I cheered my first football game last night!! It went great!! A few people told me I did really good! Yay!
Tonight I went to my friend's house.
It was fun at first, but after a while I started to get a headache and a tummy-ache, and I realized I was starting to have a panic attack. I haven't panicked since 8th grade, so it really scared me, and I devised a plan for my dad to help me fake a reason for him to come pick me up. My plan worked and I got home and calmed down. I love my father.
I don't love the way my anxiety took hold of me and I lost control over it. I'm usually very in-check. I mean, I'm loud and outgoing, but my emotions are always under my complete control. I never cry in front of people, I never get angry enough to raise my voice, and I never show large amounts of fear. Tonight I kept my shit it line until my father could help me remove myself from the eyes of my peers, but what if I can't do that next time?
To me, any public signs of emotion=vulnerability and an opportunity for people to take advantage of me. I don't get emotional, I just don't. I'm too good at lying and acting to let people see the way I may be feeling for real.
Luckily, I had an escape this time.
What if the next time I get an attack, I don't have a way out?
That scares the shit out of me.
I understand what you mean. I have anxiety problems too. It's hard for people (outside close family) to really appreciate how you feel, and understand. Hope you're feeling okay. :) lots of love. <3 PS: I LOVE YOUR HAIR! I want it. :)
ReplyDeleteEmotions are hard to control sometimes. When anxiety starts to peek out from the secure spot you safely locked it away you know things are about to get a little uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteWhat sort of excuse did you use to get away? Those are always good.
daww thank you!!
ReplyDeleteand i said I had to go to a bar mitzva in the morning lol crafty it was not, but it worked so whatever :P