Galactic Things

Space is a fascinating thing. It's been on my mind a lot lately, among other things.

I've been following the journey of the Curiosity Mars Rover and a few other new missions that NASA and other space agencies will be launching soon. With the help of Hank Green (Vlogbrother/host of Scishow on YouTube) and my mother the planetary geologist who teaches college astronomy, I've been kept fairly up-to-date on the progress of things. I love it. It restores my faith in humanity that people are designing things to explore just for the sake of exploration.

My obsession with Doctor Who only perpetuates this love and fascination with the universe.

Also, on Saturday night, I went to Skylab, which is the largest indoor rave in Colorado and is always space-themed. I wore a tiny little black set of lingerie along with my gogo boots and then had swirly tribal designs painted up the sides of legs, torso, and arms. It looked really cool, but I unfortunately didn't think to get any pictures until after the show, by which time my paint was smudged all to hell. Oh well, I know I looked good.

The show itself was fantastic. I saw Borgore, Gareth Emery, Downlink, and Porter Robinson. Porter was by far the best, with the most danceable set of the night. The lights and lasers were impressive, par usual for a show of that caliber, but what I really enjoyed were the giant, lit-up planets covering the ceiling of the Denver Coliseum. I was an amazing sight to see.

I loved the night. I was with friends who could handle themselves, and my group combined with Technicolor Boy's to form the ultimate crew. My single friends were dancing with his single friends; it was so genius. I always play matchmaker at raves and it usually works out pretty well. I got to spend the night dancing with my Technicolor Boy, so I was happy.

I met his ex too. THE ex, as in the one whom he dated for a solid two years and whose cat he still owns and all that. She was really adorable and pretty, but she was chunky and had a weird-looking boyfriend, so I felt less intimidated than I thought I would if I ever met her. Watching she and Technicolor Boy interact also put me at ease; there didn't seem to be any sexual tension or pent-up feelings between the two of them. She was really nice to me, too. At one point, she asked me to write a text for her because she was too fucked up to do it. Hella awkward, but I think this means that she approves of me, which shouldn't matter, but I think that it made Technicolor Boy more comfortable with having me around.

He and I have been together for six months now. I realized this fact during Gareth Emery's set and I told Technicolor Boy, who replied "I know," meaning that he had been keeping track while I hadn't. Dear God, I adore him.


Raves are one of the few things that brings me legitimate happiness anymore, so I'm glad I got to experience that feeling of true ecstasy again.

On that note, it must be once more addressed that my serotonin levels are currently hitting an all time low. Despite the joy that Skylab brought, I've been getting collectively more and more sad all weekend. I woke up this morning in tears, which Technicolor Boy very confusedly handled like a champ. I just get so sad for no reason at all; it's always sudden and extreme and I'm getting really sick of it.

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow, which will hopefully lead either to a prescription or to a referral which will lead to a prescription for some antidepressants and/or mood stabilizers. I've surrendered to the fact that my brain chemistry is now beyond self-regulation, which is likely due to my prior drug-use and my constant stress. I regret nothing, but those reading this should definitely see my case as a cautionary tale when it comes to using drugs.

Tremendous sigh.

Finally, the foremost issue on my mind is Galactic High School, my current alternative school program thing. On Friday morning, I was sat down by the two heads of the program and basically told outright that I am too angry to be part of the program anymore. I was given the ultimatum to either change my attitude or to go back to Hicktown High full time.

Let's assess:
1) For a program that is all about embracing people for who they are, I find the fact that I am being forced to change a tad hypocritical on the part of those in charge.
2) I truly do like the program, and logically, it would be the best place for me to graduate from. However, it does require a lot of extra work and for me to attending weekly one-on-one meetings with a counselor, which I do not like going to at all, and haven't been, which is a big no-no and is angering those in charge.
3) I am annoyed by many of the people within the program. It's not that I hate them on principle, nor do I even wholly dislike them, but I find social ineptitude to be agitating and hard to deal with, especially when I am trying to focus on other things. I restrain myself from being a 'bully' and from directly making my fellow students feel badly, and I make it a point to remain polite, but I am often very short with people and shut down conversations almost instantly because I usually just don't have the time. Apparently, this is a horrible, horrible thing.
4) I'd honestly rather graduate from HHS. I like the people there better and it feels like my school. Unfortunately, for me to go back full time would mean losing many of the opportunities that I am getting from Galactic, and I can't afford that.

I've decided that the best way for me to survive the rest of this year without getting booted from the program is to take more classes at HHS starting next semester, or even next quarter. I'll just have to keep my viciousness to a minimum as best I can. I kind of have to suck it up and keep my mouth shut and just try to make my remaining time at GHS as positive as possible. I can't say I like the idea of changing myself to fit the outline of what others want me to be, but if it'll help me, I suppose it's necessary. I need the program despite all of its inconveniences and it wouldn't kill me to give back to it in some positive way. The fact that they don't understand the larger issues in my life is not their fault, it's just annoying.

It's seriously so annoying. No one seems to understand that I am an unhappy, under-functional person right now. I sleep maybe five hours a night and eat one meal a day. I have no choice but to continue to soldier on and serve all of my commitments, because my happiness has to come second to my future. It just does; if I am not supergirl, I am no one.

I cannot be happy right now. I'm being as productive as I can, but happiness is just not possible. God knows I'm trying, but I can't get everything.

Anyway.

I'm thinking of astronomy as a possible college major (I would double major with something more practical for a paying career) because my inner nerd swells every time I read an article or watch a video about space. This little thing that makes me happy is too valuable to ignore...


Julia