Deep Breath!

So yesterday, I was sitting in the middle of Algebra 2 (which I am retaking so that I can get a better grade for it on my transcript than the barely passing one I got as a sophomore), surrounded by idiots who were all thinking about their own tiny, innocuous lives instead of graphing linear equations. I was mulling over my own little life and thinking about the whole collegiate crisis thing, and like a gift from God, this little thought pops into my mind:

Colorado State University.

It's got a beautiful campus which I am still fairly unfamiliar with, it's in Fort Collins, which is like a bigger, less-pretentious/hippy-ridden Boulder (though I still love Boulder dearly), and would cost my family thousands less than if I went out of state. My grades and extra-curriculars are on the high end of the college's expectations, so getting in wouldn't be a problem at all.

I think I'll start off there. Maybe do a year or two and then transfer, or just do my whole undergrad and then go to a big-name school for my graduate degree. It'd definitely save my family a lot of money.

I think I've pretty much decided. I'm still going to be applying to all the Ivys that I had originally wanted to go to, in case there is some universal shift in my priorities, but for now, the thought of sticking closer to home has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. I told this idea to Philly, who was having the same sort of crisis, and she has also decided to start off in-state to figure out what she actually wants in life.

I have come to the realization that my dreams are not fully formed yet. I am not giving up on them, I am simply postponing them and reallocating my resources. I know that there has got to be more out there, and I will go out and change this world, I just don't know how yet. I'm happy where I am.... It's a very weird feeling.

There is also the added bonus of there no longer being an expiration date on my current relationship. I have to be incredibly distinct here: Technicolor Boy is not the reason why I want to stay, and I am not staying for him. But, knowing that I'll be able to be with him until things have fully run their course is definitely loosening a lot of the anxiety I had held towards the situation.

So yeah. I am still undecided as to what I will actually do, and I'm still going to work my ass off towards Ivy acceptance, but I feel a sense of inner peace returning with the idea that staying in Colorado for another year or two will not be the end of my potential, future, nor the world.

IN OTHER NEWS, I am going to be attending my first convention on Saturday. It's going to be an anime convention called Nan Desu Kan (a play on the Japanese phrase "nan desu ka?" meaning "what is it?" and shall henceforth be referred to as NDK) in Denver, and is one of the biggest anime conventions outside of California and New York. It's a three day shebang, but I'm only going for one day, seeing as I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I've heard there's a rave thing on Saturday night, so we'll see how that goes...

Oh, and I will be cosplaying like the true nerd that I am. With the help of Technicolor Boy (who is an amazing cosplayer) I have thrown together a sort of sexified Hiyori from the anime "Bleach". Needless to say, there will be pictures.

Anyway. Despite this constant feeling of absolute exhaustion and monotony, I think are some things to be looking forward to.



Julia