Negative Serotonin Levels

I think that my neurotransmitters are conspiring against me.

I realize that monotony is a part of life, but I feel like the monotony in mine is just killing me. I wake up every day and look forward to nothing except getting that day over with. Music doesn't make me happy anymore. Learning doesn't make me happy anymore. Even most of my friends just lack the capacity to bring joy into my life.

Nothing is radically different about any of them, so the problem must be me. I think I'm becoming depressed. Not like, pissy teenager oh-life-is-so-fucking-hard depressed, I mean like, biologically depressed. I think that things are beginning to unbalance and my propensity towards being happy and high-functioning is beginning to diminish.

Luckily, Technicolor Boy, raves, and cigarettes are still able to make me happy, but what happens if they stop working too? I'm becoming increasingly lethargic and dispassionate in many areas of my life and it's beginning to scare me. I don't even eat half the time.

What's worse is that people are beginning to notice. I've already had two teachers take me aside and ask if I'm coping with a recent loss or something. I've said that I'm just stressed, but in reality, I'm just unnecessarily unhappy. Like, incredibly so. Like, at the drop of a hat I'll find myself holding back tears for absolutely no reason at all.

The only solution I can think of is fooling my body into regaining a positive attitude with pills or something. I do not have time to be existential crisis-y and sad all of the time. I have shit to do. Also, now would be a terrible time to start demotivating myself. I have colleges to apply for and stuff.

I deserve to be happy, so why the fuck am I not?
I am frustrated. I am fixing this before it fucks with my life in any major way.

Urk.


Julia

Also,  Phoenix, I am totally up-to-date with Bleach. Shit's crazy and I don't know if I like the way the current plot arc is going. Also, I do have a tattoo on my left hip. It's a little infinity.