Touchy-Motherfucking-Feely

"Steve, she's a lesbian."
"SO AM I!"
Oh SourceFed. I enjoy you so very much. Be honored.

So, today I went to go see a psychologist. I fucking went to have a therapy session, where a PhD sat in a chair with a legal pad and wrote down everything that I said and asked me probing questions and made me cry. I think that this is rock bottom. My life has just jumped forward three decades and I'm having a midlife crisis at seventeen.

On the bright side, I think that going to therapy once a week may be a healthier way for me to regain some form of satisfaction with anything in life. I like the PhD and her office smells like an office, so whatever, I'll run with it for a bit and see if it helps.

Here is the problem:
I fucking hate talking about my feelings. I'm slightly more comfortable blogging about them because, and I mean absolutely no offense here, but I could give a flying fuck what y'all readers think about them due to your distance and detachment from my actual life. If any of you ever get the chance to talk to me in actual life, you will learn that I am not only vicious like a drag queen, but guarded as all hell.

I do not enjoy being all touchy-motherfucking-feely.

I don't like it when people try to get me to break down and/or open up and/or discuss my past. If I ever talk about the shittier parts of my past, it's generally in passing or because I need someone to know that I have ethos pertaining to a topic, nothing more. I do not enjoy being analyzed.

HOWEVER, it would seem that if I don't start getting all touchy-motherfucking-feely with people, then those who cannot handle my personality are going to start taking actions against me (due to fear, obviously). Side note to those people: I'm sorry I'm so intimidating, I'll just never state an opinion out loud again, and you can forget about me defending myself even when I know I've been wronged. And honesty? Shit, toss that out the window! No one likes to hear anything that they don't want to, so why say anything at all? You. Fucking. Win.

From here on out, I am taking a vow of opinion-silence. I am going to be emotionally sensitive and nice and excited about life, because that is what people want from me and nothing else about me matters.

I'll just be myself in therapy, where the PhD can do nothing to stop me because I'm paying her to talk to me.

I can do nothing but know I was right all along to never talk to people about my feelings, because the second I did, they all decided that those feelings weren't the right feelings. I'm not going to open up; I'll just keep even more inside than I have been and I'll starve my soul until it fits into the little box that everyone seems to want to put me in. Evidently my self control has been slipping lately, so I'll just tighten that right up and carry on like everything's peachy.
 
Congratulations world, you did it.




Julia