My nails are painted two different colors, my hair is unstraightened and the roots are starting to show, and I'm flashing back to 8th grade because my iTunes has been playing nothing but NeverShoutNever for the past 20 minutes. I keep thinking about the awful clothes I used to wear (neon EVERYTHING, bandanas, and skinny jeans which were also neon..) and how in two or three years I'm probably going to look back at my wardrobe (a skater-retro mess) and think "Oh Dear God, how could I let myself be seen in public?"
It's funny to reminisce about who I was two and a half years ago. In fact, even thinking back a year is weird. It's like from middle school to high school, my personality completely rewrote itself. That's the way it has to be, though, because if I never changed, I'd still be a scared, misunderstood, attention-hungry child with no idea how to reach out to those around her. If I didn't mature past the frightened puppy stages, this blog wouldn't be nearly as exciting as [I like to think] it is. And here I am, thundering towards junior year, wondering what the hell happened to all those endless days when I thought I'd never grow up.
Anyway, I'm kind of enjoying my blue and silver nails and untamed mane today. I'm even enjoying listening to this NeverShoutNever song I did a cover of once.
I wonder if I'll miss Hicktown in two years when I get the hell out of here. I tell myself I won't, because growing up in this tiny, culture-less town is horrifically boring. But I wonder if when I live in whatever large city I decide to go to, surrounded by diverse people and constant noise, if I'll miss the quiet nights and endless farmland. Probably not.
With a lot of my friends graduating and just staying put to go to college, instead of going off and living independently, I'm starting to doubt my own big city dreams. It puzzles me that people with all the potential in the world would stay close instead traveling to wear they can utilize their talents to their fullest extent. Is the pull of family and home that strong? Why have I never felt it?
My friend was talking to me yesterday about how he went to New York City for a few days and loved it, but became homesick almost instantly. I went to Europe for over a week during spring break and didn't miss my bed once. My friends think I'm crazy, they all want to go to college in-state. One of my best friends who graduated last year got a great scholarship to a college in Seattle that she had really wanted to go to, but decided to stay in state and go to a college that's 40 minutes from her house. This sort of thing simply boggles my mind!
It's not like I come from an abusive household or anything. I mean, my family is crazy disfunctional, we don't even eat dinners together on holidays, but it's not like my parents abuse substances nor their children. My house is tiny, but adequate. I get freedom and independence, my life is not some urban horror story. I don't know why I'm the only one who actively wants to leave it behind.
Puzzlement.
Julia
I'm with you. I can't wait til I save up enough money to buy my own house and move out and start living independantly. I'm not from an abusive or whatever household either. I mean I'm admittedly not that close with my family, but I don't really resent them in anyway, I just want to start my own life.
ReplyDeleteI could move out now and rent pretty easily, but I've been told it's better to save up the money and put down a deposit on an actual house. Hurts in the short term, but much better for the long term.
Big cities really are nice sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThe town my mom was born in has a population of roughly 3,000. Upon graduating from high school, many of them stay put in that town. Those who do go to college go to the University of Texas and then return as quickly as possible. In the end, about 90% of her graduating class stayed in the town, so everyone you used to know, you still do. The class clown is now the local car salesman. The geek who kids used to pick on is the doctor. The first boy you kissed is now your dentist. Your Homecoming King is now the mayor.
On the other hand, big cities, just like small towns, have their ups and downs.