Disfunctionality

I know it's 3 am and this is my 3rd day in row posting on this damn blog and no one gives a shit and I should just go to sleep, but how the hell am I supposed to sleep when I have so much on my mind? I mean, insomnia is eating me alive, so I might as well write about what's going on in my head before this whole thing turns into some crazy 'Fight Club' scenario and I end up making soap and bombs in my kitchen.

The whole creating-an-army thing might be fun though... I mean, what's so wrong with being a corrupting influence? I love being the corrupting influence! I'm the 'bad' kid and I'm fully aware of the fact that every one of my friends' parents perceive me as such. I don't fully get it, though. I mean seriously; why am I the 'bad' kid? Why can't I just be seen by all of my friends' parents as the 'independent' kid or the 'awkwardly intelligent' kid or the 'thinks for her own damn self' kid? Why is the fact that I define my own values such a terrible thing?

The most judgmental people I meet are my friends' parents. They're all so vastly over-protective of their children, it's like they can smell the rebellious instincts radiating off of my skin when I shake their hands and introduce myself, and they smile that 'I don't trust you' smile and say things like "Well, our Lisa lives her life at a higher moral standard than you're probably used to." as if I can't comprehend the level of goodness their child has achieved, while I happen to know that their Lisa has a pesky little cocaine habit that she nurses every weekend.

I've been taught the difference between right and wrong. I know murder is terrible and should never be done, stealing is a crime, and that lying can be really dangerous. I know the fundamentals of human decency, the ten commandments, and not only the seven deadly sins, but the seven heavenly virtues (and I'm not even Catholic).

The difference between my parents and the parents of almost all of my friends is that my parents are aware of my behavior (ok, not all of it, but they've basically caught on). They don't like it, condone it, nor approve of it, but at least they're not in denial about it. I'm not a sheltered kid, and I've been allowed to build my independence, which is not a bad thing. I mean, my parents definitely won't be getting any awards or commendations, because the only reason I've been allowed so much freedom is because they don't give a fuck. But I'd rather my parents not care than try to protect me from the facts of life.

I think it's worse for the development of a person when their parents try to control their every decision and don't respect the opinions and choices that should really only belong to the child. The over-protected child struggles the most when they're finally allowed an ounce of freedom. The sheltered kid is overwhelmed by a dangerous world when they are finally given the opportunity to be independent. Is protection really the right way to go?

Because of the disfunction I was raised around, I've become incredibly independent. I have shaped my own world view and follow my own set of rules. Above all, I think for myself . I make my own decisions, just like every sheltered kid will eventually have to do by his or her self. Why is the fact that I do so now enough to get me labeled in all parental circles as the 'bad' kid?

Why is my independence such a threat?



Oh wow... that kind of turned into a gut-spill. A ranty gut-spill. Sorry, I usually try to keep that sort of thing to a minimum... but, hell, I don't even know if anyone read all that. It seems like no one has the patience, nor desire, to read all this crazy stuff that leaks out of my brain during these wee hours of the morning. I can't really blame them. (This is where you comment and reassure me that someone out there appreciates this blog... I know, that statement was a shameless compliment-fish. I'm only human.)

This post is way too long already... insomnia is making me ramble.
Julia