I'm in one of those moods where you just want to hide under the covers until the world disappears. Honestly, just hiding like a kid, just you and the blankets, hiding as if it could make the troubles and scariness of life evaporate.
I'm steadily realizing that I'm absolutely terrified of commitments. Terrified to the point of procrastinating like a madwoman, and avoiding them if at all possible. And I'm not just talking commitments to lover-boys, I'm saying to anything. School, work, cheer. I don't want to be trapped by them, so I get by, barely, by only putting in the absolute minimum amount of effort until it doesn't feel like a commitment anymore.
The only thing I can commit to without even thinking about are friendships. I'll be a commited friend all day, every day, from here till whenever. But school? Goals? A sport that i know I should love but I just can't seem to find the space in my heart for? Fuck no. I know I should want to give each one my all, but if I give all of me to one aspect of my life, what will I have to give to the others?
I feel like I'm getting pulled at from each direction. At this rate, by the time I hit winter break, I'll be puking up my own stomach lining from the stress. Not even kidding.
I really, really need to stop trying to please everyone.
please yourself, not everyone else, do things for yourself, have you own goals :) youll be free of school in no time, entirely independant :) remember that :)
ReplyDelete<3
Commitment issues, eh?
ReplyDeleteIt's okay. Slow down. Tell yourself to sit back, relax. You're in full throttle. Take it down to a nice cruise(:
Really. Find the important things, and the rest will fall into place.
Haha thats crap. Push things into place. If it doesnt, cut it until it does. Make things work. For you. Not anyone else.
Nothings permanent. Not school or cheerleading. It's your life. Control it. Commitments arent really commitments. They are "Doing this for the time beings"
Do what you need to.
(: