beautiful hand-drawn postcard waiting for me on my bed. It had a picture of a girl with white hair floating in stars. Gorgeous and faith-in-humanity-restoring. Thanks, Lizzi!