Stressy Ranty Thing

I'm sort of only writing this so I can sort out my brain.

I'm not ready for tomorrow. I haven't done any of my homework yet. I'm not emotionally prepared for the idea that this week is going to be starting in a matter of hours. This week is going to be busy and stressful, just like last week, and just like next week will be. Normally I'd be like "bring it on, homeboy", except I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I was soooo greatful it was the weekend because that meant a break, but I really haven't had a break all weekend. I've been busy and all over the place and I haven't had any time to just chill. I need time to sleep in and watch tv for hours on end, because that's besically the only way I can get my brain to relax. MY BRAIN IS VERY UNRELAXED. I feel like I want to puke.

I'm realizing that cheer is basically half of it all. Without cheer, I'd be much, muchhh less stressed out. It's getting to the point where I don't even know if it's worth staying on the team anymore. I've had fun and cheered a few games, and I've put a lottt of work into it. I know physically, it's helping a lot and it's going to make me a much better dancer (dance is my first true love). But with the crazy time commitment and strenuous work outs and snarky girls and constant fear of my coach, I'm really considering quitting. Like, I already have a plan worked out on how to quit.

It's starting to feel like the dance team I was on in 7th grade. I had fun, but it was the same basic idea. We got strong, we competed, we smiled a lot. It cost a ton and we had to do crazy long rehearsals (3 hours on pointe, 4 nights a week. that sort of thing) and our choreographer and coach was a little psycho. But cheer is twice as stressful, costs a lot too, and and my coach is a little more than psycho. It feels like dance team again, except I quit dance team at then end of the season when the coach told me I needed to lose weight.

Everything about this year feels like 7th grade again. Agb is in my life, my grades are slipping, and I'm stressed to the point where I'm having panic attacks and am seriously afraid of ulcerating my stomach. The only thing that's missing is that I'm not cutting myself, and at this point who knows, one argument with my mother could set me off. I hate this. I'm usually a really happy person, but right now I'm genuinely unhappy.

I'm under so much pressure, and I know at some point something's going to have to give. Either cheer or me. Because I won't quit work, and I can't quit school. I don't want to quit cheer, but at the same time I do. I feel like I have to. I know I should, for the sake of my sanity. I mean, I will never love cheer the way I love dance, but dance will never make me strong the way cheer is. I wish I could just make something go away!

I love that cheer is improving my physical strength and jumps and tumbling. I want to be all cute and fit. And I love being able to relate to certain girls on the team in a way that I wouldn't be able to without cheer. I love being able to cheer games every week because it feels like performing. I know if I quit it, I'll regret it and miss it. But I can't help realizing how much happier I was the year after I quit dance team.

If I knew I could quit cheer and still be buds with my friends on the team, I would. if I knew I could quit cheer, but have some way of retaining all that graceful athleticism, I would. Because at this point I want to. I really want to. I know I'd get over it, and I know that no matter what I do, the snarky girls on the team will remain snarky towards me. I know I'd eventually get used to not being seen as a cheerleader. I know I would be able to survive somehow.

But I like my uniform, and I like being able to do a toe-touch whenever, and I like knowing sidelines and combos and vocabulary. My friends tell me I'm really good at cheer, and one told me I was born to do it. I like being spirited and stuff. But I can be spirited from the stands. I know what it's like to be on the field now, and honestly, I think being in the stands is a little more fun. I just don't know what to do.

I've been waiting for things to improve, but they haven't. Do I wait a little longer? Will I last a little longer? Which do I choose, cheer or my sanity?